Mental wreck, constantly battling myself for my will

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Meras
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02 Jun 2017, 10:41 am

I am 20 years old with Asperger's Syndrome. People may think I am normal on the outside, but on the inside I am a total wreck. I have been this way ever since I was 5 years old (perhaps even earlier). My mind is constantly flooded with thoughts from the past and if I begin a particular thought or physical activity, it feels as if the brain is trying to hold onto these activities so that they occupy my mind even though I am not consciously trying to think about those things. It feels as if both my body and my mind are constantly on full power and are trying to pull me in a million different directions - all at once. It drains my energy, makes it hard for me to sleep, and I am constantly battling myself for my true desires to live my life the way I want. No matter what I do, I never truly feel present in the present in reality. Somehow I feel that my brain is constantly playing tricks on me, that there is an easy way of getting out of this, but no matter what I have tried, the brain will just keep up with its stupidities. Basically, the condition affects me constantly and daily.

When people talk about AS, they talk about the issues with social interaction, repetitive interests etc., but in no way do I feel like they're talking about mental conditions like the one I'm describing in this post. When I talk to my family, doctors and psychologists about this, it appears that they cannot believe I really have what I've described.

I understand and accept the complications with having an ASD, but surely it cannot be normal to have what I'm describing right now? If it isn't normal (which I assume), I don't know what the "normal" is, and I feel that I deserve to be mentally and physically healthy and to feel happiness. What could be causing this condition? How can I cure it?



leejosepho
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02 Jun 2017, 11:06 am

Welcome to WrongPlanet, Meras!

Meras wrote:
I understand and accept the complications with having an ASD, but surely it cannot be normal to have what I'm describing right now? If it isn't normal (which I assume), I don't know what the "normal" is... What could be causing this condition? How can I cure it?

First, drop the entitlement thinking behind "I feel that I deserve to be mentally and physically healthy and to feel happiness." Mere emotions ("I feel") do not set standards, and our difficulties, disorders, disabilities or whatever else are not results of our having been slighted by "God" or whatever you might believe might be behind our existence. And now with all mere commentary out of the way...

I know, experience and live with everything you have described, and I am quite certain none of it is symptomatic of my AS/HFA (ASD). Here in another thread is part of it: Anybody feel...you're living in a dream...?

Post some more and share a bit of whatever you believe might relate to yourself!


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My search ended at 59 ... right here on WrongPlanet.
==================================


Meras
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02 Jun 2017, 3:57 pm

Thanks for replying. I apologize for trying to set standards or to make it seem that God put me in this state by describing emotions.

The thread you linked to is about the feeling of being in a dream or derealization. It was an interesting read. My condition makes my mind so flooded with thoughts and occupied with overanalyzing everything in my surroundings that it makes me feel derealization, because it makes me so self-absorbed and I am not voluntarily in charge of these thoughts.

The thread "A Mental Ship Wreck.." interested me too. I do not have OCD, but the rest resonated perfectly with my feelings.



Raleigh
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02 Jun 2017, 5:22 pm

I thought the thoughts were normal for ASD?

Sometimes I wonder if it's ADHD or OCD.
My thoughts go a million clicks and keep linking to other thoughts and concepts.

I have read that people with ASD think conceptually instead of in a linear way as most 'normal' people do.
It's a quicker and more efficient way of thinking, but the information can also become piled up on itself and multilayered and cause brain meltdown.


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leejosepho
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02 Jun 2017, 6:21 pm

Meras wrote:
I apologize for trying to set standards or to make it seem that God put me in this state by describing emotions.

I did not mean to make it sound like I thought you were actually doing that at any kind of intentional level, just that many people, imo, are trapped in one or another kind of entitlement mindset and more concerned with wanting or trying to be like others than about learning how to live with the viable attributes and potential we already have.

Meras wrote:
My condition makes my mind so flooded... it makes me so self-absorbed...

