no autopilot?

Post Reply New Topic

Like many on this forum, I've thought a lot about the ways in which I am different and the same from those around me, and I think I have one metaphor that pretty much sums up everything: my autopilot doesn't work. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense:

1. Why didn't I recognize my cousin when I ran into her in a public place?
I don't have an autopilot recognition system. I have to think about recognizing people, and when I do, I'm pretty good at it (98th percentile in face recognition on the faceblind test), but if I'm not thinking about it, I'm SOL.

2. Why can't I put my bag down in the same place every time, or even most of the time?
I don't have an autopilot putting-bag-down reflex, so the only way I will put things in the same place is to think consciously to myself "PUT BAG HERE"

3. Why can't I draw cartoons well, though I am good at realism?
I don't have that this-is-what-I-drew-before reflex. It's really hard for me to have stereotypy in my hand-written symbols, which makes my handwriting impossible to follow, but it makes my detailed realistic art pieces look more random and natural.

4. Why can't I remember orders of dance moves in choreography?
Well, technically I CAN, but again, as soon as I stop thinking about the order, it's gone, I have no order memorization autopilot, or at least a very minimal one.

5. Why is it hard for me to lead a walking group?
LITERALLY, I have no autopilot. If someone starts talking to me while I'm walking, we may never get there. I have to give it my all. However, this has benefits too, because I notice that when I walk alone I usually find faster ways to get from point A to point B, if for no other reason than I am thinking harder about the process than other people.

What do you guys think? Can you relate or am I off in left field?
If so, I blame my no-autopilot for how I got there.

I relate. I have difficulty maintaining order and structure because of it. Visual reminders are set in place a list is followed.

I agree! I would have said so sooner, but I forgot my laptop charger at work... again =_=

That's actually one really nice thing about living alone: no one is there to judge me when I make the same mistake over and over. I can just laugh about it and let it go.

I can relate to 2 and 5 (but 5 also due to my bad sense of orientation...often enough I even wouldn't know where to go when I'm alone).

Have you noticed if this makes you mentally and physically slower because you have to take the time to consciously do everything?

Have you noticed if this makes you mentally exhausted quicker because you have to do everything consciously?

YES

1. Completely, I get you. I get scared sometimes when my brother changes his hairstyle. In my head, I'm like "Memorise this!! ! Try really hard!! !" For context, I live with him and see him every day.

2. This is the one trick I've mastered. Thank God for OCD and ritualism. when you can't sleep at night because you keep thinking "And my wallet is where? And my bag is there? And my toothbrush is here?" That autopilot gets set in stone.

3. The opposite. My handwriting is super neat most times, but I have zero natural art skill.

4. My brother, the one I live with who I don't always recognize, is like a karate genius. I can't karate. I can barely mimic the poses when they do it in slow mo. I can do these things, but it never gets set into muscle memory, it's like using all my brain ram and processing power to do these things. Jumping rope, is where my brain tops out at.

How does that work where 1 kid is the karate prodigy and the other one uses handrails on stairs like a 90+ lady? Some jealousy is creeping in, and sometimes when watching sports i realise it's less admiration and more, "Can I have your body, with all it's coordination? And running ability? And functioning face-recognition skills - I see how you can recognize your teammates across a field... I want that..."

It's really like a computer or a phone or something. Ram consumption is just way too much. "Physical Activity is taking up too much memory. Close Personality and Oral Communication to continue?"

5. Let's just say I had Forrest Gump boots on as a child. Walking is not my forte. I've falling down stairs several times, to the extent where i started looking up "how not to break your neck when falling down stairs. "I'm not allowed on the treadmills in two different gyms... I'm the person who looked at Forrest running his marathon with burning
envy. I'm nearly 30 and my mother still grills me about how to cross the street because "You know how you walk like a drunk!"

I'm starting to feel like I'm in way too many different left fields, so can we call this one centre-field, or whatever is the sports term for "most normal field?

