I'm considering having a child...

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I'm actually already trying to have a baby--my husband would be a good Dad--but I'm pretty fearful about it. I'm not sure I'm "warm" enough to be a good mother and I admit that babies kind of scare me. Maybe that's partly because I don't have much experience with them. I'm also worried that I would be passing along a family trait for AS (although not diagnosed, I suspect all my siblings have it , as well as my late Aunt Barbara). I guess I have, or maybe should have, some ethical concerns about that.

I would welcome the insights of any of you who are mothers/parents with AS.
Thanks,
SkyBar

I am self-dx'd Aspie going for official assessment in near future. I have two sons, oldest (almost 4) was dx'd with autistic disorder (moderate but high functioning) at 29 months and my youngest son is 20 months and so far he appears to be a quirky, advanced in many areas of development a, very high needs and possibly NT like his father. We're done having children but it doesn't matter to me if it's passed on, it was likely passed on to me and my son from my father's side of the family where there are low-functioning autistics and some Aspies (diagnosed and undiagnosed). I'd rather pass on being an Aspie/Autistic than pass on a deadly gene for some sort of rare disease. There are much worse things in this world than the way people think about us. I love being a mother, it's overwhelming at times especially with my youngest son but we make do.

Did you always want to be a Mom? Do you feel that you can relate to your children more easily than other people?

I worry that I would be like a stranger to a child because I am like a stranger with everyone else in the world.

I am also concerned that being pregnant might freak me out in an Asperger sort of way.

SkyBar

Hi SkyBar

It's a tricky one that - having a child is a big step, as being a parent quickly takes over much of your life. I have been diagnosed with AS and Mel recently realised she has AS too, and I haven't found loving my kids hard but find relating to them and reacting appropriately to their behaviour very difficult at times. I love my three to bits but must admit the constant demands for attention, need to be organised, mess/disruption to my routines/stuff and tendency to need me when I am overloaded, or really need some time to myself, leaves me exhausted and frustrated quite often.

The likelihood of having a child who is also on the spectrum is something you need to think of in terms of how you would cope personally, I feel - our 8 year old son has AS and probably ADHD, and is very hard work from a point of view of having to accommodate his sensory sensitivities, obsessions, zooming around until the early hours of the morning, tantrums, liaising with the school to get him support.... etc etc. Don't get me wrong, he is a lovely kid, gentle, generous, highly intelligent - but very labour intensive. Understanding him is relatively easy, having the energy to deal with him 24/7 is not. Add a bright 6 year old homeschooler who also appears to have ADHD and a cranky toddler to the mix, and you can see why I am saying brace yourself.

I wouldn't swap them or wish them away, but our kids are a real handful. Kids can be a joy, and at times it is rewarding being a parent. But if only they came with a remote control... (volume, mute, pause, standby, fast forward would all be useful functions - ring a bell with anyone?)

Best of luck and I hope I haven't scared you too much - I'm sure yours will be lovely. As for being scared of babies - babies are lovely! They are fairly predictable, sleep more than you'd think (though not always when you want to, lol) and are surprisingly difficult to accidentally damage...

Dunc

Speaking as a Dad I can say that children can be very rewarding.

The difficulty I have is that I don't generally see the subtleties of their behaviour ~ My wife is always telling them off for things which I haven't even spotted.

We adopted our children and things have been very difficult at times. My wife thinks that my being AS has actually helped me cope more with their difficult behaviour ~ she says that things don't seem to affect me.

She might be right but then I don't really know how she is affected so I can't compare.

Kids are hard work but worth it- if I could make my decisions all over again I would still have all 3 of them. It can be hard when you need time on your own but you can't have it because the kids are still up, but spending time with them can be so rewarding too.

One thing that has helped me understand my kids a little better is reading parenting books and psychology books about childhood. Even if I don't agree with a big chunk of the parenting techniques (don't even get me started on controlled crying) it has helped me develop a kind of mental checklist to help me figure out why the kids are behaving in a certain way.
I personally didn't worry too much about whether on not my youngest child would have AS (before then we didn't know about it so it wasn't an issue). Knowing about it can mean that you can be more understanding and help them develop coping mechanisms if they do have AS.

As Dunc said babies are pretty easy- you have a checklist of the things that could be wrong with them and you just work your way through it. Yeah there are times when you have no idea why your baby is crying but if you know how to try comfort the baby you can feel that you are doing all you can. If you can develop a similar checklist for older children it makes things a little easier.


Mel

Yes I wanted to be a mom from childhood. I always liked little kids, usually if I did form friendships they were much younger than me or adults. I have to say I can relate a little more to my oldest son than my youngest son (we have no clue if he's on the spectrum but I do see some things there), my youngest son is so overwhelming for me especially for sensory, he always wants to cling to me and his screaming and crying hurts my ears and gives me headaches easily. I wouldn't change things though. You are who you are, children don't really understand being 'different' until usually they are exposed to others pointing it out I find. My children and I have a stronger bond than I have with anyone else, I hate to say it, even more than my bond with my parents.