I know it likely seems I am being quite nit-picky here, but do not blame your "condition" or anything else for that. Where and/or how we ever got whatever we either do or do not have going on in our brains is irrelevant other than for a bit of mental comfort or conversational reference by having or knowing a convenient label, diagnosis or human category of one kind or another.

Meras wrote:
...my mind [is] so flooded with thoughts and occupied with over-analyzing everything in my surroundings that it makes me feel derealization...self-absorbed and I am not voluntarily in charge of these thoughts.

Understood, and I have now had all of that going on inside my own head for well over a half-century. Have you seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind"? No two people are identical and some of us do need meds to help slow things to manageable levels, and I encourage you to keep reading and posting freely!


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QuillAlba
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02 Jun 2017, 6:25 pm

ASD is branching thoughts within your mind constantly.

New connections, remembering old connections, constant and in every direction, like the roots of a tree.

It never stops, you have to accept it or go crazy.



B19
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02 Jun 2017, 9:45 pm

If you find yourself constantly experiencing flashbacks to previous abusive or traumatic events, that can be a hallmark sign of PTSD.
As you may know, depression is another (unsurprisingly). Maybe have a look at website like Pyschology Today and read some articles about PTSD, see if it fits, and if so, then you can seek appropriate help from a therapist, or join something like a Meet-Up group for PTSD to learn more from people who have travelled that road.

There is no instant cure for PTSD; however being able to safely share what happened to someone who respects you, being validated, time and support from a trusted and respectful person who understands the nature of your past experiences generally improves well-being and facilitates some healing.



leejosepho
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02 Jun 2017, 11:03 pm

QuillAlba wrote:
...branching thoughts within your mind constantly.

New connections, remembering old connections, constant and in every direction, like the roots of a tree.

It never stops, you have to accept it or go crazy.

Yes, something like that, and I am trying to recall how I have learned to accept it and even bridle it (directional or focus control) a bit even though I can never stop it. Sometimes I consciously "perform" like the seal that simply follows the ball placed upon its nose, and I have accumulated a collection of various styles and colors (somewhat like a chameleon or role-changing actor) for doing different things. Getting rid of "old connections" where I would worry (a delusion of control) about what might have happened (mere speculation) if something in the past had not worked out as it had has taken a long time, but the deal there was to learn to be rid of worry and speculation rather than trying to control my brain.


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Feeling_Unvalidated
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02 Jun 2017, 11:48 pm

Most of the time i don't try to control my brain. i must at work, but i am like an information sponge at work and thus an asset when it comes to what i do and i get to work from home so it goes fairly smoothly, though you still have to deal with too much damn bureaucracy because you still work for a company. But yeah, i have school again in the fall, going back for the last yr and a half, almost done, but til then when i am not at work i don't put a bridle on my brain. Thoughts are clouds constantly tumbling upon one another, it's i think a lot just because of over excited neurons. ASD/C whatever one wants to call it, comes with over excited neurons combined with less active astrocytes so you're constantly thinking, maybe even about multiple things at once, but fixations can happen i think because of the astrocyte problem. They've found the empathy area in autistic girls is bigger than autistic boys, but girls spatial area in the brain, spatial reasoning and such, many times can be smaller than the boys on the spectrum from things i have read. The glutamate and GABA are over excited. Some are starting to think it's an autoimmune disorder of the brain, and i am leaning toward believing that. Not that it can't have a cause, because we all know what i believe about that, but these are from research i have done, and i don't take research lightly. i hate fake news, but one does have to pick and choose anymore on any topic what sources one trusts, but if there aren't any anywhere that one can truly believe we're all f****d.



TheAvenger161173
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03 Jun 2017, 5:44 am

Meras wrote:
I am 20 years old with Asperger's Syndrome. People may think I am normal on the outside, but on the inside I am a total wreck. I have been this way ever since I was 5 years old (perhaps even earlier). My mind is constantly flooded with thoughts from the past and if I begin a particular thought or physical activity, it feels as if the brain is trying to hold onto these activities so that they occupy my mind even though I am not consciously trying to think about those things. It feels as if both my body and my mind are constantly on full power and are trying to pull me in a million different directions - all at once. It drains my energy, makes it hard for me to sleep, and I am constantly battling myself for my true desires to live my life the way I want. No matter what I do, I never truly feel present in the present in reality. Somehow I feel that my brain is constantly playing tricks on me, that there is an easy way of getting out of this, but no matter what I have tried, the brain will just keep up with its stupidities. Basically, the condition affects me constantly and daily.

