Aspie brother looks homeless

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Both my older brother and I have ASD, his symptoms are much more obvious than mine but he is undiagnosed

My older brother is 30. He's never had a girlfriend, has no friends, barely keeps in touch with family but will attend events a few times a year when we invite him. Problem is, even when he does attend, he looks and smells like a homeless person.

He has a job but I honestly don't know how he managed to find employment full-time because he doesn't really groom his unkept hair/facial hair, rarely gets a haircut, rarely smiles (usually scowls or looks uncomfortable). He wears faded, poorly fitting clothes that have holes in them and may be covered in layers of dirt and stains. He often smells like either he or his clothes haven't be washed in a while

I talked to him about it a few years ago after he turned up to Christmas smelling rank and wearing a decades-old hand-me-down jacket that, once beige, had turned dark brown from wear and tear and had obviously never been washed. I kept asking him if he'd let me take him shopping for new clothes, and after he kept saying no, I eventually said quite bluntly, "I don't mean to be horrible but you look and smell homeless in that". At the time, he replied a bit angrily that it's his choice whether to care about clothing. He told our younger brother about it a year later so obviously it stayed with him and bothered him. However, not much has changed (except we never see that jacket anymore)

I probably sound shallow but I want the best for my brother. Our parents aren't around and I'd like him to have more social support as we get older. There's always a slight fear in the back of my mind that he could commit suicide one day and we'd never really have gotten a chance to intervene, he is terribly isolated and never reaches out to us. I don't think he has anyone at all.

I feel like if he cared more about his appearance, he might have more confidence to make a few friends and maybe get a girlfriend (or boyfriend) one day. People would be more receptive to him if he smelled and looked presentable.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to get through to him?

I'll be buying him a few new shirts/jumpers for when I see him next weekend, but I'm not sure if he'll even wear them

Have you asked him why he presents himself as he does? Maybe he doesn't want people to get too close to him, so he doesn't wash and groom himself. I'm Transgender and Gay and I don't want guys to get too close to me, so I wear one of my three German helmets - 1 self-made, 1 toy and or the real one - on any given day.

It could actually be dangerous to his health to be so dirty.

I hope he embraces the clothes you bought him.

I, myself, used to be an unkempt person----until I discovered how GOOD being clean really feels.

unless you have the authority to fire, flunk, evict, or dump your brother, or something like that, you have no control over his appearance.

your brother is 30 years old, as you said.

and you are younger.

whatever reason your brother looks the way he does, has been going on for a long time.

way too often, someone is superficial, judgmental, materialistic. they laugh at my clothes (holes in polo shirt), shoes, hair, and et cetera.

but maybe

it is what is on the inside that matters.

okay?

you claim you have good intentions.

and i am sure you do.

however, not all good intentions lead to successful outcomes.

It sounds like he prefers his own company. What was he like as a kid and teen, was he any differnt? How often do you reach out to him, since he's not into initiating? Lots of times autism means lack of self awareness. Meaning he doesn't know or care how he appears to others. He might need you to look after him, getting him clothes and to a barber or whatever. I still live at home, so I wear what is bought for me. But my parents pretty much have to force me to take a shower and wear clean clothes.

I have shaggy long hair because I hate getting haircuts or even having my hair brushed. And I'm developing a scruffy beard because I hate shaving or being shaved. I'm more comfortable being scruffy. I like wearing the same clothes all the time because they are more comfortable than new clothes. I prefer to be alone as much as possible. But I'm not miserable or lonely. But still I like knowing my family loves and supports me. Even though I'm not capable of showing affection.

I think I understand your problem. It's difficult. My son does wash his clothes but he wont throw them out if they get problems like holes in them. He lives overseas so I don't see him often and the time before last when I visited I realised he was wearing shoes that were falling to bits and socks with holes. To his horror I went through his underwear drawer and he didn't have a single pair of jocks or socks that weren't falling to bits. I bought him new stuff and it caused a lot of friction between us but he lives in a country where people often have to take their shoes off and I told him bluntly people would think less of him if they saw holes in his socks so he grudgingly accepted them. He would not co-operate with trying on shoes so I just guessed his size and hoped they fitted.

