what if i'm not aspie?

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I think my biggest fear is allowing myself (or at least admitting to myself) that I am definitely aspie and there's no way that I cannot be... but then being told at the assessment that i'm not.

I just simply can't express enough how everything is now starting to make so much sense since i have been matching up my 'oddness' with aspergers symptoms. I have a list of all the reasons why i think i am aspie, and as i realise things, learn things, the list gets longer. I've just been sat in the office working away when a very familiar feeling washed over me when two other people were conversing amongst themselves and I was really struggling to comprehend the mood and tone between them. Was it light banter? Was it passive aggressive? And if so, at who? Hell knows, i'm just glad i wasn't part of it.

But i am so close to just saying 'i am' aspie. I am. There's so much evidence. I have been contemplating the thought for over 2 years now. But what if when i have my assessment and they decide i'm not aspie, for whatever reason? What then? When all this evidence is thrown at me to make me believe something so strongly... and then it's all lies? Am i deluding myself? Am i just looking for excuses for being a less than perfect human being?

I used to think it was ADD. And i still sort of do anyways. But i went for an assessment for that once too, but they told me i only had 'traits', not enough to warrant any professional help and was told to go away and look at 'self-help' options. Well, i'm sorry, but have you ever tried 'self-help' when you don't have the mental capability or discipline to follow through? I have been trying 'self-'help' techniques for as long as i had internet access to get to them and not a single one has been useful to me because I don't have someone there to help guide me through it. Without that, there are so many other things i will get involved in that divert me from such assistance. Forgetfulness, lack of motivation, distraction - all three of these are so hard to battle against, on their own, not to mention all at once!

The only person (outside of this forum) that I have told about my assessment and how i feel in regards aspergers is my dad (not that he was any help, or that interested tbf) and I will be discussing it with my mum this weekend. But i have told no one else, for fear of being laughed at, told i'm being stupid and told by NT's that there's no way i'm aspergers at all.

What if they're right?

If they told me after my next evaluation that I'm not autistic, it wouldn't change how messed up I am.

It would be like telling a paraplegic he's not really paralyzed, that it's all just psychological (but incurable). He's still in the same situation.

I honestly have the exact same fear. ASD is something that explains so many things from my childhood and teenage years. I spent years thinking I was dumb and caused so many scenes. I would honestly be heart broken since I would feel alone again.

I understand you want a tangible "label" to make sense of your "symptoms."

However, if it so happens that you're not "Aspie," it wouldn't be earth-shattering. You have to adjust to people and life in the same way as if it turns out that you are "Aspie." You wouldn't be "disqualified" from WrongPlanet. Many people here are in that nebulous zone between "Aspie" and "non-Aspie." Some may have autistic symptoms---but maybe not enough for the "full" diagnosis. It doesn't mean they cannot identify with one who happens to be autistic. It's not all "black and white."

This sort of diagnosis is quite subjective. One clinician might think you're Aspie as heck; whereas another might believe there's "no way" you are Aspie.

It's not so much a label i'm looking for - more that I am looking for association towards the understanding of the daily struggles i face from other people, as well as myself.

My partner in particular, he recognises that i 'function' differently, but he only see's whats on the outside - like looking at sweet wrapper and not acknowledging the kind of sweet inside. I've tried to get him to realise the depth of my problems, but he's unable to comprehend. If i had a formal diagnosis for aspergers, it would be the 'light on' that he needs to be able to see.

Without a formal diagnosis, i am struggling to access any kind of help as people don't believe i need it. I am hoping the diagnosis will direct me towards the help i need.

I guess you're looking for something for your partner to "latch onto" in order for him to understand you better.

Does this person have "issues," too, that you can "latch onto?"

he has PTSD (he won't admit it though) and social anxiety

Do you feel that you have an "equal" partnership---or do you sense that he's trying to be your "therapist" or something?

he's never tried to be a therapist to me, not at all. I'd definitely consider us both equal

That's good. That's healthy.

I wish he'd admit, more, that he has concerns, too.

That way, he will become less confused as to your concerns. He'll be able to realize that there is no "one answer" which will "clarify" things.

yeah, i wish too. He's had countless therapists throughout his life, but the second they mention PTSD, he laughs about it, then never see's them again

He's almost impossible to help. All i can do is just ensure i can provide what he needs when he needs it when he has his periods of depression. It's not easy.

IF you are not diagnosed with Aspergers you should ask the clinician why he did not diagnose you at all or diagnosed you with another condition. The answer might make sense to you. After giving his judgement some thought and you still disagree you have the right to get another opinion.

Yes. Ask the clinician why he thinks that the glove doesn't fit. I relate. Was diagnosed late in life, it was a relief to be "labeled" aspie because it explained a lot.

What is your score?
http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

The chart shows Aspie. You need a second opinion if "they" say you are not.