What am I?

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I'm literally distraught because I just don't have a clear sense of "self"... SOMETHING is for sure "wrong" with me to leave me "severely emotionally impaired" as it was described in my childhood.. "this 12 year old has the critical thinking skills of an adult but the emotions of a 3-5 year old" but define exactly what disorder or disorders are involved bothers me.

As an adult I experience highs and lows in emotion that are treated by mood stabilizers effectively... But the meltdowns are catastrophic! As a child I had seemingly "classic" ADHD symptoms paired with "classic" AS symptoms, reading old school reports are of a child that was hyperactive, impulsive, had frequent meltdowns, no social skills, obsessed with certain subjects etc... But as an adult opinions have ranged from the bipolar to the schizophrenic and regarding AS some people saying I'm very aspie to others saying I'm "too empathetic and emotional" and the female thing complicates that. Then when you get to the suggestion I might have borderline personality I get really negative looks.

I had dreams of advancing further into college past my bachelor's degree that were totally ruined by my mental health... I just want to put a name to what ruined my life.

I'm autistic and a lot of what you describe is familiar to me. I don't have the direct sense of self that neurologically normal people have - where they perceive themselves mirrored through other people, essentially a reflected "self-image". I think that's part of my social impairment and mirror neuron dysfunction due to autism. Over the years I've developed an indirect sense of self that is rewarding though, as I did well at school, at work, doing volunteering, etc. Similar to your case, I got very high marks academically and on intelligence tests, but had some behavior issues especially around other small kids, although nothing serious like fighting, but I had a lot of conflicts, tended to withdraw, sometimes act out, etc. Like you, my emotional regulation tends to hit extremes, for example I don't do well driving on highways/freeways and I need to somehow get to a town about 40 miles from here for some medical stuff and it puts me into great anxiety that occupies my mind for days now, trying to play out how taking a taxi would work if it's really cold, going to a new place I don't know, how long it takes to get a taxi, etc., etc., etc. I have PTSD and psych drugs were appealing, but I've been on many, many and they don't work for me in the long run - they either blunt me mentally or ramp up my internal mental pressure to unbearable levels (like any antidepressant). I was sort of hyperactive and would bounce around in elementary school and junior high, want to talk and joke with other kids while the teacher was talking, make drawings, want other kids to understand my special interests, etc. I've had a misdiagnosis of bipolar II (I was asked if I had periods of mental pressure and hyperarousal without experiencing positive moods by a psychiatrist who didn't have much experience with autistics and of course my response was "yes" so he said I had BPII although all previous psych docs had not diagnosed that and I've been told since then that it was a misdiagnosis). My mental/emotional integration can very definitely make me feel like two people at times (something Temple Grandin describes is not uncommon in autistics - she gives some good descriptions in her book The Autistic Brain), although I'm not schizophrenic and hearing voices or having delusions. I'm very emotionally empathetic and sensitive (I can literally feel pain in my body if I see someone getting hurt), but my cognitive empathy is poor which also is common in autistics. I don't have BPD, but my ex-wife did and I feel for people with that condition and the powerful rapidly changing feelings that drive them. It was sort of a miracle that I got through college and into graduate school and then got a minimum-wage technical job and over 38 years worked my way up to principal engineer and manager with a corner office, etc. There were many points at which I nearly blew those opportunities by drinking too much, hanging around with friends who were into bad behavior, and my first marriage was to a seriously physically abusive spouse. Three big things that helped me stay more or less on track were (1) strong messages when I was a strange nerdy kid that I could do anything other kids could do, (2) a strong internal discipline, and (3) a spiritual connection that kept me going when the world seemed dark and closing in around me. If I had to put a name to all of this it would just be autism and in my case getting pretty badly abused because of it.

My own personal theory is that I had some form of childhood bipolar mixed with an ASD but it's totally unconfirmed. The bipolar is a given in me because I've had some episodes that looked a lot like classic mania as an adult. the ASD however... I've had a couple doctors say it but said I was too high functioning to diagnose it, but I in general get such mixed reactions from friends/family and even complete strangers it's hard to figure it out. I tried to ditch the psych doc but my regular doctor was not comfortable dispensing BP meds so I have to go.