Being pregnant was an experience of its own, I had two high risk pregnancies (not related to Aspergers, was only self-diagnosed in the last quarter of 2004.). Pregnancy is different for everyone and I think it eventually becomes a bit natural once you settle into knowing you're going to be responsible for another human being.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I happen to have 2 daughters who are both aspies. My husband is an undiagnosed aspie and I think I have some traits too.
AT times it is hard to parent them but it's been defintiely worth it. I wouldn't trade them for anything. The hardest part for me is to watch my 11 yr old struggle so much socially. SHe has a heart of gold and is the most caring person I know.
Ido worry about them passing on the aspie trait but would tell them to have children anyway.
Laure

Hi SkyBar,
I understand that you are concerned with passing along the "family trait" but have you also thought about the difficulty of having a neurotypical child?
I know some of us on the spectrum maybe don't give this much thought but an Autistic Parent with a neurotypical child can be quite difficult, too.

For example, my oldest son is quite neurotypical and when he was growing up, he liked to have many friends over, large birthday parties and was very active in sports and extra curricular activities in which parents were encouraged to participate in (such as Scouting, Band, etc.). Going to an amusement park rather than a museum is something a young neurotypical might wish to do and also they seem to enjoy the latest clothing and hair styles which might be something alot of Autistics do not think about on a day to day basis.

As a parent, it is important to be accepting of your childs personality even when their personality is quite different from your own. Many times, I did not want to be around alot of people at social functions but it was important to my oldest son to be there with a parent...so I just bit the bullet (so to speak) and did it. Of course, I paid the price that evening into the next morning with a splitting headache. Too bad there aren't any books out yet on survival technics for Parents on the Spectrum raising NT children - there should be - maybe I'll write one

I have a nearly-three year old daughter and I am a AS single mum. It is pretty hard going at times but I wouldn't change it. The 'baby' stage is the easy bit so far as I have experienced. It is now that she has a mind of her own that I am struggling. She is very sociable and never stops talking. It makes my brain rattle all the noise she makes. I hate the trail of disorganistaion she leaves behind her too. But there are lots of positives too. I feel I am learning some social skills from her and she has forced me to stay calmer in public. I cannot freak out when we are out and about because it will distract my attention from her. She has helped me gain more self-control, at least in public. She makes me laugh and she adores me, as I do her.

Becoming a parent is tough and being AS will add extra pressures but I wouldn't change my little girl at all.

I have five children, and am now a single mom. It has been very,very hard for me, even though the father of the younger three has custody of them more than half the time.

My oldest is very quiet and has some aspie traits.
#2 is very sociable outgoing NT. I had an extremely hard time with that kid.
#3 is very quiet, very bright little girl. She is a delight, very easy. I think she is NT but very unobtrusive and introspective.
#4 Feels very aspie to me. He has been the easiest child for me, and I feel VERY close to him.
#5 For me, this child is the worst. I love him, yes. But he is hyperactive, very very smart, meaning he can figure out how to get into almost anything! He is also very demanding of attention...I feel guilty that I want to escape from him so often.
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My advice to you:

Have just one or two. Not five.

If you can, try to have them with an aspie man so that you can relate to them. NT children are very hard to relate to, especially if they're extraverts. I do have at least two introverted NT kids though, and that actually worked out OK.

I didn't like babies either, until I had one, and I'd always wanted kids. Other people's babies looked, well, UGLY to me!! ! But pregnancy gives you nine months of having your child living in you, getting in tune with him or her. I loved all my babies.

Don't feel guilty if you need your space or can't handle it at times. What you REALLY need as an aspie mom is a very supportive partner who will step in and help you when you need a break, when you feel so overwhelmed that you'd give anything at all for the kid to shut up. If you are left at home alone all day long to mother several children, all of whom need you NOW, and then expected to be happy, cheerful, and a perfect wife when he comes home...you won't be very happy.

I wish I had had family living nearby to help me out once in awhile.

I don't see anything wrong with passing on the gene for AS. Genetic variation is necessary and good. The world needs us, even if it doesn't always seem that way.

One more thing: I also am not warm in a gooshy sense. Not even with babies. You can be an excellent, loving mom without being warm and fuzzy.

(dang...I just noticed we were logged on in mutant's name. this was chamoisee. :-p)

Hi, SkyBar! I know you said you wanted to talk to people with kids. I don't have any (I'm 17, so thank God I don't) so I can't give you any parenting advice, but my mum said there are two huge advantages to having a kid with AS: 1) You don't have to worry about them follwing the crowd or hear them say 'everybody else does it'. 2) You don't have to worry about them going to wild parties on the weekends. Don't worry about passing on an AS gene. Is life more difficult for children and teenagers with AS? Yes, probably. Is life difficult for ALL children and teenagers? Yes, DEFINITELY!

Bump

I had my children before I dx'd myself with AS. I am very bonded to them, I know them the best of anybody. When you give birth, you instinctively regard the infant as 'self'. As he is quite literally part of your own body.

Read lots of parenting books, find other moms, and check out mothering.com

I would not give up my children for anything. The younger might have AS, and I am excited that I get to raise a child so like myself. And my older may have ADHD. It's gonna be a wild ride with the two of them! ALL children have unique challenges and gifts.

i think having AS can be challenging, but i think it's challenging no matter who you are. i honestly thing when you stick a baby in the arms of a mom or dad, it's the person that matters, not whether or not they are 'typical'.
i mean. how many NT parents out there are total crap? cold, uncaring?
how many 'different' parents have turned out to be better than your average parent? sometimes their outsider perspective, if it hasn't made them bitter, can help kids see outside the stepford world.

i do want to have a child some day. based on family history, and my boyfriends family history (is probably nt with AS traits, his brothers... prolly AS) -- i kind of expect to have an AS child. and i am just as fine with that as an NT child.