Having AS and lots of friends?

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Has anyone else with aspergers always had friends? The stereotype seems to be that people with aspergers can't make friends. I was diagnosed with AS at age 3 and from what I remember, I've always had friends. During pre school I Didn't understand how to make friends so I bullied other kids and got them to do things I wanted and thought they were my friends. During primary and middle school, despite being in all the special needs groups, and I was always different, I had quite a few friends, I didn't have much of a problem socialising with other kids, I was quite noisy and outgoing at school, quite and shy at home. I used to play with all the other kids in my area, every day at and after school, I must have had 6 or 7 friends, I even had a few girlfriends witch at the time I didn't know what a relationship was, they all left me. I even got invited to birthday parties. They all eventually turned on me and ditched me for no reason. It wasn't until high school in my teens when I started to struggle with social problems. I thought it was the other way around, socially isolated and awkward as a kid and then get better as an adult. I developed severe social anxiety due to my problems in social situations. I almost fear strangers, sit on my own at lunch at work while my colleagues sit together as the group conversation overwhelms and confuses me, I have panic attacks when invited to parties and bbqs, I have trouble having mature conversions, as if my social skills are lacking behind my age. I notice I get called weird a lot more and my AS has become much more noticeable as if the whole thing has got worse. I still have 4 close friends now who I live with so I'm not doing too bad

Last edited by Roo95 on 30 Jun 2017, 5:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

While there have definitely been times throughout my life that I felt lonely and alienated, I have almost always had friends or people who were supportive. The other day I was talking to my old 6th grade teacher, who was and is one of the most compassionate and understanding people I have ever met, for advice on managing my meltdowns and he told me this information that floored me:

"I imagine your peers seemed like a real pain at times, but when you experienced a meltdown, what I saw was an incredibly supportive group of friends. I think this was because they had known you since kindergarten. They'd seen all the great stuff about you. They liked you. So when you had a meltdown that would've sent most 11-year olds scurrying for cover, most your classmates would create a large circle around you. If anyone moved in too close, someone would remind the group you needed some space. They wanted to be there for you, but they knew they had to wait for you to be ready. So they waited. I saw this phenomenon multiple times and every time it blew me away."

I was always a fairly popular guy up until the age of about 16. However, with the exception of my ex, I have not had a friend in the last 11 years.

It's ironic that I have to revise the 'Attachment Theory' for an interview I have on Monday. It's a concept used in developmental psychology that concerns the importance of attachment in relation to personal development. John Bowlby theorised that it's paramount for a young person to have a strong attachment to at least one person in their life. Without such a strong foundation in place, a child is more likely to be insecure and vulnerable, thereby inhibiting them from branching out and taking risks that would increase their learning opportunities.

Maybe you faked the test when you were 3 aha.
There's always exceptions to the rule.
Some aspies excel at something most other aspies commonly struggle with or fail at.

That's a lovely story. It really is amazing what they did for you and how they reacted. I remember when I had regular meltdowns in middle school, all the other kids would run away, my support lady I had with me all the time would even stay away because my meltdowns were very destructive. Think my teachers hated me because I was very badly behaved in school

[quote="JakeASD"]I was always a fairly popular guy up until the age of about 16. However, with the exception of my ex, I have not had a friend in the last 11 years.

It's ironic that I have to revise the 'Attachment Theory' for an interview I have on Monday. It's a concept used in developmental psychology that concerns the importance of attachment in relation to personal development. John Bowlby theorised that it's paramount for a young person to have a strong attachment to at least one person in their life. Without such a strong foundation in place, a child is more likely to be insecure and vulnerable, thereby inhibiting them from branching out and taking risks that would increase their learning opportunities.[/quote

