So, let me start off by saying that this post might not make the most sense, it's hard to get things out for me.
Er, so, I'm 17 I guess, just about 18, and there are certain things that I do that make me think that maybe I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum or something with sensory processing disorder, but my number one thing preventing me from really thinking that that's true is that all of this is somewhat new. Say maybe the last few years, and I didn't really have a problem as a child.
Another thing is that I don't think I have any of the social cue issues that are usually the primary "symptom" in even mild autism. Yes, I have social issues, but those are related to social anxiety and general anxiety. Oftentimes I do have some trouble with either interpreting or understanding what people mean online, but that's mostly because it's hard to tell how a sentence is meant over just text, especially with people using abbreviations and not much punctuation.
Kind of related to that, I've always been really terrible with English class and everything relating to it. I am basically incapable of analyzing anything, never been able to. Like when it comes to homework and assignments in English class. And another thing is that I'm completely worthless at trying to... use words basically. I've always been terrible at essays, quite terrible, though I would usually do a little better with stories if it was something I managed to like rather than something I wasn't really into writing. Even just explanations are disasters for me. For example, today we were doing a fun lab for our last chemistry class before break and things were great until I had to answer questions on a paper. While I knew what was happening and all that, I couldn't get anything into proper words or sentences. Same goes for verbal explanations. Occasionally speaking will be easier and sometimes writing will be easier; it really depends. All of this is not new, but I think I little harder now than before because when I was younger there was much less pressure to be as eloquent.
I've been stimming (I guess) a lot in the last few years, particularly in the last year. The only things that I can really say that I did as a type of stim when I was younger I think is that I would rub my feet together (which my dad also does), I enjoyed cuddling with my parents (they're big and squishy), and I also enjoyed rocking motions, but the rocking motions when I was younger was more along the lines of my parents gently rocking me with a hand on my shoulder, or me trying to recreate that when laying down on my side. There may have been some other things too but I'm really not sure. Or at least probably not outside of the realm of regular/neurotypical stimming, like the things I mentioned above.
Now I tend to do a lot more though. I rock back and forth or sometimes side to side, A LOT. And I'll even manage to rock when I'm standing, either by going from foot to foot or just having my torso still rock. I'll also move my torso around in a circle when I'm sitting down, usually on my bed.
I "flap" my hands, but not quite like with a flexion of the wrist back and forth, more like having the wrists bent down and then rotating or shaking them side to side, for lack of a better way of saying it. Kind of like if you're trying to shake water off your hands. Also with tensed hands and wrists I'll quickly move my forearms back and forth, kind of more in the typical "flapping", but just the forearm movement.
I will hum a low note to myself because it feels soothing and the vibrations are nice in my chest. I've also started to do a thing where I lower my head with my chin near my chest then tense up and make a grunt/groan/not really sure how to describe sounds. I also end up grunting or groaning/whining/growling in frustration a lot, without the lowering of the head, just a tensing in the chest.
I also bring my hands near my ears and hold them in fists and tense my arms. Usually in times when I'm not feeling good and I'm frustrated but I can't really do anything or say how I feel and I just have too much going on.
I really like being squeezed and held because the pressure is very even and deep. I've taken to smushing my face against my dad's too.
I bring my hands/arms up to my chest, sometimes crossed, and squeeze while also pressing my face against my hands.
I recently got an amazing plush that is the squishiest thing ever and I absolutely adore it, and I miss it when I go to school. It's fantastic to squish and also has these five bumps on its nose/head (it's an alligator) that I am constantly rubbing my hand over quickly.
There's quite a bit of fidgeting with things in my hands.
When I rock, sometimes it gets quite violent. I only let myself do this when I'm alone in my room though. It can be really forceful, or I'll sit cross-legged on my bed and then rock forward and bounce my head on the mattress. Stuff like that. I also shake my head pretty vigorously.
I've been needing to occasionally take a break from a classroom and go somewhere private and kind of just "stim everything out" for a bit, which usually involves much with hands and tensing and kind of shaking my body and making sounds.
I also read a lot of books over and over; I've realized it's because I find them comforting.
I have some issues with noise, but I'm not sure how "severe". Sometimes a silent or nearly silent room will feel really loud and hurts my ears. When there are many people talking (like in a classroom or something) then I can be okay but then it can also start bothering me a lot. I have a hard time on the bus almost every day. Part of that is being crowded with other humans and most of them being totally disrespectful and not being able to sit without someone encroaching on my seat space. It's also about noise though. Sometimes the bus makes a faint high pitched noise that I can't stand. Also sometimes people talking can bother me. What bothers me a lot though is people chewing gum or eating, and people playing music too loudly. It can be at the point that I still can't block it out with my music playing as loud as it goes. I will say that a part of that is definitely just me though, because I can get annoyed very very easily.
I do have some issues with emotions. I often feel like screaming or raging because of everything going on and just not really being able to express anything. (I never rage or destroy things, though when I'm alone I will sometimes scream into my pillow or blankets.)
Okay so, I realize this is really long. I kind of just wanted to get everything out there to sort of organize my thoughts a little and see what other people think. Obviously, a fair amount of these things can be displayed by neurotypical people too. Especially with most of this only happening in the last few years, I really don't know if it's something like autism or sensory processing disorder. Maybe it's something else entirely. I just want to see what others think. Sorry everyone.
16 Mar 2018, 1:01 am
welcome to WP 
