On the topic of Autistic assessments

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I am in a weird mood right now, and I tried to post this topic and took it down. Today I finally found a place that does diagnostic tests for autism, in adults. I am fairly certain I have some form of ASD. I have spent my entire life trying to hide whatever I have, reading psychology books and analyzing how other people think, and trying to act normal. I don't think I do it that well, but okay for small periods of time, and obvious stims I can hide for the most part. When I am by myself I do very noticeable stimming, and I don't know what would be more accurate. Has anybody avoided stimming in public and then stopped? Was it a good idea? and how did you do it? Do people get upset? I don't want people to see, but in groups of people I want to do it the most, which kind of sucks. Sorry for the rant.

There's a fellow aspie in my hiking group (of non-Aspies) who stims, quite a bit, and doesn't try to stop (that I am aware of), nor do others in the group seem effected by it, or focus on it, at all. His stims are quite pronounced, so, perhaps you don't need to be as concerned as you might think. Sorry, I know this doesn't answer your inquiry.

I imagine trying to keep from stimming would highten anxiety, and, speaking for myself, it could reactivate some of my compulsions associated with OCD.

Not sure if my input can help in any way, but, nevertheless, I thought I'd mention what I am aware of.

What do you and/or the authors of the books you've been reading, consider to be 'normal', if you dont mind me asking...

Thank you for your reply. It definitely heightens anxiety, I have been obsessively thinking about this appointment all day today, I literally can’t get anything done. I really count on the thought that people wouldn’t care. It’s strange but I feel like part of what is holding me back is the lack of a diagnosis. I feel like unless I know for 100% I am autistic I shouldn’t stim, at least not where anyone knows about it.
I know for me, when I am overloaded, I have meltdowns and self-injure more if I can’t stim, and they last longer. I believe I could stay in social situations longer if I were allowed to stim.
The books I read tend to be about varying psychological disorders, predominately autism, but they don’t specify normalcy, and I know it’s relative. I define normalcy as societal expectations and standards, and I am interested in general, on perspectives and cognitive psychology. I don’t think the books specified any kind of strict rules. But knowing what society finds abnormal determines what they consider normal by default in my mind, I don’t know if that’s true. I just wish stimming wasn’t considered abnormal.
I know stimming isn’t considered normal, but fidgeting is. I have focused on trying to read people, for being uncomfortable and bored. Memorizing certain patterns of jokes, I didn’t realize I did this, till I moved away recently for the first time, and my boss made a joke that hind sight was very obvious, but because I didn’t know him, I had no idea, till thinking about it later. it continued throughout the months I was there. It feels like their are templates with certain people, which I’m sure isn’t uncommon, but books, and textbooks, kind of give a starting point. Because people I knew didn't like it (in my mind at least) if I didn't act normal. Normalcy I find as being able to read people, I seem to be able to only guess mad, happy, and sad, and according to my dad, I can’t read body language. Which is supposed to be normal ability.
Normalcy is only important to me because it seems to alienate people, which I don’t feel comfortable consistently changing my thought patterns to accommodate, but stimming is different, it’s more blatant. One time I was in a Walmart bathroom and I started stimming on the floor in the stall, I got so into it I didn’t realize two employees had come in, and they started whispering to each other, “is she autistic?” and they approached me as I tried to leave, I was humiliated, because I did not even suspect autism at the time, I was just really overwhelmed, and I didn’t want to be representing a group that I was not determined to be a part of.
The fear of diagnosis is huge though, if they tell me I am not autistic, I feel like I shouldn’t stim anymore and I don’t know how to function at that point, I barely feel like I am functioning now.
Do you think it’s cheating to stim like I do when I am at home at the assessment rather than when in public?
Thank you for that information, I am glad to hear that they don’t care. That doesn’t surprise me, it’s nice to hear an actual account that verifies it.
Sorry for the length.

So sorry. I neglected to return, here. I will read your response, now, and will reply, accordingly...

First off - this is going to be my first attempt to separate quoted text (despite 3 years of posting on the forum), so, my apologies for any, potential faux pas.

You are welcome! I hope you don't mind me answering with further questions.

Have you had your appointment, as of yet?
Why do you feel you need to have a diagnosis to justify stimming?
Are you fearful about the possibility of someone inquiring if you are on the spectrum and not understanding or, possibly judging you for stimming, if they find out you are not on the spectrum?

It is entirely possible for people who are not on the spectrum, to have the need to stim in some way, shape of form, thus, you should not feel bad, shameful or guilty for stimming, while you are not diagnosed.



Thanks for sharing what you have. I am probably, not the best person for you to speak with in terms of societal norms, or, conforming to them, as they do not effect me to any substantial degree. Perhaps, if you wish to, you could recondition your mind, or give yourself some slack. Perhaps, simply allowing yourself to stim, on demand, will ease your worries, over time. You could make it a goal of sorts, and simply practice allowing yourself to stim as necessary.



I don't manage well when it comes to 'jokes'. I rarely know if someone is joking, and I rarely get the meaning of jokes, if I do in fact know someone is joking. It used to make me extremely nervous, to be in the presence of, but, I find I don't have the capacity to even care, anymore and I will just smile and walk away from people who are joking. But, I am in no way suggesting you do the same, in case you have a job where you must, at least for the time being, must show some interest, or be present in the moment, for the sake of the impression you may need to give your boss. I cannot do that, personally. I would rather walk out, or, be let go, than attempt to work around that type of situation, or atmosphere. It takes far too much of my mental energy to engage in joking behavior, or attempt to fit in, or figure out the meaning of something that doesn't make logical sense to me. In regard to others expectations of you acting/being 'normal', I, personally, don't possess the ability, nor the desire, to become someone I am not, or change my behaviors to fit what is considered 'normal', as it goes, entirely, against who and how I am as a person, being that I am genuine and authentic in nature, and I wont even, as much as contemplate it. It is a non-issue, basically, with regard to myself. So, again, this is something best spoken about, with others who can relate to acting 'normal', if in fact you wish to converse about it, on a deeper level.



