I am in desperate need of help

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I was referred from another forum.

I am diagnosed with Asperger's, meaning that I have difficulty talking. Whenever someone talks to me, it feels like everything in my memory goes away. I can't have a conversation with anyone. I feel like this is the cause of all my problems.

Right now, I have no friends at school. I always feel lonely. I've never felt happy ever since I moved to this school 2 years ago. I wish I could just be happy again. I remember the first day of this school when I tried talking to some people and they were mean to me. People I don't know are randomly mean to me, which concerns me for the future. A lot of people are either mean to me or just get angry at me whenever I speak. I don't know why. I've already reached out to teachers for help, but they're not doing anything. On top of that, I go to a school that emphasises a lot of group work. I've had trouble working with people, and I always feel uncomfortable in a group work situation. There have even been teachers that have gotten angry at me for either not speaking or not having friends. I just wish I was someone different, so that people aren't mean to me and don't get angry at me. I've had three breakdowns at school.

Whenever someone asks me a question, I can't answer them. It's in me, but I can't get it out. Even if I do speak, I always stumble and they can't understand me. People always mishear me for some reason. And I have no one to practice with. I've already been to a speech pathologist when I was younger and I just don't know what can help me. There are no other quiet people at my school. When I ask questions, people always get angry at me for no reason.

It is a lot worse at home. My parents always get angry at me, no matter what I say and what I do. They always act like it's my fault, and that I chose to not be able to speak. Even if I get better at speaking, they don't care. They want me to be a perfect speaker straight away. Whenever they ask me a question and I can't answer them, they always snap at me like I did the worst thing in the world imaginable. They say "stop" even when I'm not doing anything, and they seemingly get angry at me for no reason. Whenever I ask why, they get even angrier at me. They always look at me like I did something wrong. They always say that I'm a bad child to other people, and how ridiculous it is that I can't speak. I try to avoid as much as possible speaking to anyone in my family, because I know they're going to get angry at me. They've also gotten angry at me for having no friends.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am really desperate and came here. Some nights, I cry myself to sleep just thinking about this.

What I would like some advice on is:
1. How to deal with my loneliness at school
2. How to deal with my parents
3. How I can become a better speaker. (PLEASE!! !)

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. I know my own high school experience was hell because I struggled with making friends. I also was dealing with parents similar to yours (I still am, thanks craptastic economy). As for my advice:

1. Find a group that meets that pertains to one of your special interests. For instance: In high school, I was apart of the drama club. I was able to make a few friends this way as we had something to connect over. You could also get a part time job. It's amazing how social people become when you're the only other employee in the building with them.
2. Do you have any relatives that you can stay with in the area? It sounds like you'd be better off living with other members of your family that are far more understanding than your parents. If you can't, remind yourself that you are making progress and that you're doing a good job. I'd also recommend getting into therapy because it sounds like you need to talk to someone about what they are doing to you.
3. The only reason I became a better speaker is I took speech and debate along with drama in high school. Both are classes where you have to speak in public and it helped me to talk to people about subjects (or parts) that I memorized like the back of my hand.
4. My final piece of advice, see if you can't switch to some sort of charter school/ independent home study as the school sounds like it's not willing to work with you or your needs. If you can not, I encourage you to get your GED and start studying at a junior college or transfer to a four year college straight away.

My last bit of advice is to hold your head up as you are an awesome person and you will get through this and it will get better. It'll still be hard on some days but it'll get better.

It sounds to me you are under huge pressure and very anxious. Anxiety can make you speechless. High school life was hell, but I managed by spending time in the library, researching on whatever interested me and studying hard. I had only adult friends. I can't give advice on loneliness at school because I was alone there too.

Maybe, think about what you like and try to find like-minded people. For group work, if you can focus on the specific task and are able to contribute your knowledge, it will make others look up to you. Pay attention to research and study, this will boost your confidence. That's my strategy which worked for me. Hmm, those students worked with me, but no one wanted to be my friends outside classrooms.

Your parents seem to have unrealistic expectation. Like my parents, they don't want to educate themselves on the subject, instead, they live in denial and only try to force you into their 'box'. I put up with my parents' attitude too. Don't let them discourage you.
Please don't dwell on those negative thoughts and situations. I know it's hard because you are right in the middle of it. Instead, think about a solution, e.g. where can I get support service? What book can I read to improve my skills? etc.

Do you have any professional support, e.g. psychologist? You mentioned a speech pathologist.
Any counsellor at school? Your school does not seem to have staff who know AS and how to support students with AS. Find out anyway whether they can offer any support. How about school nurse? Normally, a healthcare professional can direct you to an appropriate support service.

You seem to be good at expressing through writing. That's your strength. Well, write your thoughts down. Maybe, jot down what you want to say and practise. Observe and memorise what others do. That's how I improve my social skills. It will be better if you can get help from a psychologist specialising in AS. I don't know that's possible in your current circumstance.
When I had to do group or individual presentations, I practiced speaking with animals. I don't know you like animals or not, but they are my good friends. They were not my pets, but I was allowed to interact with them. Horses and dogs were my first audience every time. It sounds weird, but talking to animals can help. At least, you can vent and cry and they won't judge you.
I have a problem with my speech at times too, so I know how hard it can be. As I mentioned before, if you cannot speak, then write.

Thanks for all your advice. Are there any specialists in this forum that can help me? Because I want to know how to improve my speaking for real.

I am sorry your parents are like that and that autistic people of your generation have to go to school in an era when group work is emphasized.

I shutdown when anxoius or need to multitask.

You do write very well it and that talent is eventually going to help you.

Thanks! I do indeed write well and I write things down and say them whenever I can't say anything. However, I want to get rid of the writing part. I want to be able to say things without writing them down. Other people won't have the time to wait for me to answer them. I won't be able to write things down when I try to have a conversation with someone. I've been called a "burden" and such because I can't contribute to the group whenever I work with other people. This is why I'm so desperate. Everyday, it's like hell for me, working and seeing other people that don't appreciate me.

Man you've really been treated like s**t and you sound like such a nice person. I don't usually get emotionally affected by posts but yours got to me bro.