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Snowy Owl
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31 Mar 2018, 4:59 am

I have a bad friend with whom I'd no longer want to be friends anymore. The only reason I keep contact with them is because they take another friend by their leash and gave signals of "I have him, better treat me nicely"

He's a complete piece of s*** and I really want to cut contact with him, but while keeping the other friend as a friend

Another friend told me that sometimes compromises have to be made regarding friends. I am not sure if he's diagnosed (we never talked about it), but he may also have a diagnosis due to his behavior. Not judgmental, but questioning how much should I take the advice. Because I really do feel I need to make compromises due to my lack of friends



Spiderpig
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31 Mar 2018, 6:24 am

I’ve never had any friends at all, so what do I know? Well, I know that’s precisely one of the few kinds of crap up with which I’d never put. If your other friend can’t be bothered to stay in touch with you without the bad friend’s permission, I’d be only happy to lose all contact with both and move on with my life.


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Snowy Owl
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31 Mar 2018, 6:28 am

Oh that's not the case. I'm in touch with the good friend regardless. The bad friend is like the bad glue in all this



Ichinin
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31 Mar 2018, 6:32 am

Friends who give you grief are not friends. Get rid of them and save your energy. There is 8 billion people on the planet that could potentially be your friends.


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Skilpadde
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31 Mar 2018, 6:58 am

I would never put up with anyone I felt was bad for me. I have no problems burning bridges if needed, although my standard thing is just ghosting people, whether I dislike them or just feel being in touch with them takes too much time, is too much of a distraction. (Some people would probably be shocked if they knew just how many hours it takes me to write fairly short messages, and ultimately it's not worth what I get out of it. There are other things I'd rather do.)

Life's too short to waste on people who are wrong for me


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ToughDiamond
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31 Mar 2018, 7:31 am

I don't think I've ever held onto a friend who's gone bad, if I've known that they've gone bad. I think it's true that friendships often need compromises and work. Where to draw the line can be a hard question. But basically if the pain exceeds the pleasure then eventually I make for the exit door. With relationships I've usually been very loathe to pull the plug. Acquaintances don't usually become my friends if they're annoying me from the start, and I can't think of anybody who has significantly gone bad on me. I'm very picky in the first place about who I seriously befriend, and no doubt it accounts for my being alone so much, which is of course lonely, but hanging out with hostiles and people who don't care much about me doesn't soothe my loneliness at all, and if my status is going to be viewed as low, I'm better off alone where status has no meaning.

It's tricky when there's a friend you like who keeps bringing somebody you don't like into the picture. A long time ago I found I wasn't getting on with my (then) wife's parents, to say the least. In the end I reluctantly told her that I didn't want them around me any more. I wish I'd been really brave and challenged them with constructive criticism about their behaviour, but I felt so threatened when they started offending me that I couldn't think straight, and in those days I didn't have the social vocabulary to accurately point out what it was that I objected to. And they were pretty much set in their overbearing ways. My wife tried to influence them once, her father said "point taken" but reverted to type almost immediately. I like the idea of resolving conflict through talking, but I suspect that most of the time people don't change much.



neilson_wheels
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31 Mar 2018, 7:47 am

In response to the OP question, No I do not tolerate bad friends.

Any relationship with other people will often need some degree of compromise, what you need to decide on, is how far you are willing to compromise.



Benjamin the Donkey
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31 Mar 2018, 8:19 am

After some bad experiences in my youth, past the age of 30 or so I had a zero-tolerance policy with "bad" friends. This was maybe too strict, but it kept my from being taken advantage like when I was younger.


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IstominFan
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31 Mar 2018, 9:18 am

The friends I have now are all nice people. I did have a friend years ago who was a real user. I am glad I don't have any association with her anymore.



AceofPens
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31 Mar 2018, 10:04 am

I don't mind bad friends, but that's because the act of socializing fills different needs for me. I don't really have any desire (or apparent capability) to form real relationships with people. Socializing is simply an opportunity to gain new insight or knowledge, so I choose my friends and acquaintances based on, I suppose, how "interesting" they are, either through their character or practical knowledge. I've known some terrible people, but I enjoyed their company because they provided me with opportunities to learn something new. The worst people can actually be the most instructive in some ways.

That said, I wouldn't advise you to stick with a friendship that places you in a position to be manipulated or mistreated. What you desire in seeking out friendship is a source of human bonding, I suppose, and that's obviously not being fulfilled in this situation. It's a deeply ingrained human need, so it's understandable that you're willing to compromise in order to fill it. I'd even say that it's a perfectly reasonable approach to friendship - compromise is almost always necessary in some form. But in this case, it's not really a compromise at all. In a compromise, both parties gain something from the interaction, but you're not actually getting anything out of this relationship. There's no tie between you and this guy, and bodies alone don't count towards friendship. Better to cultivate fewer real ties than to waste time and energy keeping up false friendships - your real friendships will only be weakened as a result.


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CockneyRebel
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31 Mar 2018, 10:16 pm

I stuck with a bad friend for three months, 8 years ago. She told me not to phone her anymore. That was the best day of my life. I haven't had anything to do with that person since that day.


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teksla
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01 Apr 2018, 8:36 am

Currently I have some friends whom I am considering if i still should be friends with.

They have some pretty destructive behaviours (drinking, ignoring their issues, etc.) and don't seem to be too interested in me.
They have not been actively supportive with my mental health issues (depression/anxiety) and some of them hold some inaccurate views on depression and other issues (mental, developmental or other).

I don't know. I suppose it feels better to have some friends vs not having any friends, even if they aren't "true" friends.


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TheSilentOne
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02 Apr 2018, 1:38 pm

I'm having a problem with somebody I once considered my best friend. She has changed, and not for the better. She is saying and doing things that she shouldn't be saying/doing and she regularly puts me and my opinions down to make herself feel better and I feel miserable after I talk to her every time. It's like our "friendship" is a bad habit because we have known each other for over 10 years and I have had her in my life for so long. Right now, I've gone a little over a week without talking to her, I think that's a new record. One day at a time. I think I'd rather be alone right now than continue living this way.


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