I was "normal" before?

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Ok so I couldn't think of a good subject line to describe what I mean, so this reauires a little bit of explination:

Before I discovered that I have AS, I thought that everyone thought, acted and felt the same way that I do. After I found out about my Aspergers and started to look back through my life and my day-to-day experience the symptoms became so obvious that it was almost laughable that I never noticed anything before. Kind of like an ongoing, "could'a had a V8," moment.

This got me thinking about if anyone else was the same way. Before you got diagnosed with, or realized you had, AS/ASD did you think you were NT and that everyone was like you in respect of the way that you think act or feel on a day to day basis? Or did you know that something was off?

Me personaly, I had an odd moment here and there of feeling that I was somehow different, but nothing that would make me suspect that I had Autism.

I don't think I used to think I was "Normal". I've always felt kind of different, and can even recall having this weird idea that I was an alien here to learn what it was like to be human and report back on it, and that I was almost, but not quite, able to do it. Maybe "Wrong planet" is the right term after all.

One aspect, though, where I really thought I was "Normal", was Aphantasia (the inability to picture things in my mind). I can recall, in grade 2, the teacher telling us to close our eyes and picture something, and being frustrated that I couldn't do it. Then, I quickly decided that I wasn't supposed to be literally picturing it, but more imagining it without getting a picture, and I was more happy with that - I just assumed that everyone was imaging something without actually seeing a picture.

Then, a few months after my ASD diagnosis, I saw a forum post here on WrongPlanet about Aphantasia. I answered the poll saying that no, I didn't have it, and even did an online test saying that yes, I could picture things. But after several more posts on that thread, I gradually became convinced that, in fact, the majority of people literally do close their eyes and see a picture in their mind of whatever they are imagining.

At that point, I redid the online test interpreting the the questions much more literally and and now self-diagnosed with Aphantasia in addition to my official diagnosis of ASD.

I actually thought that I was mentally challenged until I was told about my having HFA at the age of 15.

I found out I have AS only about a week ago. I'm still running through all the memories. It's almost like I'm downloading the thought of "this is because of the AS" into my memories. And it all really does seem so obvious now but back then the reason why I acted different was because "bad socialization" or "bad day" and mostly my favorite "I just want to be doing something else." I thought I was normal... just didn't have congruent feelings with the others around me. I was quarky and the small ticks I had was because I wanted to make others laugh like a comedic effect. I was just a temperamental child in crowded areas and wanted to insult my mother by wanting to leave an event I didn't feel comfortable at. WELL, scratch all that now. It's just simply because I was an aspie. I've been walking around with a blown mind for a week now.

I knew I was a weirdo in some respects but I never even fathomed other people don't have sensory issues, executive dysfunction, got overwhelmed by socialisation etc. Getting a diagnosis really took a weight off my shoulders because before then I thought I was just really sh*t at everything that everyone else coped with fine.

I always knew I was different but I was not aware of how much different and in some cases in which areas I am different.

I seemed to be a normal and social child before I began kindergarten. My deficiencies in social development were exposed. I always felt different from the time I could remember, even though I did well in school academically.

I thought i was very introverted and shy.

I was always in my own little world. I didn't make friends at school and kids called me outer space. My mother used to get mad at me for being uncommunicative and laying around staring into space. People called me timid, pathetic, stupid, and not playing with a full deck.
In high school a psychologist come to the school to talk to me, but that was back in the early 60's and who knows what they thought back then.

I didn't think of myself as autistic, but i remember being in a bookstore and seeing a book about autism not being caused by bad mothering and i thought to myself, that lets my mother off the hook.
Or i'd see a magazine article about autism and i'd think it was about me, but it was only at those times that it ever entered my mind, the rest of the time i didn't think i was autistic, i never thought about it at all. I know that's weird, but i can't explain it. It's like it was in my mind but i wasn't fully conscious of it.

I always thought i would eventually have a husband and a normal life, like i was waiting for my life to begin but it never did. I settled for less, let people use me, didn't care if i was bullied or made fun of. I was used to it and it didn't matter to me.

It wasn't until i heard someone call me autistic that i seriously gave it any thought and when i read about the restrictive and repetitive behaviors i knew it wasn't just introversersion.
I didn't know that eye contact was important but i'v been told to do it on job interviews. But i forget to even look at people when i talk to them.
I have motor stereotypies and meltdowns and sensetivies and i peseverate and have been made fun of for those things. but i didn't know that was part of autism and didn't think there was anything wrong with me.
It's like my whole life experience was autistic and i wasn't fully aware of it

I guess you could say I went through many troubles because of my undiagnosed autism.

It is strange to think about this right now but... It seem to me all this years i was trying to stay away from people, it must have put me in bad positions , i was even hating other people.

*

The worst is I didnt question my normality anyway! Isnt strange, maybe i forget to ask myself such question even when there was such problems...

Maybe my thinking ability was not working yet, like i was still stupid , more so then certain peoples. I think well these day , that is the worst of it...

I knew I was different than other kids but always figured it was bad luck. I also figured it was due to my language issues and then at age ten I realized I had more going on than just language because there were plenty of my kids in school who were also in speech therapy and they were still normal. I also thought adults and other kids were just stupid if I got in trouble for things I had no control over. I played with kids younger than me because they were easier to be with and I found other kids my age hard to be with. My mom would get mad at me about that and I couldn't get her to understand kids my age don't want to do things I want to do and all they want to do is just talk. I also struggled in assignments like free writing or journaling because I never knew what to write about.That was because my brain doesn't work that way.

All of my friends were either older or younger than I was, but I had no friends in my own class at school. I got along with older students because they were more serious and studious than those in my own grade and with younger ones because they were nicer to me.

I never really thought that I was "normal" before my diagnosis, but I never knew how severe I actually was until my Autism was discovered and I started researching it and eventually got diagnosed. It is only during this research time that I started understanding what neurotypical vs Autistic behaviors, processing, and responses to stimuli are really like and that is where I saw how different I am from the being NT. For example, I have no social awareness.

Before I knew what social awareness actually meant, I did not know that I did not have any. All I knew is that I had tons of misunderstandings with communication all the time. I had no idea that that was an Autism thing. I did not know it was a thing. I just knew that I got into a lot of verbal altercations. I did not know that meltdowns were not a "normal" thing. I did not think about whether other people were having them or not. It never crossed my mind to wonder about whether other people were having or not having meltdowns or shutdowns. All I knew is that whenever I had one, I was having it. So a lot of my behaviors and issues were not things that I really even thought about until I started researching Autism. When I started learning about Autism and Misophonia, which I also have, that is when I became aware of the specific ways that I am different. Before I just had this general understanding that I was different but now I know specifically how and why. And other people who know me well have also pointed out to me things that I never knew that I actually did which also are very Autistic behaviors and thought patterns. So, yeah, I never thought I was quite normal but I never knew how severely Autistic I actually am until very recently.