My experience was similar, I was never popular, far from it but still had a few friends until my teens when I completely Lost the ability to socialise properly with people my own age. Good luck with the interview, it sounds very interesting. I myself have experienced attachment to certain people who have done nice things for me, for example an old work colleague who was always nice to me, I grew attached to him as no one had treated me very nicely before, but got very upset when I got moved to a different car dealership, he stopped talking to me. Turns out I got too attached and he was simply just being polite to me, how he is to everyone. I have always had this issue, I'll get attached to them thinking they only treat me nicely because they think of me as a friend but I didn't realise I was nothing more than an acquaintance as they are the same with everyone, not just me if that makes sense

Haha I did have this thought before, I have always and still do have most of the traits and issues with social cues like jokes and being taken advantage of. I was never popular at all, I was more hated as i was severely bullied to the point where I was almost moved to a special school. I think most of these friends and gfs I had I got because I grew up with most of these people right from nursery as a toddler up until my early teens. Now I have become socially isolated, unable to make friends or get a girlfriend but I still have 4 friends left, all I need.

Last edited by Roo95 on 01 Jul 2017, 11:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

Children need playmates and adults need friends.

I suppose it was easier for you as a kid to find others to play with, but as you got older there were these nuances that came into play as the other kids matured and you didn't pick up on them. You began to realise that there was some sort of disconnect and you didn't know what you were doing wrong, so that made you anxious about how you interacted with others.

I totally understand that. I was quite a gregarious child, fun, loud and talkative. But school slowly beat that out of me. I became anxious because I didn't know what I was doing wrong. That has continued into adulthood. I am very careful around people these days and it takes me a long time to take the wall down slowly and to trust people.

I usually get baffled when Aspie children have friends. As a child I didn't have any friends stay over, although I did have one come to mine for dinner after school when I was very little but that soon died out after the age of 7, and she didn't come at weekends or during school holidays. But I think not seeing classmates outside of school might have been due to having my cousin as a best friend, who was a year older than me. We spent every weekend together and nearly every day during the holidays and we was always having sleepovers. So at the time I felt that she was such fun to be with, that I didn't think about seeing other children. She wasn't the best at making friends either, and had a few traits of AS (although she was never diagnosed).

As with AS adults with NT friends, I really do get baffled. I only have a small circle of friends, of different ages and most aren't NTs, and I have workmates but I don't really hang out with outside of work. I've never had a "group" of friends. I remember when I was about 18-19 I hung about with a group of friends I met from college, and we hung out on Saturdays and for a while I felt happy to be involved in a group of friends. But the group got smaller and then the ones that were left started bullying me because I think one or two of them started taking drugs. So I stopped seeing them after that and haven't been friends with them since.

Exactly, perfect answer, that's what I was thinking. I think other kids were drawn to me at the time because I was loud and talkative also and because they found my random outbursts and the harsh honest way i spoke my mind without considering others hillarious. understand what you mean about taking the wall down but for me it takes a long time to get used to someone to the point of being comfortable around them and be able to have a perfectly normal conversion without having to try hard but I tend to trust people too easy, leading to me being taken advantage of as I have a hard time realizing that not everyone is as honest and loyal as I am and that there are people who will get you into deep trouble and not care. and even landing me a police caution last year on my clean record.

[quote="Joe90"]I usually get baffled when Aspie children have friends. As a child I didn't have any friends stay over, although I did have one come to mine for dinner after school when I was very little but that soon died out after the age of 7, and she didn't come at weekends or during school holidays. But I think not seeing classmates outside of school might have been due to having my cousin as a best friend, who was a year older than me. We spent every weekend together and nearly every day during the holidays and we was always having sleepovers. So at the time I felt that she was such fun to be with, that I didn't think about seeing other children. She wasn't the best at making friends either, and had a few traits of AS (although she was never diagnosed).

