25 Jun 2017, 11:20 am
Hi,
I received an Aspergers diagnosis about two years ago, I'm over 40 years in age. I was already struggling with life and had become a recluse.
Since then things have steadily got worse. I see my issues and problems and how I affect others, but also I see how much people hate us as a group. I have tried to stop telling people about it because of the negative image they already have, but since diagnosis I have been getting worse and accepting my traits rather that trying to adjust and fit in. Especially since some see it as I'm an idiot who is easily influenced, which I'm not, just very polite and good at saying what people want to hear (Thanks Mom, I'm now a gimp).
Lately I am in the mindset of me being me because that's what everyone else is like, they can all say whatever they want however they want, but me, since I'm labelled as autistic I get no leeway and am dismissed as soon as I start to take part. Yes I can see that I have strong views, see things from a very different perspective, not use simplistic excuses to avoid tough questions others hide from.
I was lucky to get on an Aspergers awareness course run by the NHS, the staff were lovely, almost too lovely. At first I got on with everyone but after we all found ourselves and had discussed issues, talked more, etc, I began to dislike all the other Aspies, generally because they all over-generalised and were filled with hate because of the way they had been treat and I didn't want to be part of the negativity. In the past I have also avoided those who tend to solely focus on the negative rather than try to move on to something more positive, but that had made me end up alone, now I am more alone as my true self emerges.
I have alienated even my parents now, but hey they were part of the big conspiracy (lol). Now that I know of my condition, I have spent an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the past and seeing how people were right that it was "always me" who was different (wrong), how others had either helped and made allowances for me or used and abused me, but no-one had ever told me what they saw in me or that it was obvious to others.
With cheeky good looks (according to others) I am generally accepted into new groups, initially, but because of how I look at things I soon fall to the bottom or am ostracised. Same in the workplace, technically easy for me to get jobs, but I also fall flat within a week or few. I now daren't even look for employment as it takes me so long to recover from the reality. I avoid all contact with others, generally because they annoy me and obviously I them.
Usually I am very passionate and throw myself into my personal work (programming, 3d art), but lately I can't settle enough to get anything done. I make plans of what needs to be done, start work but then just sit and stare and think about how I f'ing hate life and how much it hates me, therefore what's the point of doing anything. I've always said I'll never commit suicide (and have been suicidal since a teenager), but now that I am regularly asked about it and "forced" to talk and probed as to how I would do it, it has taken on a whole new dimension. I now actually think of ways to do it, whereas I didn't before, I could dismiss it as a flippant thought and move on, but now I see that this is my reality... well, its getting harder, and the more I talk about it the less I want to. I find myself saying something, then having to add disclaimers that I'm not going to commit suicide, not being rude, not right wing, etc.
The world is getting a nastier place in general. The thought police are always labelling me as far right wing, which I'm not, yes eventually somewhat right wing as I recognise we are all different and don't lump you and your troubles into a basket and generalise them away by telling you that there is always someone else worse off than you, mainly because that just makes you feel guilty and to hide your problems away rather than deal with them honestly only makes them worse by forcing them to become repressed emotions. But in no way do I ever want to harm others, even though others are generally so f'ing inconsiderate and rude, presumptuous and pushy, which is especially annoying when its obvious they are just repeating gossip science / clichés to me and have no real thought on what they have said, never mind understanding what they said.
I don't know what the point of this post is, just as I don't see a point to life, except to work for others and have a hard unenjoyable life, oh and pray to fictitious gods, sorry, god singular (polytheists seem to be a whole lot more understanding / accepting of others), but its all fallacy and just like having an Aspergers dx it's a label for others to openly abuse you.
Anyway, have a nice day, no need to reply...
Yours sincerely
lost
P.S. The point, an apology to you all for being as wise as me
