I feel guilty about manipulative speech...

Post Reply New Topic

Occasionally... my wife says something like "It would be great if [description of some chore]" and I GET it... I realize she is asking me to do a thing.

And I just stare at her. I'm not EXACTLY ignoring her request... I don't do manipulative speech well... MOST of the time when she does that I don't get it at all. I smile and nod and say "Yeah, it WOULD be great if these dishes were put away." (ok... to be fair she is rarely that clear)

But sometimes, my brain grabs it and understands and yet I find myself powerless to actually respond... part confidence (I mean, I almost always get this WRONG, why would I be right now)... part ODD (damnit, she KNOWS I don't do manipulative speech well)... part <shrug> I don't know what else..

I feel a little guilty about it. Like I am technically capable, I am AWARE of what I'm supposed to do but still I can't do it...

I was just curious if anyone else has had that sort of experience.

This might be a bit similar.

What often happens to me is that someone makes a joke and I get the joke, I KNOW they are joking, but for some reason I respond literally anyway, and then people feel the need to explain to me that they were joking, even though I already knew that. No idea why I do that.

In fact, I would say it's far more common for me to respond literally to a joke that I DID get than to simply not get the joke.

I think I know what you mean. My mother tries to manipulate rather than simply ask and it drives me crazy. So if she tries to indirectly get me to do something, I will just respond to what she has literally said rather than what she intended. She'd be more likely to receive the response she wanted if she would just ask.

I also hate it when, if she does outright ask, she often adds "pretty pretty please, because I know you love me" type of phrases and while I'll still judge my response on whether or not I'd actually do her the favor, her adding manipulative words has the exact opposite affect on me than she intended. I immediately want to respond with "no" (but I don't). I don't want her thinking that crap works on me, because it more than DOESN'T work, it makes me feel like being defiant, and ticks me off. But, I try to ignore it and respond without my emotions responding for me, because it's not worth it. (Also I'm extrememly emotionally introverted, so I guess that plays a role in my not acting out against things that annoy me.) Sometimes I do respond by saying, "yes, but not because of all the extra stuff you said, but because I don't mind getting/doing (insert chore, errand, favor, etc)."

I think I know what you mean. I know the expected response, but, like the above poster said, I wouldn't want someone to think that kind of language works on me.

I prefer to teach people to ask me directly, but I don't always have the presence of mind to say this explicitly, so I occasionally end up unconsciously trying to teach them with my behavior (by not performing the expected behavior) or asking them clarifying questions to communicate that the request wasn't clear.

It can get really irritating when people infer/imply things. Just ask me "would you mind doing the dishes?" That would cover everything.

Propriety, respect, and directness.

"infer/imply"????????????

It is not either/or. One is 1000 percent wrong, and the other is a 1000 percent right.

You get irritated when folks "imply" things. You are NOT irritated when Sherlock Holmes uses his cold logic and keen powers of observation to "infer" that the butler musta done it. Or maybe you are irritated by that too, but that's not the topic.

"Implying" is the word. It means to "say things between the lines". "Infer" means to deduce something that's hidden. Including (but the word is not confined to meaning) deducing what another person is implying. Lol!
****************************************************

But I agree that folks should be upfront. Room mates sometimes agree that "whoever does the cooking the other does the kitchen clean up" or agreements like that. Sounds like there is some unhealthy passive-aggression going on in the OP's household.

Last edited by naturalplastic on 15 Sep 2017, 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Actually, believe it or not, it might NOT be your wife being manipulative. I used to have an uncle that talked the way I think you're describing----he would say, something like: "Boy, this sandwich sure would go-down alot smoother, if I had something to drink". That was HIS way of asking my aunt, for a beverage!! LOL The thing, IS, it was ALSO his way of asking, like, "gently"----so he wouldn't come-across as demanding, or come-across like he was ordering her, to do something. Don't get me wrong, I've TOTALLY seen people say things, this way, who WERE being manipulative----but, I'm just saying, there might be another reason.