As with AS adults with NT friends, I really do get baffled. I only have a small circle of friends, of different ages and most aren't NTs, and I have workmates but I don't really hang out with outside of work. I've never had a "group" of friends. I remember when I was about 18-19 I hung about with a group of friends I met from college, and we hung out on Saturdays and for a while I felt happy to be involved in a group of friends. But the group got smaller and then the ones that were left started bullying me because I think one or two of them started taking drugs. So I stopped seeing them after that and haven't been friends with them since.[/quogot

I understand why it baffles you as it did me when I looked back over what I remember of my childhood. In a way I was like you, I never had many friends at once, usually hung out with 1 good close friend at and after school and that was it, for example the special needs group I was in when I was in primary, I met a kid with dyslexia and he got talking to me. My quirks, weirdness and the way I acted didn't bother him and we became close. The only friend I ever had come round. Then after that we grew apart and the same thing happened again with someone else until he got a car first and never spoke to me again. I always had my small circles of 2 or 3 friends I stuck with who again put up with my weirdness as we weren't nerds but the people who were unpopular and were targets for bullies. These 3 friends are the only real friends I ever had, known them for 10 years and now live together in a house. Some of the other friends I got were from someone talking to me, I can talk back as long as they start the conversation, we'd become friends, then this new friend often had their own other friends who they'd introduce me to, leading to more friends. Also when I was younger my mum and dad knew other parents of kids from my school so they'd arrange 'play dates' witch I liked. I also have a little sister and older brother, and got plenty of help after my diagnosis from therapist and other people that probably helped alot

I don't think I ever progressed past playmates , in my teens it was all about someone to take drugs with.

I always seem to have felt like I generally couldn't relate to other people, but there would somehow be at least one person in my life who had managed to make friends with me, very often through their efforts rather than mine.

That one person would change over the years, but there has always seemed to be one person I can feel closer to and trust with confiding things, etc. It's kind of almost like there is only room for one person in my emotional space.

I've had times when there were lots of acquaintances around my life-situation rather than actual friends, but even those looser connections felt overwhelming to me; I'm finding myself in one of those times these days, and it's causing me quite bad problems actually.

One thing to point out is I've always been in private schools for kids with autism, and there's been plenty of schoolmates who socialize with each other. It's not like all the students keep to themselves.

I've always had maybe one or two people that I played with or spent time with as a child, but most of the time it was because we were in the same class at school or our mothers were friends and we were close in age, so they got us together to play a few times a month. The difference between this and actual "friends" seems to be whether or not people actually like spending time with me or talking to me. Looking back at when I was a child, the people I played with didn't genuinely like me and were just there because they were told to be nice to me. I never really had real friends though until I was older and even now, I only really have one super-close friend and then a bunch of people I talk to about certain topics online. I consider some of them friends too, but our interactions are typically us talking about celebrities and TV shows (which is fine with me, to be honest )

Lucky both of you. When I was having meltdowns at school the other kids were making it worse by creating a circle around me so I couldn't escape. They were laughing, yelling and poking me because my reactions were "funny". And teachers? They had no idea what to do and I was often the one punished afterwards because they believed I somehow provoked the other kids and then went overboard.

But I was pretty extrovertic child despite being bullied. I wanted to have friends and I was often coming up to other kids and saying "Hello. My name is Kate. Let's play together" and when my parents were going to visit some of their friends I was always asking "Are any kids there?" and coming with them if so. I got some some childhood friends this way, although all of them were younger than me and from another school. I could never get along with school peers till high school(I stopped having public meltdowns and almost noone in the new school knew me), where I got a group of 5 friends I was playing tabletop rpg games with. I am still friends with one of the girls and I got a male friend as an adult. Still no real boyfriend though.

Currently I am not thet good at making new friends though. An adult cannot just come to a stranger and say "Let's play." can we?
I was pretty liked in my college because I could talk with anyone about the tests and such but I never met any of them outside(except for a girl that was giving me a lift) because I am not sure if I can just call them and say "Let's met somewhere" and I find it hard to imagine what would we do at the meeting. If I am the one inviting I should have an idea what to do and I don't have any so I believe I have no right to ask and well... I doubt they would want to met me anyway. Hanging out just to talk sounds very boring and a waste of time. Sometimes I accidentally met people I know in the city and I try to have a conversation with them but they are always in hurry or its difficult to find a topic to talk about. Kids are easier to deal with. Actually kids somehow like me and "wish I were their sister" because I just naturally play with kids - and animals.