I don't understand..

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So today I was browsing the chat of a game I play. A new user comes in and asks various questions about the game and doesn't hear what she likes and says the game is dumb basically, she also says that she has 3 kids and is 21 and doesn't really have time for the game anyway. So another user comes in and just says various things, along withe the fact she's a bit young to be having kids. She goes absolutely ape and starts paying out this guy and arguing with the entire chat about it. So after about 20 minutes I come in and state that the national average for her country to have children is 26, so compared to the national average she is young to have kids. Just to give this guy a little support, because I thought it was a little uncalled for, her going off like that.

She mainly ignores me, but later when discussing something else and saying that I don't like kids but would never insult someone for having them. Another user calls me out and says that I am a hypocrite, because I insulted the woman with the kids earlier. When going back earlier, i explained that I never actually insulted her, I just came in to state a fact and left. But this user insists that I insulted this young mother, other people agree that I insulted her. I apologise and say that wasn't my intention. But later, when I said something about people assuming other's intention by reading in between the lines and making up something that isn't there. The user who first called me out, called me out again saying I should take my own advice. Seeing as I'd only ever said a couple of things, I couldn't figure out why i was called out this second time? If anyone can see why please tell me.

Anyway, I don't understand how I was being insulting? I don't know whether it was my autism brain not making the connection, or if I wasn't really being insulting? Social situations still confuse me, so I came here to ask for some clarification, if anyone can give some.

Thanks for reading this super long post.

I use to run in to this sort of thind when I was younger.

See, what you and I see as simply stating facts, others may find offensive.
I am sure you have heard others say that the truth hurts? This would be one of those cases. The reason why the person was offended and why other 'normal' people felt you insulted the woman was because they found the fact you brought up as offensive. Now that is on them. Normal people are strange like that.

A good rule to have is do not engage but sit back and observe the behavior of others. If the fact is warrented and it is a civil and logical conversation then go for it. If the woman gets over emotional, be aware that all her internet friends will more than likely agree with her, and they may gang up on you.

They are acting on emotion, not the logic of the facts.

You pointed out that she's an aberration.

Aberration: a departure from what is normal, usual, or expected, typically one that is unwelcome.

That's considered offensive, because it's interpreted to mean she's doing something wrong.

Probably what happened is that the fact that you gave (that people wait to have kids until age 26 in your country) was taken as an implied insult at the original poster (ie. she is too young, she shouldn't be having kids, what she did was wrong/irresponsible, etc.), and then when you said that you would not insult someone, they called you out on it and called you a hypocrite because you had already "insulted" the original poster for having kids. Basically anything you said after that to explain it wasn't believed as they just thought you were trying to be hypocritical again and trying to save face. In other words, they decided you had insulted her, and no reason or explanation would make them think otherwise, so you lost all moral ground with them.

I wouldn't worry about it though. It's in an online game platform and so should be no lasting damage to you. While I realize you were trying to explain to them that you did not mean it as an insult, but was rather stating a fact, most people's minds are not in-tune to the problems of those on the spectrum, and will only see it one way - their way - and the way that most people would interpret it.

It's the exact sort of thing that just happens on chat board and comment threads.

Some people just go into them looking for a fight and will nit-pick anything to get things started. You can argue, but that's not going to get your anywhere. Best to ignore them.

21 with 3 kids would make it seem unlikely she has time to play games, let alone arguing about them on a chat board. It may be truthful, but it also may not.

Many times I will just stay away, or get away from such conversations. However, I also enjoy mocking people or the conversation.

Part of the trouble is that you don't know how they are saying anything in chat. If someone says you insulted her, you don't know if they are angry at you, or if they are just trying to be informative. Maybe you inferred that they were angry when they were not, or they thought that you were upset when you clarified even though you were not. If someone on the other end of the conversation is getting emotional, then they read everything in that emotion. If they are angry, then they will see aggression when it is not there.