I think we ASDers can be a little touchy, in this regard, sometimes (totally understandable, cuz I used to be, the same way)----no.1, cuz we've been "had", so many times (meaning, people really WERE playin' us); and, no.2, cuz we can be a little resentful, at times, I think, cuz we've asked people, point-blank, to talk to us, straight-up, and they continue to NOT do it----and, we wanna know why WE have to conform, but THEY don't; but, here's the thing..... NO NT, generally speaking, is gonna believe that we want someone to ONLY tell us things, straight-up, because THEY wouldn't want anyone doing that (NOT ALL NTs are like this)----so, when we tell them that we want to be told things, that way, they think we really don't mean it, so they continue the way they've always said things.

I HAVE had some success in attaching a rather "fierce" emotion, to when people do this----like, I might laugh and say: "Do you know how stupid you sound, when you don't ask things, point-blank?". LOL 'Course I would suggest being VERY selective regarding the person to whom you say this----or, at least, the MOOD of the person----but, it CAN help the situation, sometimes, cuz it "smacks" someone in the face (not literal), because they may not even be aware, of how they're comin'-across.

Another suggestion, would be: "No, I'm not gonna vacuum (or whatever), until you ask me, straight-up!!"----again, IMO, this "smacks" them in the face, and you can continue this way, until they oblige you.

Also, I feel it needs to be noted that when we don't tell THEM, straight-up, that we don't like it (and, WHY), and don't tell them the way we prefer to be asked, we're not any better than THEM, cuz we're doing the same thing THEY are!!

I hate indirect, passive aggressive "requests." Would you, could you, by any chance, and the like, are expressions that just irritate me.

I'm confused. Where is the manipulation?

She's directly telling that she'd appreciate it if the dishes were done, so that you might offer to do them. Or, he's sort of thinking out loud about the smooth feel of the drink so that you might grab one for him when you can. Both are stating their wishes but not putting you in the immediate position to have to say no or give an immediate reason for not doing what they want. I agree that this sort of language isn't needed all the time, but it's still directly sharing a want or a need.

--Unless, of course, it was sarcastic or irritated. Like, a tone of annoyance "It would be GREAT, IF."

Yes. Its not clearly unhealthy, or manipulative. It all depends upon context, and tone of voice, and etc.

But even so it does seem to be a symptom of domestic inefficiency and of unclear division of labor in the OP's household.

I understand why this is considered manipulative; rather than asking someone to do something directly, the speaker "beats around the bush". This is done in the name of politeness, but it certainly doesn't always come across as such!

My (tween) son really doesn't do well with this kind of thing either, or even with "can you put the dishes away?" for that matter. (In the latter case, he'll sometimes honestly answer "yes", as in, yes, I'm capable of doing that, and continue with his day without doing the thing. For him, the best thing to do is say: "The dishes need putting away so more dishes can go in the rack. Would you put the dishes away?")

People who find this kind of thing difficult or irritating may be able to solve the issue by telling the other person: "You know what? I really prefer knowing exactly what you expect from me. Please phrase requests you have in a direct, blunt manner."

Is this also manipulation:

"It would be nice if you would start helping out around the house, doing the dishes, cooking, taking out the trash than having me do all the work around here."

Good thing you don't live with me. I say those kinds of things all the time.

Well do you generally help out with chores around the house?

If you do then yeah it seems a little unnecessary to be so passive aggressive about it and you wouldn't be unreasonable in asking her to just ask instead.

But if you don't generally help out around the house she could certainly be irritated, in which case I'd say help more and its likely that will occur less.

For some people, indirect requests are the polite way to avoid being "too assertive." Sometimes I miss the message, and because no definite orders have been given, I may be forgiven for being "disobedient."
Sometimes, this is just fun. I was in a meeting for a community event, and we were adding up how many ribbons we'd need for prizes. The woman beside me spoke last, "asking" "What about the chili cook-off?" I pretended I was thinking it over, making a face and shaking my head. She slugged me gently on the shoulder, and I had a good (quiet) laugh.

Don't misunderstand... my wife ISN'T being manipulative... her language is... I'm sure there is a term for this sort of thing, but I'll use "manipulative language" to describe it until someone elucidates me. It is the "asking gently" part that is what I dislike (or alternately can't see/understand).