Backing away from the edge of a meltdown

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Hello all. My story is a long one, but here is the short version. I was a "problem child", but survived and apparently blocked a lot of the memories. My oldest son and I have always had a close relationship with several professionals taking notice. I have always seen a lot of me in him. Last year he was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, and later with ASD. OK, we got this (I think.) My wife hinted at me being on the spectrum which I shrugged off. Then one particularly stressful day I found myself pacing, holding my ears, and on the verge of screaming. At that moment I re-lived a flood of childhood memories complete with memories of several meltdowns. I realized that I was on the edge of one. They were scary when I was a child, and the thought of having one now terrifies me. Things calmed down a bit, and I did some exploring on the web. Every self-help test that I took placed me well on the spectrum. The stress of life is beginning to ramp up again. I find myself far more sensitive to my environment, especially noise and stimming far more than I recall doing as a child. The last few days I feel on the edge of a meltdown, especially tonight. Aside from hiding in a cave, what can help with getting off the edge?

Okay, if hiding in a cave is definitely out...
maybe see if there are particular stressors you can avoid?
And I recommend going for walks, I do lots of long walks.
Plenty of sleep helps a lot, too.
Sorry, that's all I've got.

Sometimes, logic can tell me that a threat is probably not significant, but for general anxiety meditation seems to be my best friend. I try to apply it when it is easier to find the time, and it works somewhat like a good sleep to make things easier to handle. There are a thousand "best" kinds of meditation; I finally settled on one I made up because that comes most naturally for me. Once there is some effective experience built up, just taking a couple of deep breaths during a busy time can bring back some of the calm.

Doing push-ups, rapping, sitting in an imaginary chair, lifting heavy things.... basically anything that requires a lot of physical effort, but little mental effort.

For me, walking is the best thing. The faster the better. I think it’s a kind of flight response. I have been known to walk for hours. As I get tired I slow down and my emotions will generally subside too. It doesn’t always work but it is the most likely way for me to avoid a full blown disaster episode and so long as I’m walking, I’m not driving which I know could be a very bad thing to do when I’m really worked up.

If things are not too close to the edge but I feel myself heading that way, I can get lost in music. I put a song I like on a loop and listen to it for a few hours. I find that very soothing but it’s not for everyone.

I second music and walking, ideally in combination, somewhere big and open with few things to navigate round.

I might know a little of how you feel. My daughter was diagnosed this past February after she had a period of burn out. I am realising I am most likely also autistic. I also find myself stimming a lot more but I am not sure if it is just that I am now aware of it more. It is a really full on thing physically and mentally to internalise as well as continuing to be a parent to a (potentially) high needs child. It is exhausting. Try and take good care of yourself. Make sure you eat well, get as much sleep as you can and give yourself as much time as possible to process everything.

It helps me to think nothing has changed, everything is still the same, it was always there like a red thread through my life, it is just that now it might have a name, that there are other people who have similar issues and they can help me by being a community with me and by sharing coping strategies that worked for them and simply by being further along the road than me in working all this out and giving me a helping hand.

Thank you for the replies. I am no stranger to repeating the same song over and over, sometimes it is the same song for months. As for stimming, I did not know what it was until last year. I do remember the audio/visual and finger movements, and being told to stop fidgeting ALOT. Things have calmed a bit now, but I am pretty sure that it will not take much to get me on the edge again.

You sound to me like you would probably benefit from getting professionally evaluated. At a minimum, you have reason enough to seek an answer.

One benefit of a professional diagnosis is there are things you defensively or incidentally avoid seeing in yourself; there are other things you may see, but interpret incorrectly.

As for the sense of being on the edge of a meltdown, do you have any vacation time you could take, or a mental health day now and then - to just go off and be on your own for a while? I was very far along in life before I started taking mental health days (just calling in sick because I hadn't slept at all the night before, etc.), although I always did try to take vacation. This stuff is really important, it can make all the difference between a nervous breakdown and continuing to cope with life.

Best of luck.

Please beware of "a professional diagnosis." My counsellor retired last year, and set me up with the much better of the two who were available after that. I kept 5 appointments and quit in frustration. That was after filtering out the majority, who are given bonuses for writing addictive prescriptions of very dubious value, since the companies lie about the research. There are helpful professionals, but it generally isn't because of their training.

When I hear the word "counselor" I am already sure this is not someone who should be diagnosing autism (there may be exceptions, but few). A diagnosis should only come from a psychiatrist (M.D. or D.O. board certified in psychiatry) or a psychologist (Ph.D., Psy.D., or occasionally Ed.D. or EdPsych degree), with ADDITIONAL experience in autism, and in a case like this, ADULT autism.

There are many great counselors out there (MSW, LCSW, MA or MS, etc.) and they can often be helpful. But buyer beware - you need to ascertain if this is the right person to work with. The above credentials (MSW etc) do not have any ability to prescribe, at least in the US.

The wrong background in any treating professional can lead to great harm. Unfortunately, many counselors are not aware of the issues in autism and can cause anything from frustration to complete demoralization.

I don't think there is any reliable credential for ASD. The great advantage of my good counsellor was that she had little enough formal education that she was still allowed to say "I don't know." She was more like a research assistant than a voice of authority. I have had interviews with several Psychiatrists, and they all formed strong opinions despite large gaps in the evidence supporting them.
Many professionals just stumble through life by doing what worked on someone who they are reminded of, and those I have learned to run from.

^^ My three experiences with psychiatry / psychologists have all been abysmal. The first one was just highly unprofessional and put ideas in my head that were not there before and I was young and vulnerable. The second diagnosed me with ptsd over the phone. I did not have ptsd. The third accused me of being a psychologist myself, out to “check” on her. It might have been bad luck but I certainly am not trying my luck again.

This is not meant to dissuade people, I am sure there are great therapist out there.

^^ That third one sounds like a real dilly! Even if they were not paranoid about supervision, it would be really stupid to frustrate the supervisor.

I can’t even begin to describe how insane she was. I had also just gone though (by fairly universal standards) an extremely distressing experience, and she was cold as ice and kept asking me why I was using such technical psychology language (I am not a psychologist, in fact I really don’t like psychology and have only ever read r.d. Lang) and then concluded I must be a psychologist myself. She charged me for the session and said she couldn’t work with me again.

I only went to see her because I wanted someone to help me gain better access to the memory of the distressing event in order to process it better. In the end I contacted the minister who married me and asked her to help me. She did and it was fine, I am not at all religious but at least I knew she wasn’t insane.

Yes, I have thought of getting evaluated. Unfortunately my health plan does not have a lot to offer in the way of mental health providers. The few that I have contacted did not profess any experience with ASD. I may have to explore out of network providers, but that gets expensive real quick. I am going to try to get what records I can from my youth. Maybe that will shed some light on things. As a kid I was never told what was wrong with me, just that I needed to get better.

Have a frank conversation with your doctor. If you have a medical need for a service that your in-network professionals cannot do properly, the insurer pretty much has to provide it as an out-of-network referral. This is what I did and this is what was done when my daughter was diagnosed.