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Tom1992
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22 Jul 2017, 7:14 am

Is this asd



Raleigh
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22 Jul 2017, 7:19 am

Many people hold grudges.
I don't think it's specifically an ASD thing.
I dont really see the point of it.
What purpose does it serve?


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kraftiekortie
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22 Jul 2017, 8:07 am

Holding grudges slowly decays your body and mind.



CuriousButDepressed
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22 Jul 2017, 8:47 am

No, it's not ASD. It's just the person you are. I personally am also the kind of person who will stay pissed at someone for a long time if they've screwed with me and won't show remorse and while there are many people who will tell you you're weird for doing this, don't listen to them. It's just your personality and we all have different ways of dealing with someone screwing with us.



Trueno
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22 Jul 2017, 9:04 am

Grudge = letting someone else have power over you.
I don't want to play... if it intrudes into your thoughts occasionally, watch the thoughts come, then watch the thoughts go.


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CuriousButDepressed
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22 Jul 2017, 9:07 am

I disagree that a grudge is letting someone have power over you. In fact, forgiving the person because of an unfair societal demand is letting someone have power over you, because they know that they can hurt you as much as they want and will get away with it because the victim is expected to forgive them or be seen as being just as horrible as a person who's done something much worse. By holding a grudge and not forgiving, you're basically saying to society: "f**k you, I'm not playing by these unfair rules. I will not let you influence me and will stand strong in my decision." Just my two cents.



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22 Jul 2017, 9:19 am

^^ can't follow the reasoning at all. No-one I've ever forgiven has ever re-offended, nor have they had the chance to. I'll agree to disagree on that one.


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sunset47
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22 Jul 2017, 9:29 am

Not forgiving someone and holding a grudge is like drinking poison hoping the other person will die; it's not effective.


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You scored 62 aloof, 49 rigid and 81 pragmatic - language differences
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 59 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 148 of 200
EQ = 50
SQ = 37
AQ = 22
You are very likely neurotypical


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22 Jul 2017, 9:31 am

Not my ASD. I don't understand the emotional context of a grudge either. If I understand a person's nature to be a threat, I will simply respond appropriately to negate the threat. It ends there.
I once heard the saying "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."


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CuriousButDepressed
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22 Jul 2017, 9:33 am

Can't help but disagree. A grudge would instead be analogous to building a barbed electrical fence around yourself that shocks the person who refuses to show remorse or apologize, to prevent them from getting to you again. Once they've apologized, the fence would be turned off because they're not a threat to you anymore. In short, not forgiving an unremorseful person establishes boundaries and limits that prevent people from screwing you over and get away with it. People know you won't be f****d with and that there are consequences.



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22 Jul 2017, 9:55 am

^ I can see the basis of that analogy, but from my perspective simply managing the threat without the need for any emotional content is easier. They cannot screw you over because if you have managed the situation appropriately, they are thereafter completely irrelevant. As to there being consequences - that reads more like a desire for revenge or retribution. I can't get validation from that and so am not particularly interested in it. There doesn't necessarily need to be any consequences for screwing with me, so long as I have properly responded to prevent that person being troublesome in future, I don't care if they are somehow punished for their actions towards me or not.


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CuriousButDepressed
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22 Jul 2017, 10:16 am

Yeah, I'm not like that in the slightest. I personally believe that having such a lax attitude about whether the offender gets punished or not is dangerous to society at large. I also believe in retribution/retaliation within reason, provided the retribution doesn't break legal boundaries. It's impossible for me personally to not let the person be relevant to me if they've screwed me over and haven't shown remorse or tried to make up for the wrong. While I will almost always move on from what the person did as in I will continue living my life and not make it my mission to get back at them, I will never forgive people who don't show remorse or try to make up for their actions. Asking me to let that go emotionally is like asking a bear not to eat fish. I just can't do it, I never will and I shouldn't try. When people screw me over there will always be some degree of rage in my body, whether dormant or not.



shortfatbalduglyman
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22 Jul 2017, 9:27 pm

yes i tend to hold numerous grudges for years. a long time. oftentimes the defendant does not recognize me.

for example, my precious lil "parents" gave me a hard time for crossdressing and getting a buzz cut. in 2003. it is now 2017. and my precious lil "mom" dropped dead 2 years ago. but still every day i hold a grudge against them. intense.

holding a grudge does not prevent someone from offending you again. holding a grudge serves no functional purpose.

