Parents and favouritism

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone,

This is going to be kind of a long-ish post.

I am guessing some of you and others on the spectrum feel like their family prefers their sibling of you?

This is definitely the case for me, especially since I've reached adulthood. My parents I definitely feel like they wish I would have "grown out of my disability" so to speak. My mum was amazing to me when I was younger attending hospital appointments, fighting to get me speech therapy and learning support at school, going to meetings with my school when I was bullied. We used to be really close. Then something switched in her and I don't know why. My mum has always had a temper, from my pre teen years until I was about 15/16 she did used to dig her nails into my cheeks when she was angry with meach, my dad kicked me a few times as well. Now her lack of patience and her frustration with me is much worse. She calls me stupid and an idiot when I make mistakes, especially in the kitchen when I'm cooking. I always forget to remember how to load a dishwasher, she thinks I do it on purpose and because I cook my wife's and my dinner I struggle to multi task cooking two meals at once (I don't eat meat but she does) so I make mistakes and my mum calls those names. ..she doesn't view my NLD as a learning disability, you see...she thinks I just have social problems. I've told her my NLD affacts my learning every day but she doesnt understand. She calls me tramp too if she doesn't approve of how I dress.

I have recently just left a job where I was bullied (6 months) by my manager, I've written posts on the subject before. My manager used to discriminate against me for my NLD and get angry and frustrated with me (just like my mum I suppose) and just really intimidating and inappropiate with me. I have an ex co worker who is a witness to these bullying occurances and is going to be interviewed for an investigation against my now ex manager. There were lack of resources to do my job anyway which affected my performance, no feedback or praise from upper management and my sensory issues, especially the noise really got to me. I used to have anxiety attacks almost every day and hide away and cry but my mum for ages kept forcing me to stay even though it was making me ill. My wife told me to leave because she could see it was making me so sick and unhappy.

Anyway, my mum was very against my decision of me leaving but my sister who has a 21 year old baby and is due any day now with another baby has quit her job due to the whole company being misogynistic towards her and all the female workers and my mum is happy she's left and my brother in law has quit his job too so they can go on benefits and my mum fully supports their decision. My brother in law can't hold down a job and only works in retail which can't support two children because they pay is rubbish and now they are both unemployed for god knows how long my mum is going to send them lots of money. My parents supported me fianicially when I was at university which I am grateful for but that because they had no choice, student loans are means tested and my parents earn too much. My loan only just about covered my rent. They had to send me money for bills, food, books etc. My brother in law should want to support his wife and children financially and not quit his job but my parents don't say anything and will continue putting their hands in their pockets for them.

My sister has always bullied me. Throughout the whole Christmas period she was picking on me, making snide remarks and making me feel guilty for quitting my job and calling me lazy etc... and I cannot defend myself because my parents would take her side because she is pregnant. My sister even used to call me spastic and brain damaged. When my sister was pregnant with her first child I asked if me and my wife could babysit him when he was born and she basically said no because me or my wife could be pedos!! ! That really disgusted my wife and I. And what do my parents do? Make excuses for her.

Anyway this is the worst of all. This Christmas my brother in law started flicking the baby in the face when he wouldn't eat his food, he did it twice in fron't of the whole family and once when my wife was alone with him and my sister. My parents just sat there and did and said nothing.....they said in secret they were disgusting but they just allowed it to happen. My wife and I really wanted to say something but as always, we would be blamed. My sister just sat there emotionless while her husband flicked her baby in the face and made him cry. I got into a huge argument with my parents the day after boxing day telling them why have they not said anything to them about what my brother in law did? I told them it's abuse and it can't carry on. They just make exuses.

Anyway, a week ago today I got into an argument with my mum because I didn't like the way she was speaking to me (I have problems following verbal instructions and she was getting impatient with me) so I stuck up for myself. So dor the past week my parents have literally been ignoring me and told me they want me and my wife out and we aren't entitled to any of the money they get when they sell their flat which was meant to go towards a mortgage for me and my wife. They always threaten, always threaten to not give me the money for our mortgage and always threaten to kick me out if I disagree with them or say no to them. What really hurts is they are basically condoning what my brother in law and sister have done to the baby, they are as nice as pie to them but if I stick up for myself I get treated like a piss of xrap. I tried speaking to my mum two days ago and she told me our relationship means nothing to her....so what can I do? I am really trying to find a new job....so we can save up as quickly as we can to move out (my wife and i) I hate that I can't find suitable employment because I struggle with learning plus anxiety. I am really trying my best. I don't want to live here anymore. I am 29 in a few months and I need to get gone by the time I turn 30.

I am not being dramatic am I? I really do feel like my parents do favour my sister and they love me less. I feel like they feel like they have to love me because I'm their daughter but they are ashamed of having a daughter who has these issues. They think therapy and anti depressants are going to cure me of my NLD.

I am not entitled to council housing or any form of help from my council, so I suppose it's just a waiting game til I get anther job and save enough money because when we move i am cutting off all contact with my whole family, expect for my nan.

Any advice and thoughts would be much appreciated.

Sounds kinda horrible... I sometimes feel like my parents care about and appreciate my sisters and half sister a lot more than me, too. I think it's because I'm the only disabled one and keep needing help despite living on my own; I don't have a job now either and my income is entirely benefits. My disability is a physical one and I need help from time to time in dealing with doctors and such, as well as help in some rather basic tasks that are not performed every day. When I think of it logically, I know it's logical for my parents to be dissapointed about the fact that their daughter isn't a fully cabable adult, but when I let my feelings in to the game I start thinking that their attitude is unfair since I didn't cause my own disability with drunk driving or something but was actually born with it. My family doesn't treat me as badly as yours seems to treat you, but my point is that you're not entirely alone with the problem, tha it happens to others, too.

About your sister... whatever you do, don't blame it on her if your parents favor her over you. It's their fault, not hers. When she treats you (or someone else) badly then of course that's on her, but she's not responsible about how your parents treat you. Never think it's her fault.
As for her husband... how well do you know him? How much do you know about his old job? Have you considered that maybe, instead of just being a lazy, sorry excuse for a man he might have quit because he was mistreated at his job like you were at yours? Of course you know better than I do if that was the case or not, but do use a moment to think about it if you haven't already before judging him.

Also, don't blame your parents if they don't give you money. You have no rights to the money they have earned for themselves and they have no obligation to give any of it to you if they don't want to. In fact, I think it's natural of them to expect you to more or less play by their rules if you want their money. It's like they expect you to pay them about the money by being what they want you to be. If both sides are fine with it then all's good, but since it bothers you you need to decide which is more important for you: getting their money or being who you are.
I understand that it feels bad since they've promised (I assume from your text) the money to you, but the fact is that they don't need to use their money on you if they don't want to. It might also feel bad if they support your sister financially more than they support you, but in the end that is also their own decision and, logically thinking, none of your business. They can do what they want with their own money.

To me it sounds like it'd be best if you moved out and more or less cut ties with your family as soon as possible, but that seems to be what you're planning on doing in the first place. I suggest that you start going over the options that could speed up the process. Do you really need a house or could you rent a place for the time being? What about your wife's family, would they be able to and willing to help? If money is too much of a problem, could you move to a cheaper area or an area with more/better jobs?

I really hope that I'm not sounding rude or cruel here; I know this can come across like that but I just don't know how else to put it.

Oh I know. My folks paid for my sister to get a Bachelors Degree.....and nothing for me. I went and got an AS in Secretarial Science. Did really well and quite happy as I paid for it all.