The ability to read emotions, presents in different ways, and to different degrees, in autistic people. Like you, many folks on the spectrum find it difficult to read body language. I happen to read body language and facial expressions, fairly well, and I actually, depend on both, for my ability to work out the meaning of others words and their intentions.



I am not sure that I understand what you mean by the aforementioned. If you want my input, related to it, would you mind explaining, further, if you are able to? Thank you.



Again, I don't understand why you would perceive it as cheating, if you stim, without a diagnosis. I apologize that I am unable to be of more help to you, with regard to this aspect of your issue at hand.

You never need to be sorry for the length of your posts. : )

I hope all goes well/ went well, and I wish you the best !

Thank you for responding to my post. I don't know how to do quotes at all. I have my appointment on the 12th of this month. my answer to the question "Are you fearful about the possibility of someone inquiring if you are on the spectrum and not understanding or, possibly judging you for stimming, if they find out you are not on the spectrum?" I don't really care if people don't like or judge me, but I have a parent who is an extreme hypochondriac, and I have a constant fear I will become one, and if I have a diagnosis, no one can say it's in my head, or at least I won't have to listen. When I was younger I wouldn't talk to people, and I stimmed and I didn't care, I was completely unconcerned with what others thought, I got in punished for stimming and not responding. I think after awhile I just stopped being me. Since I wrote the previous note, I have started stimming in public, not super noticebly, but I haven't been concerned, and I haven't really stopped for the last two days straight, it is insanely relaxing. I even asked my pastor at church if they would mind, and told him about my appointment, they don't care.
I was not able to stay at that job with the "boss who joked". I keep burning out, I am just going to school online right now. When people joke I get uncomfortable too. i have noticed since I started stimming frequently everything around me is even more intense and real than before, which is strange, it's like I am calmer than before but more aware of my anxiety, I don't know what to make of it.
I don't care if people don't like me, I don't want to have to pretend to be normal, I didn't realize there was another option. when you said "I happen to read body language and facial expressions, fairly well, and I actually depend on both, for my ability to work out the meaning of others words and their intentions." I read earlier today that verbal language is the least used in communication and that body language was primary, I thought it was like maybe a very small part. I am concerned, because I have almost completely ignored body language. I didn't think it was important. I'm not even sure what it is for. I can tell if someone is angry some times that's useful. But I also have made more problems by guessing and being wrong. When you said "I am not sure that I understand what you mean by the aforementioned. If you want my input, related to it, would you mind explaining, further, if you are able to? Thank you." I didn't see aforementioned judging by the quote that segment meant, I was concerned if I didn't have autism, I would negatively reflect autistic people, like I didn't have a right to blatant stimming because you can only get an autism diagnosis as a child. I did not know very much about asperger's at the time, but I was told 7 was the cut off. My problem is I had no chance for diagnosis as a child, I was not allowed outside, and only saw my mother. I was homeschooled it was an odd situation. I do remember having frequent meltdowns, and I would phase out, for really long periods that I got into a lot of trouble for.
for the "cheating" I meant because if I am not stimming in public I can supress it, which means I should, and that would change the severity rating that a pending diagnosis may have. I am not really able to suppress it, and I sometimes feel like I am going to pass out when I try, my pastor suggested not hiding it, and what you have said, makes me think it would be okay to just stim. I have almost two weeks, I am going to try and get used to stimming in front of people more obviously. I feel like at this point I don't think I can stop. The only problem with this, is I don't want to stop, and it is slowing down my homework, because I want to stim and do nothing else, and it actually hurts when I stop. Which is strange. I appreciate your responses, I feel like I can actually feel my body know, it felt more like a dream before, where I tried to stay as unconscious of my surroundings as I could, because everytime I focused I would need to stim and I wasn't allowed to. Hearing that people do it without others getting mad is very encouraging, I don't think i would have talked to my pastor as readily. One more thing, diagnosis is important to me for the reason of treatment as well, I haven't been able to hold a job, and i can't do a lot of things, and before my schooling is over I have to somehow resolve that, because I cannot function else wise, I don't have to leave the house right now, which is good for right now, except even with these low expectations I have had several issues, i had to deal with money today (rent, etc.), I don't know why but I freaked out really bad. and i can't get treatment without a diagnosis. So its not just for premissory stimming.
Thank you so much for responding to my post!

I just read my post, I apologize, I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately, I realize it is kind of all over the place and repeats itself a little, lol.

You are most welcome. Thanks for reiterating. Where I am different, is that I don't stim at will. It simply occurs as a calming mechanism, if you will. So, I am not sure we understand stimming to be the same thing. It isn't something one consciously, chooses to do, necessarily. Once I become aware that I am stimming, I am able to stop, however, I may, immediately, begin to stim, again. I would suggest doing research, specific to stimming, and, perhaps other members will be chiming in. I would, also, suggest generating a similar thread, in the 'Other Mental/Psychological Conditions' sub-forum, or do a search for other stimming related threads. If I think of anything helpful to add, I will return. Best of luck with your assessment, jadix !

I don't force myself to stim, I force myself not to, and in public I watch my body, and I will notice myself moving, but it doesn't build up to noticeable, or I will have the urge before hand, and when I relax, I stim. I know it is stimming, I have read that this is not uncommon. I will find out more at the assessment, thank you for your advice.