instead you could just stop obsessing about it, and not interact with them anymore. or if you interact with them, not within that context. be more careful and anal retentive.

but grudge holding comes as second nature to me.

ha. five years ago a precious lil "friend" had the nerve to tell me that "you used a whole roll of toilet paper" and "most people use a decent amount." so 2x i asked how many pieces. finally she enlightened me. four, five, six, or seven pieces. (rolls eyes). seriously.

to this day i still hold a grudge against her.

she had some nerve to call herself "most people". what is "most people", three and a half billion people? (rolls eyes). what kind of research did she do?

besides, the world contains more convicted rapists, than Nobel Prize winners in Physics. it does not follow the activity with more participants is more morally justified.

and seriously?

she was totally arrogant and condecending. and judgmental.

then she had the nerve to tell me that she would tell me everything i did that she did not like. and she expected me to change, to her preference. immediately, drastically, cheerfully, perfectly, and permanently.

it was like. (Rolls eyes).

maybe she should've paid me minimum wage. seriously.

besides, "most people" does not refer to me b/c i am not cisgender or neurotypical. but i am one person.

she is just one person too.

she did not even know that her tone and word choice indicated her superior attitude.

then she would not change the slightest thing she did that i did not like. not even when it was illegal.

and then she had the nerve to interrupt me numerous times. she said "what?" instead of "excuse me". when i talked she half listened. sometimes she interrupted me to ask what i was going to say next. numerous times she cancelled on me. with lame excuses like "my dad's birthday is next week and i have a lot of homework." and "i'm feeling lazy." then she told me she would "probably definitely" be somewhere. and not even six hours later she was absent. no show.

she pushed the boundaries way too far, way too many times. in way too many ways.

one time we agreed to meet on a certain day, time, and at her apartment. then the day before it, she emailed to tell me she was dog sitting. and she knew full well i am/was afraid of dogs.

and she told me i could "reschedule" if that was not ok. it was like wtf? it's like when we made plans, she kept them as long as she didn't find anything better to do. and the slightest thing. what a flake.

those dogs were off leash. came chasing and barking at me. they physically touched me.

and she acted like she didn't do anything wrong.

she valued someone else's dogs more than she valued me.

:oops:


:evil:


yeah anyways it was not like i dropped by unannounced, and the dogs were already there.

she knew we had plans, before she agreed to dogsit.

how hard was it to just not dogsit.

okay. so. four years after that incident. if you could call it an incident. i was doing my job. which involved walking on the sidewalk and taking notes. when a dog that i did not see or recognize bit me.

okay.

now i am really afraid of dogs

anything that looks or sounds the slightest bit like a dog now provokes. incites. evokes. triggers. an entire heart attack. panic attack. blood pressure raising.

trigger from me.



:roll:



1Biggles1
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22 Jul 2017, 9:52 pm

Not asd related in my view but i can understand why some on the spectrum including myself might hold onto grudges. Especially having such vivid memories. I dont think its grudges in the true sense of the word but for me i have always been forgiving and by doing so has got me into bother again and again with the same individuals i have forgiven. Even to the point of apologizing knowing i did no wrong just to keep a positive atmosphere. Even doing this has given backlash.. I do give people benefit of doubt but i am much more choosy on who i forgive now. I am trying to avoid negative recurrences by not attracting more through forgiveness. It is not a nice thing to do and does effect me somewhat but i also realise many human beings dont have positive intent and as a self defense mechanism one must sometimes make the decision to cut people off.



shortfatbalduglyman
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25 Jul 2017, 8:49 pm

1Biggles1 wrote:
Not asd related in my view but i can understand why some on the spectrum including myself might hold onto grudges. Especially having such vivid memories. I dont think its grudges in the true sense of the word but for me i have always been forgiving and by doing so has got me into bother again and again with the same individuals i have forgiven. Even to the point of apologizing knowing i did no wrong just to keep a positive atmosphere. Even doing this has given backlash.. I do give people benefit of doubt but i am much more choosy on who i forgive now. I am trying to avoid negative recurrences by not attracting more through forgiveness. It is not a nice thing to do and does effect me somewhat but i also realise many human beings dont have positive intent and as a self defense mechanism one must sometimes make the decision to cut people off.


____________________________________________________________________

yeah vivid memories are one thing.

another thing, is that, i, as an autist, have often had zero precious lil "friends". once in a while had a few precious lil "friends".

so, maybe it is easier to hold grudges, with few or no friends. than it is to hold grudges, when someone has a lot of friends.

diversion