Worried about my job and the future

Post Reply New Topic

Thought I'd come here and post since I can't sleep. I'm off work sick at the moment and have been for the past six months. I saw occupational health today who I see once a month anyway but HR wanted a formal review with advice from them about when they should expect me back to work and so on. Anyway, the doctor there told me he is getting concerned because I don't really seem to be making much progress and he thinks I should start the new tablets the psychiatrist recommended.

He said if I have any chance of being fit to return to work in January (which is what I'm aiming for) then I am going to have to do X, Y, Z to make it a possibility. He said I am nowhere near fit to return at the moment which was a shock to me. I feel like I have come on leaps and bounds compared to where I was even a month ago. Admittedly I'm nothing like my old self and no, I wouldn't be able to cope at work right now but it was a bit of a shock to hear and he has got me quite stressed out to be honest. I just feel like I'm a lost cause and they are going to want to re-deploy me or get rid of me because I'm just not up to it. He made it seem like even if I do improve significantly between now and January then it might be a case of I'm in the wrong job and they will have to look at other options for me but at the moment I'm not even fit enough for that. It was quite a blow. He said about time running out and if it's looking like I will need more than 12 months off then they will likely look to terminate my contract.

I already know and worry about stuff like this and I feel like it's just counter productive to me getting properly back on my feet. Everyone tells me different things I don't even know what to believe. Think about work, don't think about work. Take the medication, don't take the medication and see how you get on. Take one day at a time and do one think at a time. Then someone else telling me you must do X, Y and Z. No wonder I don't know what to do about anything.

I don't really want to be on medication if I'm honest, although deep down I think I probably need it. I feel okay now and am doing better the last few weeks but I know it won't last. It never does and I feel like I am starting to feel like I'm in chaos a little bit and did have a bit of a breakdown last week when I got my new premium through for my pet insurance. It doubled and my dog is quite poorly and needs the medication which I can't afford without insurance, and now I cant afford the insurance but that's another story. The point is, I had a total meltdown and was inconsolable I could barely speak. It seemed rational at the time but now I think back my ex must have thought I was a lunatic. Sorry I got a bit sidetracked there. So as I was saying, the psychiatrist told me that pretty much I need the meds and the doctor at work told me I am probably always going to need it too. I just don't know what to do. I don't like the side effects or how I feel on them. I am even more tired than normal, totally demotivated and I just am not myself in any way shape or form. I'm sure they reduce my obsessions/interests but they are a big part of who I am and without them I feel anxious and depressed because I feel like something is wrong as I'm not doing them. Or is that the depression why I stop doing them? I just don't even know anymore!

Then when I think about work I don't know how I'm ever going to go back and be able to do my job if I'm honest. I think I am going to have to go to part time hours but again I don't want to face reality, even though I just can't see how I will manage otherwise. Even if I re-deploy I'm not sure if I could cope. It's like my head has just totally gone and my brain has burnt out. I just can't cope with anything. It's challenge enough just getting up, dressed and doing the basics to get through the day.

I don't know what the point of this post is really other than to have a moan. I just feel totally screwed and I don't know what I am going to do. Has anyone else been in this position? I have a good job, I worked hard to get it and I don't want to have to give it up