Jealousy over other apies that can "pass"

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I can't be the only one that gets jealous over this? I know my life is a mess for a number of reasons but seeing a fellow Aspie friend passing as NT perfectly is depressing.

Well there is a bright side to not "passing". People will be more likely to see your issues as legitimate and you're more likely to be diagnosed/have been diagnosed and as a female that's significant.

Perhaps perfectly is slightly overstated? They must walk in the mire or odd pitfall from time to time? We are all human so you are justified to feel they way you do, but perhaps you should be happy for your friend as well. You are perfect the way you are, you wouldn't be uniquely you if you fit perfectly into someone else's idea of normal.

I'm jealous of the other Aspies that CAN'T pass, unlike me, but THEY are NOT LABELED.


(Yes, I had a very bad experience with labeling.)

I don't know enough about Aspergers to comment but I'm going to try and offer help anyway.

As everyone is different and has different skills and weakness's being jealous about this is an irrational emotion.
Unless you had exactly the same background as your friends and your Aspergers is identical how do you expect to be able to do the same things.
What I've read seems to suggest that 'passing' nearly always comes at a price , and that price is usually your mental health e.g. anxiety , depression etc
I don't think the emotion you are feeling is jealousy , I think it's envy.
You could try and change the way you feel about this by looking at it positively i.e When you feel envious , change your thinking and instead try and feel good about the fact that your friends can pass , feel happy for them , maybe comment on how skilled they are at passing , you never know but they might not even agree with opinion.

Jealousy or envy is wasted energy, because everyone is having some kind of struggle, even if you can't see what the downside of that person's life may be.

I would also suspect that your friend probably doesn't "perfectly" pass. I don't think there can be a person with even mild autism enough to meet impairment criteria for diagnosis who could possibly be "perfect" at passing, at least not all the time.

Personally, in my own case, I've assumed of myself that there are times when, with effort, I can attempt to "pass," but I've begun to realize, upon analysis of my own life, that historically I probably didn't pass as well as I believed I did, on many occasions and in many situations, and that this is still the case.

If you think you see your friend passing for NT with a lot of skill, perhaps what you don't see is that later he or she "pays for it" in the form of mental exhaustion, shutdown or meltdown back at home, irritability back at home, and other fallout from the effort of the acting job they just performed.

Or that they are not fooling everyone all the time, and if you were to ask the other people who know your friend, you may even find that they admit sometimes they think he or she seems "off" in some way, if they really know the person well.

I also agree with the person above who said there is actually a beneficial side to not passing well.

When you can't pass for NT or maybe can try but don't, the good part is, people do take your autism more seriously.

They at least believe you because they clearly see you have some issues, behaviors and challenges.

The good side of seeing that is that some people will in fact assist you more readily in a number of ways. Or even just believe you instead of scoff at you if you're a so-called high functioning and you try to share that you've been diagnosed.

Of course, the downside to being more obviously autistic is of course bullying and abuse from those who are cruel.

But the downside to someone "passing" can also be a bit cruel in terms of disbelief, dismissal of your claim that you are on the spectrum, refusal to assist you with something that DOES come up as a genuine challenge, refusal to accommodate you with sensory issues or in a tough situation for you.

There are downsides and benefits to "obvious" autism and there are downsides to "passing" too, and personally I think the upsides to passing are not actually "real" or very healthy upsides, not in the longterm.

Well, I REALLY envy those who can pass and be natural-- not just look natural sorta, but BE GENUINELY NATURAL. I know I can too but people think I can't because I don't always. But that's due to nerves, not due to incompetence.

I would have thought that if someone is genuinely managing to be "genuinely natural" then they don't meet diagnostic criteria. . .!

There is a difference between being truly, genuinely natural in NT behaviors and masking or attempting to perform learned "natural" NT behaviors, and if the degree of genuine ease is that much, they wouldn't even be diagnosed because being NT is coming so "naturally". . .

Not every Aspie doesn't perform well naturally in social situations; that's just ONE trait of Asperger's. No one trait is had by all Aspies.

Yes I realize that. I don't think you quite see what I'm saying, however. . .