Bad manners, Good manners

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My whole life has been centered around manners.......at 36 I feel that I may be able to be "bad mannered" without lightening striking me down. I can't possiby convey the trauma and exhileration of BEING me.......finally

1. Looking a person in the eye, shaking their hand with a firm but warm grip and the hand to the side of the other persons hand to convey equality - good manners.

2. Staring at their chin or forehead like a stunned mullet while feeling that if you look any longer you will be sick - bad manners.

Liberating.........NOT HAVING TO LOOK AT THEM AT ALL!! !! !!

1. Not butting in to other peoples conversations even if you have to sit on your hands, think about black holes, breathe like a rhinoceros, spontaneously combust - good manners

2. Finally exploding and telling them they are morons and have it all wrong - bad manners.

Liberating.......ITS MY HOUSE, I'LL SAY WHAT I WANT!! !! !

1. Nodding your head vigorously and with great ceremony , but not too much as it looks fake, when someone is discussing the merits of cleaning their gutters in a specific way, while sitting on your hands........(please refer to above coping method) - good manners.

2. Telling that person that you do not care for gutters or the way they clean them - bad manners

Liberating.........although you do concede that good gutter cleaning is the precursor to a functional and operational gutter, YOU ARE FREAKING BORED OUT OF YOUR MIND!! !! ! So, you know you care for that person, you are not an unfeeling monster and they will just have to deal with a change in topic or go home.......and if it is a stranger, just walk away......

Just my list........

Mics

So true. One of the things that really bug me is that I read about how boring we are, how we go on and on in detail about subjects we like, boring NTs to tears. But never once have I seen any understanding of how boring NTs often are to us, how dull we find their small talk and lack of depth. I keep seeing that we are occupied with issues of little importance, yet the 'experts' fail to realise that the subjects NTs are into usually are equally little important to us. Yet we’re the ones who are impolite if we don’t dance to their tune while it is perfectly okay for them to point out that we bore them.

I hate manners, I don't see the point and I hate being forced to conform to all these stupid social customs just so I'm "polite". My mum goes mad over it when I don't, but if I'm honest I don't care and have no intention of changing my actions so strangers will think I'm not rude.

those little rules can be a real pain.

Thanks everyone......

What are some manners you have adopted to get through the day?

My parents got me books as a kid on how to "win friends and influence people".........any horror stories out there?

Cheers,

Mics

I can't stand manners. Manners are forced upon us by high society.

Good manners are important to me. Maybe my reason for thinking so is different from that of other people, but maybe not.

I dislike bad manners because I feel that manners or good manners are a way of predicting social actions of others and I feel that they also are a possible guideline in how to deal with other people without messing up completely. I found that for me good manners give me the opportunity to answer when I wouldn't know what to say myself or when I wouldn't say anything due to my autism while the other person wants me to say something badly. To just give a standard response as expected for one of good manners sometimes saves me from a complicated misunderstanding or argument.

The other positive aspect that I found about good manners in my life is that despite giving a definite answer or being able to do something instead of doing nothing these standard actions and responses aren't too serious. If I later decide that I do not agree, I can still back out, because my answer was just polite and well-mannered, but not sincere and thus, not final. It was just 'an act' in a way, a line I said because the script demanded me to, but not because this is my final word on the matter.

It's like I play along, because I really don't want to be thinking and thinking about every single small thing that I find to be boring. I want to get things done instead. I also don't want to be fighting with others about things that are not that important to me, because I feel that would not leave me with enough time to get to the important things.

I am kind of comfortable with this playing along thing, because I know that I can stop playing along any time it gets serious and just think and come to a conclusion myself. That's what I mean by backing out. I am free to decide to be polite or to not polite when I think this is serious and important.

So, to make this really simple, I greet people. I don't care about greeting. It's nothing I do if I were to decide. It's just not making to me. But I do it, lots, I'm really careful about who to greet most of the time.

But I can stop it. I can just start not greeting anyone or not greeting someone I don't to greet. That's all, I don't have to stick to have good manners when I don't want to.

I do not know what people think, but from their reactions I am pretty sure that there are a lot of people who despite me trying to display good manners think I'm bad mannered. Not holding back with my opinion, just doing my thing, being out of reach of the social influences, having to stick to routines, being socially clueless, not participating normally in a conversation - it makes people gasp in shock and think I am a bold and stubborn and terribly mannered person all the same.

I decided that because I'm trying for most of the time that I'm fairly good-mannered anyway because I can't believe my autism would be able to have 'bad manners'. It's not even a living thing on its own so how could autistic behaviour point to bad manners? Just... no, I don't believe that. You can want to be good mannered, but if your autism says you can't do this now it would be pointless to call you bad mannered because you can't change or improve as is often expected of someone who gets told they are bad mannered.

The manners I adopted are mostly really basic as most don't came on their own to me as a kid. I talked about greeting already. I also didn't thank people or tell them whether and how I appreciated them until just a couple of years ago after learning about how doing it affects others.

Others good manners I try to stick to range from wishing people a good time or a good day, being really formal in written conversation and in conversations with authority, trying to smile a lot because it makes lots of people comfortable and think you think something nice about them. That last thing sounds weird maybe. A lot of people smile automatically, I do too now, but sometimes I'm so scatter-brained or focussed I forget and that makes some people question whether I don't like them. Well, I guess that too is strange, at least for me who doesn't worry.

I also try to encourage people, which proves to be more difficult than I thought to remember to do.

Compliments are a cool thing. I found lots of people don't voice them. I can think of a lot of positive things spontaneously and I like to tell people these because I think they should think of what they're good at and how amazing they are more. Society is negative these days, I don't like that impression it gives me of seeing people as things of robots that all need to function in a certain way. Individuality really gets too short sometimes.