He hates shopping and always has. Shopping centres are overwhelming places with too much sensory input. He also has very strict ideas about clothes. He will not wear anything with a pattern, picture or logo on it. When he was young it was a nightmare. Kids shirts always, always, always have pictures and or patterns. He has limited colours he will wear. Blue, red and pink are acceptable but he wont wear green, brown, black or grey. He also has a lot of textures he can't cope with. He might quite like something until he touches it then it's just a 'No!'

My Uncle has clothes trouble too. He understands there is such a thing as fashion but he doesn't know how to apply the idea. He could wear check trousers and a paisley shirt and he would understand people were staring at him because his clothes were wrong but not be able to identify what was wrong with them. My Mum used to make up outfits for him. She would put a pair of trousers, two shirts, a jumper and a jacket together on a hanger. She would label the hangers with work, weekend or going out to dinner. He would keep all the outfits together on their hangers. She still had to keep an eye on him because he would wear them until the cuffs were frayed or buttons had fallen off. Mum's dead now and I do worry how my Uncle is going but he lives in another state and it would be too weird if I turned up and went through his wardrobe.

Despite their sartorial impairment, they are both brilliant and successful people. It's been said clothes are superficial, it's what's inside that counts and that's sort of true but there are societal expectations in relation to clothing. Associate Professors and Lawyers are expected to wear clothes without holes and it could cause them problems if they didn't.
I think trying to find out exactly why your brother is doing what he does is probably important. Maybe then you can find a way to address the issue. Good luck.

I think you should let him dress and groom as he pleases, if as you say he is holding down a job. Some jobs allow one to be rather shoddy in appearance.

Keep inviting him to family functions, but if his odor offends you, you can instruct him that he must bathe and come in clean clothes.

Sometimes we Aspies bite off more than we can chew in trying to intervene in a loved one's affairs, to our detriment and the other person's, as well.

This is a rather embarrassing to admit, but I would fit the description of honeymiel's brother or bunnyb's son very well, and it has led to problems with people that I've shared accommodation with and employers in the past.

Depression is definitely a factor, both in the sense of becoming apathetic about it and that it brings out the worst in my executive functioning problems, but I think it would be a mistake to blame it entirely on poor self-esteem. There is definitely a sense in which I fail to comprehend the importance of it unless I give it some very conscious attention. In the absence of any external reminders, only the most basic of requirements for dressing/grooming really pop into my head - the pure physical need to be warm enough and protected from the elements. It's as if I'm not even aware of dressing myself, very often, and the same set of clothes will be picked up from wherever I put them the day before without any thought of how long I have been wearing the same ones, or whether the clothes or my body are smelly.

It's kind of the same thing when it comes to the state of my clothes. Hating shopping is certainly one aspect, but again, so long as any holes, tears, stains etc. don't make the clothes uncomfortable or let in the cold too much, it simply doesn't occur to me that there's any problem, or that anyone else would have a problem with it if they were dressed similarly. I have a couple of very good friends who are very honest with me when I am "letting myself go", and no matter how many times they prompt me, it catches me by surprise every time (I am not offended by them doing this, and actually wish that people would be this honest more often instead of being "polite".)

Honest feedback about the effect which it has on the people around me does usually result in an improvement, but I generally revert to my usual shabby self without the reminders, or if I spend any amount of time without company. I'm not sure any of that helps you at all, they are rather spur of the moment thoughts, and I'm not sure I understand my own behaviour in this regard very well.

Smell is my absolute worst sensory trigger. I have seen patrons coming into the library dressed shabbily and absolutely reeking! It makes me almost throw up. I feel for you.

I'm homeless. I only have one pair of shoes, one pair of pants, a few underwears, one t-shirt and a hooded camouflage sweater. No one has ever complained about odors in regards to me. Life is simpler this way, for sure.