I go on auto pilot and I just thought they were habits. I put my keys in my purse without thinking about it, I lock my car without thinking about it so I locked my husband in the car for a year after we were together. I even filled the mop bucket at work with the wrong chemical because I was on auto pilot so I used the chemical I always used to mop the floors. The change was my mop had broke so I used the mo bucket instead of one of those swiffer mops and you use a different chemical for the bucket than you do for the swiffer. I even locked my son in the car for a while too and then having to dig my keys out of my purse again to unlock my car again to get him out. But I was too terrified to toss my keys in the backseat as a reminder her is there or I could lock myself out of my car. I thought this was a me issue until I read about auto pilot and saw it's a normal thing and even NTs fall into routines and even a slight change can throw them off also so that is how kids get left in cars and how parents forget to drop them off at daycare. I have even walked to the wrong bus stop on weekends when I worked at the airport for training because I was on autopilot for going to the other bus stop I always went to but that bus didn't run that late on weekends so I had to go to a different bus stop. Three times I had to call my aunt to come get me and to take me downtown to drop me off so I could catch the train from there to my training. Auto pilot can get you into trouble like not having one can. They can be hard to get out of too and also take effort and concentration to not fall into it like it does when you try and get into the habit of it.

Fern,
You have totally nailed it. I used to refer to this situation as lack of habit strength but I like having no autopilot better. Things that should have become habit for us, we have to consciously step ourselves thru. Someone mentioned car keys--I have put my car keys in the same pocket since I started driving at about 16 yo. For the past several years tho I have caught myself putting them in the wrong pocket! I think I have lost them until they turn up in another pocket.

Similarly, I have gotten decent with eye contact, especially if I am talking to only one person. But its only because I am standing there saying to myself, "OK, that's long enough looking at their face, look away somewhere, oops they just make a joke, better look back to catch the twinkle in their eye, ok, that's done, go somewhere else now, yada, yada. So if we are going to successfully live on our own, keep a job, or whatever, we have no choice but to do the step-by-step coaching.

I so admire the singers that have become famous and have a long string of hits. Like Stevie Nicks or Elton John. They can get on stage (something I could never do to begin with) and not only remember all their old songs, the lyrics and the key/pitch to sing them at, but all the notes to play on the guitar or whatever instrument they are playing, at the same time. Obvoiusly THEY have strong auto-pilots that they can turn on and let it take them along.

For me and obviously many others on the spectrum, having no auto-pilot means that no activity is mindless.

I have a place for everything and I keep everything in its place. It has become a habit...

...to consciously think about everything. It is slow and exhausting. But as soon as I stop consciously thinking about what I need to do, what I am currently doing, and what I have already done, "it's gone".

I need those! If only I was in the habit of using them!

On my worst days, I came home late from work, my mind was already exhausted, and I needed every bit of consciousness to not pass out at the front door. I tried hard to form a thought as to how to put myself to bed, but each attempt failed and used up more precious consciousness.

That is an awesome analogy!

My autopilot is weird.

When driving I can be quite happily and safely driving along when suddenly I'll realise I've missed my turning ages ago and I've just been driving around in my own little world with no destination in mind for god knows how long

The amount of times I catch myself doing things like going to put cereal in the fridge because I need milk (and vice versa) is scary sometimes

I really agree with this. For as annoying as all of this is, being this way makes us find better ways of doing even the most basic things.

The auto pilot I described, it seems to only happen to people when they are tired or sleep deprived but it still happens to me even if I am not tired or sleep deprived. My husband says it only happens to him if he did not get enough sleep.

I can switch autopilot on at will and coast through any part of the day when I don't need to talk to anyone using it. I like autopilot, though. It means you're not really thinking of the reality around you and it doesn't distress you. I am also really faceblind. I can walk past people I know or am related to whilst on autopilot (to the extent that they may have to wave their hand in front of my face when my mind is elsewhere to get my attention).