Aspie musician Ladyhawke interviewed by Aspie

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It’s particularly difficult for people like us that are on the Autism spectrum, and have enough issues directly dealing with confrontation and social interactions as it is. How has that factored into your growth and evolution as a person between Anxiety and Wild Things? It’s still something that doesn’t have all that much visibility, particularly within the world of music and entertainment.
It was something I just wanted to go away, really. I tried to ignore it for the longest time. I was convincing myself that there was nothing wrong with me. “I’m fine.” I didn’t realise that my senses work overtime, and I can’t help that. That’s the way that I am. Ever since I got healthy – I quit drinking, and I started looking after myself more – I’ve noticed a lot more stuff about myself. I recognise when certain things are happening now.
There was a time where I’d get really angry and frustrated over things that were out of my control, and it was like… [pauses] You would know the kind of feeling that I’m talking about. It’s hard to describe. You get really flustered, and you don’t know how to put into words what it is that you’re experiencing, and because of that you’re immediately seen as a drama queen or something like that.

That is something I have 100% gone through. It’s this tailspin, this downward spiral where you’re losing it and you can’t vocalise what is happening to you.
That was every day for me. Every day of my life, something was getting to me. If something was out of place, or a sound upset me, or someone clanked two dishes together when they were doing the washing up… that could ruin my whole day. [laughs] Now, I recognise all of that. I like the way that I look at the world. I like the way that I see the world. I have come to terms with it being a part of my life.
“If someone clanked two dishes together when they were doing the washing up that could ruin my whole day”
I’ll give you an example: I live right in the middle of Hollywood. Down the street from where I live, there is this huge souvenir shop. I love going in there, because there are heaps of bright colours and neon lights. I’m like a bumblebee drawn to a flower when I see bright colours. I love colour – that’s always been a specific interest of mine.
So there I am, taking in everything in the shop, when one of the security guards there seems to think that I’m acting shady or suspicious or something. He starts following me around the store, and I pick up on it immediately. I was looking at a few things and taking them off the shelf, and he’s talking into his little walkie-talkie about me, less than a metre from me. He describes me tip to toe, and I start getting really paranoid. I’m thinking, “Oh my god, he thinks I’m a shoplifter.”
That just set me off, and I somehow started acting more guilty because of his actions. My hands started getting all sweaty, and by the time I had walked out of the store I was nearly in tears. I remember telling my wife, Madeleine [Sami], everything that happened; and she just said one thing to me: “Don’t let this be the thing that ruins your day.” I’ve let that happen before. I’ve dwelled on things like that for hours, and it’s so difficult to recover from it. I recognise that now. I made a decision to not let it get to me – even though I told anyone who would listen that I bumped into that day. [laughs]

What about performing live? You’ve spoken about it being something you’ve struggled with, especially being the centre of attention and having various Asperger’s traits factor into what you do – constantly holding onto the guitar, even when you’re not playing it, is one that springs to mind; kind of using it as a security barrier between yourself and the audience. Has that been something that has changed along with the other parts of your life?
I think it has, definitely. I’m putting a lot more into time into things that I never used to, like rehearsing. I’ve been really focusing on the live show. I never used to – I couldn’t bare to think about it, so that means I never put the time in. My thing is that I need to feel confident going on stage. I need to know for certain that I am going to perform to the best of my abilities. I need to feel completely rehearsed. A lot of that did have to do with putting my guitar down – like you said, that was a huge crutch for me when I was starting out doing Ladyhawke shows. That was something to hide behind – I would cling onto it for dear life. For this tour, I’m not playing guitar for half of the show. I am forcing myself to stand there and sing, and it’s really freeing for me.