Impaired vision during shutdowns
I've read many accounts of shutdowns, but no one's ever described it as going semi-blind, so I'm wondering if others experience this and, if so, how they cope with it. When it happens, my vision doesn't blur, but the details drain out of everything. My sight is reduced to shapes and outlines. I could look at a face and be unable to pick out features, seeing only vague lines and shadows, for example. Shadows or contrasts in light actually become very prominent when it occurs. Colors become darkened and reddened, or perhaps it's just easier for me to pick out those colors in my line of vision. I'm not sure how I could describe it better than that, except to say that it's a bit like impressionist paintings, except that the darkly colored outlines remain quite sharp. A very good idea of what it looks like is Bal du moulin de la Galette, except that, like I said, dark outlines are vivid, and blacks/reds/browns are more prominent, as opposed to the blue in the painting.
I've been lucky in the past; I can avoid shutdowns by bolting when I sense one coming on, and I usually have that option. On the rare occasions that I haven't, I've been with family members and was able to ask them for help. As soon as I'm away from the sensory input (usually bright lights and visually chaotic areas), my vision returns to normal, like someone has turned up the contrast again. I'm not going to have that option forever, though. Does anyone have any ideas for coping? I'm absolutely terrified of going anywhere on my own for fear that it will happen and I'll be left stumbling around for an exit.
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I have not the kind affections of a pigeon. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I could not describe precisely how I see when I have a meltdown, I cry a lot, breathe quickly and the surroundings is far away, I'm not there, I'm inside, so in a way "blind".
I'm impressed you can describe it so precisely. Maybe it means you have a kind of control on it.
I have had meltdowns in front of people I know in places you should really not have one... After the meltdown, you think you lost completely any credibility. But actually, it is not really true, people are afraid on the moment of the meltdown. After the meltdown, people are still a bit afraid, I'm sure there are some good gossips, some good-hearted come and want (really) to make you feel better and someone usually advises you a psychological treatment.
And finally, life continues just the same.
OP, that is really fascinating. In a shutdown my vision sometimes, especially if I am outside, becomes super acute and focused and sharp. I usually do an involuntary visual stim on something very focused like tree bark of blades of grass or someone's hair or the colors in a rock when I am in shutdown mode. I can see everything but the one detail I am stimming on takes precedence over everything else and I become very animalistic and primitive and just intensely focus on that one detail. If I am inside and there is nothing beautiful to visually stim on, like if nothing grabs my attention then I focus on nothing. I can still see but I can't focus on anything and just kind of have a mental collapse without the outward manifestation of a meltdown.
I think what happens to you might be similar to what happens to me when I go unresponsive or semi catatonic or nonverbal. My brain has to shut down certain body systems when it is too overwhelmed and has to focus on specific things because it doesn't have enough energy to keep everything in the body functioning in that moment. So it picks and chooses what is most important to keep functioning. Your brain shuts your vision down. My brain shuts down speech or the connection with movement volition and when I loae movement I have already lost speech as well. And when they come back, speech comes back last.
I don't lose actual vision but there are times when I cannot open my eyes. And there are times where I see but there is a disconnect and I cannot fully understand what I am seeing.
_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."
Wreck It Ralph
I'm impressed you can describe it so precisely. Maybe it means you have a kind of control on it.
I have had meltdowns in front of people I know in places you should really not have one... After the meltdown, you think you lost completely any credibility. But actually, it is not really true, people are afraid on the moment of the meltdown. After the meltdown, people are still a bit afraid, I'm sure there are some good gossips, some good-hearted come and want (really) to make you feel better and someone usually advises you a psychological treatment.
And finally, life continues just the same.
That's something that really separates my experiences from others that I've read about - most people describe a disconnect, but I don't feel disconnected from reality and neither do I lose control of myself or my emotions as in a meltdown. When I become overwhelmed with sensory input, I remain entirely in control and in the moment. My train of thought is calm, even if I'm nervous or upset, and I can maintain my composure indefinitely, although I'm internally frantic to escape. Losing my sight seems to be my coping method instead of an outward display or emotional withdrawal. I wonder if I was to attempt to find a physical or emotional outlet during these occurances, I might be able to prevent the loss of sight entirely.
_________________
I have not the kind affections of a pigeon. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think what happens to you might be similar to what happens to me when I go unresponsive or semi catatonic or nonverbal. My brain has to shut down certain body systems when it is too overwhelmed and has to focus on specific things because it doesn't have enough energy to keep everything in the body functioning in that moment. So it picks and chooses what is most important to keep functioning. Your brain shuts your vision down. My brain shuts down speech or the connection with movement volition and when I loae movement I have already lost speech as well. And when they come back, speech comes back last.
I don't lose actual vision but there are times when I cannot open my eyes. And there are times where I see but there is a disconnect and I cannot fully understand what I am seeing.
What you describe in your first paragraph closely resembles what I experience leading up to my shutdowns. It's the crest in the wave before I crash. Like you, I choose to either stim with the extra details or try to block everything out entirely. And I think a comparison to going nonverbal is an excellent way to describe what's likely going on my brain. What methods have you used to prevent it? I'm worried that I'm going to struggle with these incidents even more in college, but I haven't yet found a way to alleviate the problem without physically removing myself from the influence of the stimulus.
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I have not the kind affections of a pigeon. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Yeah, I figured our brains were doing similar things, just with different body functions. Unfortunately there is nothing that can prevent it. Being overloaded to the point of impairment is a big part of the definition of Autism. The only thing I can do is to try to escape an ovetwhelming situation or try to avoid being in one altogether. That is much harder said than done.
My shutdowns tend to be from social overload or general life stress fatigue overload and emotional overload. My meltdowns are from sound overload or conversation stress overload.
I have become unresponsive after physical therapy on my neck and head and after MRIs. I have also become unresponsive from excessive sound overload. And when I became catatonic, it was from visual overload or a big change in something I was used to. Both times I became catatonic were in the same location after very stressful weeks.
_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."
Wreck It Ralph
During my shutdowns I experience something like tunnel vision. Everything but something in front of me is all blurry or rather I can't just focus on anything but the thing in front of my eyes - my peripheral vision is not existent and when I move my head everything changes too fast.
Sort of like in this picture:
Except the car would seem much bigger and more detailed - even if it is that far away.