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jimmyjazzuk
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21 Jan 2018, 11:04 am

I get really tense and my heart goes through the roof, i shake and my voice goes wobbly and i cant get my words out. I really easily lose my temper or go mute. Anyone else feel this and how do you manage it because sometimes conflict is inevitable but I would like to be able to disagree with or be upset with someone wihout the situation getting out of hand! Focussing on my breathing helps a bit but this flight or fight response is still overwhelming...



Sandpiper
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21 Jan 2018, 11:28 am

I can sympathize because you have very precisely described my own response to conflict. It doesn't even have to be anything serious. It could be something that most people probably wouldn't even consider to be conflict.

Unfortunately I can't really offer you any advice for dealing with it. Very often when I disagree with someone about something or try to express something assertively, the other person seems to react very badly. I guess that is something to do with my tone of voice and body language, neither of which I can control. If I try to respond further I very quickly lose the plot entirely and become abusive so I have found the only real option for me is to walk away.

The only other thing which works for me is if I put things in writing rather than trying to have a verbal discussion. This has worked for me quite a few times at work but obviously isn't suitable for all occasions.


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AntisocialButterfly
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21 Jan 2018, 11:37 am

I react terribly to conflict to be honest, and I think often my tone of voice can make things worse, however my main advice would be know your limits and get out of the room/house/place when its got too much. There is nothing wrong with walking away and discussing it when everyone has a level mind. NT's often don't like conflict either, and they certainly don't have the best reasoning when angry.



Ardea cinerea
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21 Jan 2018, 1:39 pm

Not in a very good way at all of late, I do loose it and hit the fight or flight response. But it is fight or flight, I am training myself flight. To step back, get some space, to not just calm down and compose myself, but analyse the situation fully before I return to it or the cycle could be repeated. I do loose my temper but a lot of conflicts and outbursts are of my own creation, from things that exist only in my head. I know these can be avoided, if only I did not bottle things up, keep things to myself. I can bottle things for weeks, months and then it only takes something small, innocent, harmless to send me over the edge. It is not right to people, kicking off like that, so avoidance is just as important to me as dealing with conflict. I am painfully shy, so it is hard, but lots of things could have been, could be avoided, if I just talked, just talk and be honest about my feelings.

When in conflict, try and think of the people you are in conflict with, think of their feelings, do not get abusive, it's not right.



jimmyjazzuk
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21 Jan 2018, 5:15 pm

Will try walking away, also tone of voice and body language are probably an isue for me as people almost always react badly when i rraise an issue



KeepOn
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21 Jan 2018, 5:20 pm

I just try to get it over with as quick as possible as I can't stand it. I always feel like I'm about to cry because I get so anxious and deeply uncomfortable. :(



Benjamin the Donkey
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21 Jan 2018, 6:22 pm

I tend to be terrible at diplomacy because for me it's either total avoidance or total war. If I'm right in an argument, I never bother with "Let's agree to disagree...." or "You have a good point, but...." I usually have facts and logic on my side (or else I wouldn't engage in the first place), but people are often driven by blind ego/id and ignore facts and logic.


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jimmyjazzuk
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22 Jan 2018, 6:10 am

Ideally id be able to cool and calmly say what is bothering me but stress takes over, mind gets jumbled and cant breathe so my voice is strained, the way i put my point across is agitated, which is never good. It makes me seem annoyed but really im just nervous! As someone said Its worse to bottle it up as that will reult in either depression or blurting something out later down the line and upseting someone. So i want to learn how to broach a subject in a mature manner!! ! I had a housemate playing guitar at 2am and while i wasnt abusive when i confronted him, the atmosphere was very bad, and he turned defiant. A lot of ego. Its not the content of what im saying its the manner in which im saying it i think...



jon85
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22 Jan 2018, 6:21 am

Sandpiper wrote:
I can sympathize because you have very precisely described my own response to conflict. It doesn't even have to be anything serious. It could be something that most people probably wouldn't even consider to be conflict.

Unfortunately I can't really offer you any advice for dealing with it. Very often when I disagree with someone about something or try to express something assertively, the other person seems to react very badly. I guess that is something to do with my tone of voice and body language, neither of which I can control. If I try to respond further I very quickly lose the plot entirely and become abusive so I have found the only real option for me is to walk away.

The only other thing which works for me is if I put things in writing rather than trying to have a verbal discussion. This has worked for me quite a few times at work but obviously isn't suitable for all occasions.


Exactly my experience also with conflict. I hate it, it's the worst part of socialising ever. I avoid it whenever possible. I just don't know how to... I mean... Nope, I'm just completely baffled!

And yeah, writing it down is much better. I'm one of those people where if the bus company pisses me off, I'm the first to be writing them an email to their customer services :lol: but if email wasn't an option, I'd just suffer in silence


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RainbowUnion
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22 Jan 2018, 1:42 pm

jimmyjazzuk wrote:
I get really tense and my heart goes through the roof, i shake and my voice goes wobbly and i cant get my words out. I really easily lose my temper or go mute. Anyone else feel this and how do you manage it because sometimes conflict is inevitable but I would like to be able to disagree with or be upset with someone wihout the situation getting out of hand! Focussing on my breathing helps a bit but this flight or fight response is still overwhelming...


Same here, esp the extreme fight or flight response and the pounding heart. I have this reaction to doctor visints, and my GP was ready to put me on high blood pressure meds until I explained the situation.


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22 Jan 2018, 8:03 pm

Run away! Run away!



wrongcitizen
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23 Jan 2018, 3:47 am

I used to have some issues with this but I think I've gotten better. I used to panic and other times I would just submit but I feel like that behavior is diminishing the more I learn about myself. At one point I would just agree with an insult someone gave me even if I didn't really agree, now I can ignore it and feel good about myself, and I don't even have to respond because I don't care about the comment enough. The same goes for any sort of dislike by random people on the street. If someone insults me I feel the pain for maybe a few seconds but then it just fades into nothing.

Physical confrontation is different. Boy have I failed to figure this one out. I get ruined when someone so much as pushes me. I'm not really sure why I'm so ultra-sensitive to physical stuff. Bring on all the insults but when you get physical I get very bothered. Hopefully I can learn to deal with this so I can't be manipulated by people again.



IntrepidKat
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24 Jan 2018, 12:53 pm

I freeze and go non-verbal. I have what feels like a panic attack, with tight chest and compressed breaths. If it's especially bad, I will disassociate or self-harm.

I try to avoid situations that may trigger this, and with age the frequency of occurrence has drastically reduced to an average of once a year.