The other thing to remember is that often people say stupid things in chat just to get a response. I've had that experience while gaming. And I obsessed over it for a while, but eventually realised that there are just a lot of nitwits out there, and they are either not intelligent enough to follow a logical argument or just trying to wind people up.

And yeah 21 is young to be having kids, but it still happens. It might be that her children were not planned though, which could mean that she is extra sensitive on the subject because it is linked to a bunch of bad emotions.

My best advice if an emotionally charged conversation like that starts up, just ignore it and focus on the game, or log out and flip to another character so you can chat to different people.

My 2 cents:

1. She might have simply been overreacting. It seems like she had a bit of a dramatic flair with her reaction to what was said about the game, so her personality or maybe even just her mood right there and then might have affected her.

It also probably didn't help that she was already upset with another member.

2. As others have said, she might not have taken it lightly that you pointed out that she differs from the average and she might have thought you were implying she had made a mistake/ been irresponsible.
She might also have been annoyed because whatever the average age of having kids is in her country, is a moot point if she had them at an earlier age. It seemed like an irrelevant piece of info.

3. She might have though that you were implying that she was lying. No one likes that even if they do indeed lie.

21 isn't that young to have a kid (and biologically speaking it's a sound age to have kids), but it is young to have 3 kids.

26yo average means there is a lot of people younger than 26 having kids too - otherwise it wouldn't be an average. For example so called "average pension" in Poland is 4390,99zł but I dont know anyone earnign so much - most peope earn about 2000-3000zł. Statistics lie.

However I agree that 21 is pretty young to have children, especially 3 of them(she must have started at 18 and have a new one every year, math-wise) - it probably means she either choose the lifestyle of a housewife instead of continuing education and finding a decent job (which basically makes her feel she is called "stupid" when pointed out) or got pregnant by accident (which makes her a "slut" when pointed out). Also 3 children... 1 would be understandable but 3 means she either had triplets (s**t happens) or is having unprotected sex and popping out babies like a rabbit (which makes her "irresponsible, stupid slut" when pointed out). People often hear what I put in "" when you point out results of their life decisions/mistakes/accidents instead of what you actually said so no wonder she felt offended.

I sense that they thought you were being too "technical," and that you shouldn't quote statistics when it comes to kids. They might have thought that you were implying that she was too young to have so many kids.

Or it could be that these are "gaming people" who are itching for a fight.

For some reason, I believe it was the latter, more than the former.

That's the thing about the Internet----it seems to bring out the "worst" in people. There are more idiots on the Internet than there are in real life.

She took it that you was insulting her.

It's a clear misunderstanding.

Since the topic was a game, and not lifestyle choices, and she wasn't seeking advice about her personal life, then its not cool to express disapproval of her having three kids at 21. Even if (like me) you DID disapprove of it..

What LNH said is basically it. Just pointing out to someone that they are a statistical outlier is enough for most folks to take that as an insul. Saying "Well...according to my stats you ARE a weirdo!" doesn't usually go down well.

You could have buffered what you said with disclaimers ( said "I am not making a judgement. Just saying that it is a bit unusual for someone as young as you to have that many kids").

Sweetie, you were insulting.

It is only your opinion that she was too young to be a mother of 3 children. Some people may not agree with you and that is fine too. The mother herself probably felt attacked or hurt as a result of your post to her.

Actually, in many ways, having children at a younger age may be better as older mothers do not always fair well (they can have trouble in pregnancy and the baby can be born quite sickly).

This notion that someone whom is able to concieve is too young ot have children is ridiculous. Its moral lunacy.

After all if nature thought you too young to have children why would you be able to carry a child and give birth in the first place? Let alone go on to raise 3 children successfullly?

Its a social belief...its not nature.

You were insulting, but its ok. I am more than sure you didnt really mean to be.

^

Right.

So if you had had a baby at age 12 your parents would have been delighted?

I doubt it.

Just because you would have been biologically able to do it that would make them happy that you did it?

Give us a break.