I'm asking whether someone wants something on the phone or if they're at my house I nag them about whether they want to drink something or not. I try to think of gifts and especially of presents for birthdays and Christmas, though that's difficult for me too.

Maybe this is not what you're looking for, maybe it's too basic or something. Other things sometimes rated as good manners I've just been raised to do since forever.

Like holding back your wishes for other which I don't think is a good thing to do generally. So I guess I'm not exactly sounding a selfless person like I've been meant to by my family.

Speaking really nice to people (you like or people you don't know or don't care about much) is doing wonders for me. People that start out sounding really rough and grubby start to sound nice as far as I can tell if I try to have a cheerful and polite tone of voice. They also start to say thank me back when I thank them which I something I like because it's a small reminder of effort if someone did something difficult for someone else. I mean, if I do something for someone I think it's a way of showing respect if you actually take notice of it by saying thank you to me or feeling happy about it. I nor other people are

From all that I think the 3rd aspect I really appreciate about good manners is that for me, being autistic and all, they are a way to show respect and appreciation of others which I wouldn't know how to show without these due to my social and non-verbal impairment. I would think positive about someone and not tell or not show because of my autism if I didn't know how to do it by good manners.

But in the end, I do not see a definite demand of having good manners. It's nice in a way to have people act well mannered if they don't care at all, because it gives me a guideline to interact with them normally. But what's the point of showing respect if you don't want to or if you just don't have respect for anyone. That's one thing I really hate about manners. It kinda clouds things in a way that can make people lie to themselves about things.

I would like people to act well mannered but admit to others or themselves that it's an act, even if it's an act just right now at this moment. I value the truth in that matters. I don't like it when something is made to look the way it's not because my mind's just totally freaking out at things not being right.

I don't think anyone can be always respectful and nice either which means that good manners are not at all a fool proof thing but really difficult to accept sometimes. I know I'm not good manners all the time. I know it, it's a fault I don't mind admitting because I prefer being aware of it rather than lying to myself that I'm just always right and perfect and never overreacting and ill-tempered and stubborn and just being silly. I just wish I was always aware of being bad mannered right now to know to stop before it happens, but then that might be not normal if I were to be able to do it. Nevertheless, I would love that and I really hate not being able to do that.

And this got long. I'm kind of sorry about it, but not sorry enough to shorten it. Which makes this an example of not so good manners I guess, caring little more strongly about what I want to do than about how others feel reading this.

When I was a teenager, people would always complement my parents on what good manners I had. It's sad that people don't really teach their kids manners anymore. Temple Grandin says that she thinks part of the reason she is so sucessful is because of her strict fifties upbringing. She also knows people who would definatly be diagnosed with AS if they were kids today and that the reason they are able to keep their jobs is because they were taught manners as children. Back in Ohio, my parents have often said that the cashiers at places like McDonald's, the cashiers are so surprized when I say "May I have a McSuch&Such please?" or "May I please have a McThisorThat?" and say thank you when they give it to me. It's just become a habbit. Temple Grandin is right; parents who instil good manners in their kids seem to be rarer than rocking horse poop. I'm not saying they need to teach them fancy posh etiquette, but knowing how to say please and thank you and be considerite of others.

I'm kind of ambivalent towards manners. I suppose I'm probably more courteous than most (though I've had my moments). I was brought up that way so it's quite strongly ingrained. On the other hand, I still don't like the way it makes me bottle so many things I'd like to say and do.....I sometimes feel that the polite front isn't really me, and I often feel that the mechanical procedures of courtesy get in the way of intimacy. If all you know is my politeness, then you don't really know me.

Everybody seems on different levels with manners......some folks seem to get hurt if I utter a mild expletive, others seem to think there's something wrong with me if I don't.

Just be yourself, and you will find out and decide for yourself what is good manners, based on how you want to be treated!

I agree that what defines good and bad manners is stupid but so are a lot of things - clothing, packaged processed food, the law etc. However just because we think something is stupid it doesn't mean that we shouldn't have to do it. Having AS doesn't give us an excuse to throw away societies rules. Learning good manners will bring you good things in life, at least better things than if you don't try to learn them at all.

I don't really see those things as manners. To me, manners are

"Please", when asking someone to do something for you, or asking for something.
"Thank you" when receiving.
Holding the door open for someone who's behind you, old ladies, women with strollers and the like.
Not interrupting someone who is already speaking.
Using a fork and knife at the table, and not slopping things up like a dog.
Offering a guest a drink when they arrive in your home.
Not hanging up on people, on the phone.
Being considerate of other peoples feelings instead of just barrelling ahead without thinking.
Saying "excuse me" if you want to get by someone.
Saying "sorry" if you accidentally bump into someone.

These things are just polite. Treating others as you'd want to be treated. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I've always been extremely stubborn. I don't like being ordered about! I guess that got me into a fair bit of trouble through highschool and bullies.
So many different people have different views of what is rude and what is manner-full that it's impossible to please them all.
So many just seem completely Stupid to me!! !
Like: Elbows off the Table! Dont lick the bowl!! Don't eat that food of mine even though i don't want anymore of it. (Immediately thrown in bin instead). ooh and this one: Don't sit on the floor of this person's house that your visiting!!
I recently went to England for a holiday. Man was i bombarded with so many stupid manner behaviourals from the Brittish!!
Oh and about the sitting on the floor one... When i'm way over stressed i have to sit or even lie on the floor to try and calm down! When i'm seriously depressed, i have to lie on the floor and that sometimes lasts hours!!