When people talk about AS, they talk about the issues with social interaction, repetitive interests etc., but in no way do I feel like they're talking about mental conditions like the one I'm describing in this post. When I talk to my family, doctors and psychologists about this, it appears that they cannot believe I really have what I've described.

I understand and accept the complications with having an ASD, but surely it cannot be normal to have what I'm describing right now? If it isn't normal (which I assume), I don't know what the "normal" is, and I feel that I deserve to be mentally and physically healthy and to feel happiness. What could be causing this condition? How can I cure it?

You have basically described how I feel every day. I've felt the same since I was a kid. I don't know if it's an ASD thing (I was diagnosed 2 years ago). I wish my brain would switch off. It pervades every part of my life. It has started effecting my art,I can't paint at the moment due to this. The thoughts have become so overwhelming that I have to stop. I wish I had answers. Sorry for not having any.



NikNak
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03 Jun 2017, 6:35 am

Meras wrote:
I never truly feel present in the present in reality.


A relatable sentiment. Have you ever tried mindfulness techniques? You may find a structured course in mindfulness helpful. Or you could order a book online and listen to recordings (there's plenty on YouTube and I can also link you to some). I'm just starting with mindfulness and have found it to be beneficial.


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leejosepho
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03 Jun 2017, 7:27 am

TheAvenger161173 wrote:
... It pervades every part of my life. It has started [affecting] my art, I can't paint at the moment due to this. The thoughts have become so overwhelming that I have to stop...

I no longer write like I used to, but I had that same kind of problem at times and could often not write anything at all.


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AshtenS
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06 Jun 2017, 11:58 am

From what I can tell this is perfectly normal for autistic people.



Meras
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06 Jun 2017, 12:38 pm

All the time it feels as if my brain is involuntarily and constantly forcing me to have thoughts and perform physical rituals that I just don't want. Physical rituals include waving my arms in the air, scratching my nose with my fingers, and moving my tongue around in my mouth for no reason. My feeling is that my brain is constantly programming itself for any potential future danger so it knows how to act, and keeping all these things in my mind as a way of being able to act quickly when the danger becomes a reality (a few times I've gotten really scared for a moment even though that was an extremely excessive reaction). It also feels as if I'm obsessively trying to control everything in my mind and body and my environment all the time, and that someone else is controlling my body and my mind - as if I am not living in my body and really am someone else.

My personal way of coping with all these things is trying to think harder. But no matter what I do, these things eventually find a sharp place in my mind; I cannot simply erase these things from my mind. Again, it steals my wanted energy and causes concentration problems. Now, I know I am human and not perfect in any way, but I just want to live peacefully and do the things that I want and not have unnecessary, involuntary intrusive stupidies constantly occupying my mind that make me feel hijacked by someone else. I also want to leave my body alone.

When I describe some of my thoughts to my parents, they cannot acknowledge that what I'm going through is not normal. I understand those who suggest OCD, but I do not have constant worries about tragedies that may happen in real life and do not have any serious self-doubt.



Feeling_Unvalidated
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06 Jun 2017, 12:43 pm

@Meras i recommend How Can I Talk If My Lips Don’t Move? Inside My Autistic Mind by Tito Rajarshi Mukhopadhyay.



TheAvenger161173
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06 Jun 2017, 4:21 pm

leejosepho wrote:
TheAvenger161173 wrote:
... It pervades every part of my life. It has started [affecting] my art, I can't paint at the moment due to this. The thoughts have become so overwhelming that I have to stop...

I no longer write like I used to, but I had that same kind of problem at times and could often not write anything at all.

It's awful :(