Hello everyone,
I am new here; I have signed up after researching "high-functioning" (I realise it isn't classified this way) autism in females. I suspect that I am on the autistic spectrum at the milder end, at least I cannot think of another feasible explanation for my experiences of the world and the struggles they bring.
My story is a long one, but I guess it is important for context, so I will briefly talk about it...
I have struggled with mental illness ever since I was a very young child. I was diagnosed with OCD at around the age of 11, with my doctor also suspecting before this that I had OCPD. I was an extremely anxious child, my mum used to tell me I was "too sensible"; I was notably polite (although I did also say things that would catch adults by surprise, and I tended to [very stubbornly!] argue my points about how people should follow the rules of morality even before I hit 10) and crazily old-headed. I began having anxiety attacks around this time, and developed quite severe hypochondria and health anxiety, both regarding myself and other people...in response to which my OCD intensified and also became severe. Around this time came the self-harm, and my mental health just deteriorated from there. I became completely obsessed with being a good person, convinced I wasn't good enough if I didn't follow the rules without faltering, and punishing myself if I failed to follow them. I also developed obsessions around preventing myself and others becoming unwell, which further increased my self-harming behaviours. At 18, things became more serious and there were many trips to A&E and short hospital stays because of what my compulsions were doing to my body. Last year I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder), which I know is something that shares a lot of overlap with ASD. For the most part, a lot of the symptoms seemed to fit; emotional dysregulation, self-injurous behaviours, feeling empty all of the time, feeling life has no meaning, et cetera. But the fear of abandonment was never really there...I hated it and became incredibly anxious when people left me after a disagreement, but not because I was afraid of abandonment (I would be glad to be left alone!), I just hated the uncertainty...the not knowing what was coming next...I don't deal well with that.
I've been in many therapies over the years, yet something still just doesn't feel inherently "right". I don't feel like I belong here, I don't feel like I fit anywhere. I can communicate to an acceptable level; I know the rules and how to follow them...but I don't really feel it comes naturally - I am hyper-aware of myself and my actions at all times, because I feel I need to act to get by. I just feel like I'm pretending all of the time. I hate socialising; I choose to be on my own over being with friends and family 99% of the time, and it takes me days and days to recover after social events. I hate busy places, and if I don't have to leave my house I won't. Unfortunately I often have to, because I have a job and lectures to attend, but even then I only manage to pretend I can function like everyone else for so long until I fall apart and have to stay off sick because I can't carry on anymore. I don't miss people, not even my fiancee, who at the moment I never want to see (it fluctuates...it's like I manage for so long with little breaks in between, and all of a sudden I just can't do it...I stop messaging her, I find the thought of seeing her aversive even...I just completely shut myself off from everybody and I don't understand why...I just physically can't keep it up).
It's impossible to describe all the reasons I feel I am on the spectrum in one post without it turning into a thesis...but a few other points in short: I hate eye contact and struggle to maintain it, I sometimes freeze when my emotions get too much or there's too much strain on my cognition, at which point I can't respond to people when they question me, and all that helps is turning the light off and saying nothing until I "come back", I get extremely absorbed in small details, for example when I am studying for university and don't understand one tiny piece of information, I cannot move on until I understand, despite it having a very negligible impact on the overall task, and I constantly feel out of place.
*Possible trigger warning below - brief mention of suicidal thoughts*
I've reached a point where I just feel utterly helpless and hopeless. I don't feel like I am ever going to be able to function like, or keep up with, the rest of society, and in all honesty, I don't have the motivation to even want to be here, because it all just feels so false. I have had suicidal thoughts for years, but lately they are becoming more intense because I just can't go on pretending I can do all these things that are natural to others...I'm trying so hard but I always come back to this, and I don't know what else to do.
I was wondering how, for those of you who were diagnosed as adults (particularly in the UK), got diagnosed. The clinical psychologist who diagnosed me with BPD actually tested me for autism first, but I think maybe subconsciously I wasn't 100% truthful because I didn't want to accept the possibility...which I kick myself for now. Did you go through the NHS or private?
Sorry for the massive essay, and thank you so much if you got to this point.
25 Nov 2017, 6:56 pm
