Rocking - possible autistic burnout

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My mind is all fog, like I'm losing ground to stand on.
My spouse decided to take the children to my parents, so I could recover.
I can smile politely and talk philosophy. I'm so trained in it, it's just mechanical.
Inside a wave of suffering is increasing. A drawer with drugs becomes tempting. To make myself totally numb. Or even end my life.
I said to my boss, I'm ill. He knows I have some mental condition.
My spouse is working at home. Maybe better. I won't kill myself next to him. No, I don't want them to develop PTSD because of my death. It would only increase suffering.

I started rocking back and forth. I don't know why. My spouse couldn't look at this, he went to another room. I'm rocking. I know better times will come. They always come.

What is all this?

Hey Magz, don't worry about the rocking, just take a rest and recharge, and go easy on yourself.
It's not easy coping with work and family, people can understand that, even if they don't get the autism.
Hope things get better for you soon

You’re a nice lady, and valuable to your family. And your friends, and probably your boss, too.

Here’s a Wolfman Hug {{{{{{HUG}}}}}

Your description sounds very similar to my own experience of burning out - dissociation from reality, the feeling that parts of the brain have shut down, and, yes, the social "auto pilot" that unthinkingly attempts to convince the rest of the world that nothing is wrong. A huge increase in stimming is usual for me too, which is probably why you find yourself rocking. I see the dissociation and stimming as instinctive defence mechanisms, automatically trying to remove us from external forces that cause anxiety, often the anxiety of trying to keep our autistic selves hidden from the world around us.

The mechanical ability to manage polite interactions suggests that, like me, you have internalised the ability to "pass" to the extent that you are barely aware that you are doing it much of the time. I think that this can also habituate us to the stress that it causes. The stress becomes such a routine part of our lives that we don't consider it "abnormal" and would not think to ask for help with it. The "autistic defence mechanisms" that show themselves as symptoms of burn out are, I believe, partly there to warn us that we are neglecting to deal with these stresses, even though we may be barely aware of them.

The only advice I can give you would be to try and negotiate a break from work if you can, and if possible to find a person to whom you can talk where the need to "pass" is completely absent. It is good that your partner understands and has done what he can to alleviate the stress of looking after the children, but for the burn out to subside, the amount of stress that the "defence mechanisms" can dissipate has to exceed the amount of new, incoming stresses. I realise that it isn't easy to just "stop the world and get off", but I think that this is what your autistic instincts are telling you that you need to do right now, because while the dissociation lasts, the ability to deal rationally with the causes of stress can be severely impaired.

Be kind to yourself. Now is probably not the time to be pressuring yourself to find the ultimate solutions, but rather, a time to recoup your energy so that you will be able to seek those solutions later, once the ability to look at them more rationally has been restored. It may seem that just "taking a break" is a selfish action, but in my experience it is not, as being in this state for a long period can lead to long-term, treatment-resistant depression, resulting in an even worse ability to handle obligations to yourself and other people, and over a much longer period of time.

I truly sympathise with you - I know what a debilitating state it can be. But recovery will come, all the more quickly when it is realised that burn out is a warning to be heeded rather than a monster that we must exhaust ourselves fighting head-on.

Thanks to you all for your support!
I'm still rocking but my ability to think clearly is returning and the rocking seems to help with this. Also, I had to ask everybody to leave, human interactions seemed to take away the little energy I regained.
My therapist said that I just have that much strength and no drugs nor trainings would make me able to live outside of my limits. That I need help with the kids, possibly on more regular basis. I could afford it but organizing this is at the moment outside my abilities.
Thank you again for your support!

Yes, that's what I find too. I also have to remove any possibility of getting self-conscious about stimming - if I'm observed, I censor it too much for it to be effective. Where possible, I find it really helps to be clear with other people about what's going on. When I was younger, I would often have problems with other people assuming that my lack of interaction was personal to them, leading to some perplexing and unpleasant situations. They also wouldn't realise that the interaction problem doesn't relate to the difficulty of a particular subject, and that even trivial greetings or just being observed could still be overloading. Since I've started opening up about it to the people closest to me, I have less anxieties about what situation will confront me when I feel able to interact again, which makes recovery easier.

You nailed it.
This is why I lock myself in the bathroom so often (which annoys my spouse :/ )

Now rocking at work. It's just me, a computer and two collegues who know how not to interact. Not bad. Far better than caring for the children.

A rare talent indeed - I wish more people would learn it!

Oh, yes. And to leave when asked without getting offended.