Don't Know What To Do?

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Whats going on everybody, first of all I just want to say hats off to everybody suffering with aspergers (which I'm fairly certain I got myself) for soldiering on and living their lives. I know how hard it is to live with it and its actually good to see theres a community for us and support. Anyway, I'm thinking about taking my life next few weeks as I've lost the motivation to live and don't see any point of existing much longer. Aspergers is making me too depressed to continue, amongst other problems. So first of all I'm 24 and I'm unemployed. I've struggled to hold down a job since I became an adult. I've walked out of jobs after hours and some after only one day because I didn't like them and couldn't perservere for the money (like most neuro's do) and the ones I did enjoy.. I was fired after a short amount of time. I'd struggle to do the most basic of jobs like tie knots, wrap things, etc. I'd be clumsy, keep asking questions over and over again, write things down into a system.. just basically made a fool of myself. I've been bullied at work, been given a hard time/laughed at by coworkers and called a mongole for struggling which has mentally scarred me.

In terms of my private life I'm very introverted, I don't have many friends and the only friends I do have smoke weed (I don't smoke it that often).. but if you take weed out the equation though.. I've got nobody. Some friends they are right? Users. Anyway, I have to have a routine in place to have a productive day (which I fail to fulfil most the time) and if I ruin that day, most the time it will ruin the whole week aswel (it has to be perfect). I lose my temper alot if things don't go my way and self harm alot if I lose with football games. Its best for me to avoid competitive games because if I lose, I behave like a lunatic and self harm. Most people dislike me, I've only got a few friends on facebook compared to the majority of people who have hundreds (and if try and be nice to people and ask them how there doing.. I get ignored). I'm only good to people when my house is available to smoke in apparently (well not so much these days, but it used to be). I'm also shy and arkward to talk to. People can tell I'm weird by my facebook (how empty it is) and if they interact with me.

Most of all, I'm depressed alot. I have a cousin who's a few years older than me who I'm quite close too. Even he uses me though because all of his other mates are working when his off. He has everything I would want with his life. A baby on the way, a car, a girl, a job.. all the things I don't have and probably not capable of having. It kills me too see all this and it me makes me resent him and I feel bad for feeling like that. Not just my cousin though but alot of people on facebook too and in general, for being normal and happy. I'm okay with most the things he has to be honest, its just him having a baby has set me off the most, probably because I'll never be a dad myself, let alone a girlfriend. His going through the best days of his life, getting on as normal, while I'm going through arguably the worst of mine.

One of my passions is to create a YouTube channel and promote personal development, start an online business, promote weight loss, make a difference, become a better person etc, grow a fanbase.. that could arguably keep me alive but I'm probably not capable of creating something like that anyway due to aspergers and my unlikable personality. I've been on and off with depression/feeling suicidal for a few years now (i actually planned to top myself in 2016, had the date planned and everything, but I got a job and changed my mind. I don't think lightning is going to strike twice this time though.. lifes got worse since then). But anyway, before this recent wave of depression, I was actually looking forward to doing positive things with my life. Start a youtube channel, go on some courses/learn some skills, get a job again, start a business and finally get my health sorted (which I've ignored for years). I been overweight too for most my life, btw. In fact, I've got to have some blood tests today to see the damage I've caused for being overweight for so long. I was actually diagnosed with n underactive thyroid which I've ignored for years and I wouldn't be surprised if i have new problems like diabetes and heart issues) but the truth of the matter is, I don't actually see the point of getting it sorted if I'm going to top myself in a few weeks anyway. Like whats the point?.. my lifes bad as it is.. throwing physical health problems into the mix is probably going to make me feel even more depressed. Great, physical and mental problems together.. woo hoo! Even if I did sort my physical health, I'm always going to have aspergers anyway.

But yee.. I'm tried of being depressed and different. I'd just love to be happy like other people and achieve my goals.. but I'm not sure if I'm capable of achieving them. I know I'm quite intelligent, well mannered and polite (compared to alot of obnoxious arrogant neuro's out there), I've got good intentions (I'd love to be able to help lots of different charities one day with my online business) and when I feel good, nobody can stop me. but unfortunately it never lasts long. I'd love to have a girlfriend (still a virgin btw) and have kids but if you think being autistic was hard enough.. try throwing an abnormally small penis into the mix aswel lol *thumbs up*. And if you think that was hard enough, try throwing permanent bad breath/halitosis into the mix. I can't go anywhere in public without chewing gum. No wonder I'm depressed (I wish I making these problems up but I'm not). I'm sure I'm just destined to be embarrassed by every aspect of my life. weight, lack of social skills, aspergers, small penis, halitosis, bad at jobs, no girlfriend, no proper friends, health problems.. can you see why I want to die? born different, live different and die different. I know some problems can be sorted but not all of them can and it makes me wonder.. is it even worth it?

P.S thanks for reading. Sorry for being so negative, I wish i didn't have to write on this forum (especially for myself anyway).. but this is my life unfortunately. My deadline is the 4th June anyway, if things improve I'll comment and let everyone know.. if I don't after then, you know why.

What is your relationship with your family like?

I'm quite close with my mom, I annoy her though because I'm depressed most the time. I don't tell her what I'm planning. I don't live with my old man and probably see him anywhere from 6-8 weeks.. but speak to him quite alot. Don't really talk to him about the depression though. I do my moms head in because of the depression and I've disappointed my dad because I haven't succeeded with a job yet like most young lads and don't have a girlfriend. There supportive though about serious issues, I just keep most of it low key from them. And the only family member I see is my cousin to have a smoke every few days, buts not a healthy relationship to be honest. He holds me back. On one side of the coin, his the only person that visits me to keep me company but on the other side of the coin.. its due to negative reasons. When I'm not depressed and on track, I don't see him (what a coincidence) but he always tries to get me to smoke again and when I'm depressed I don't care about doing good and smoke with him for company and to make me feel abit better.

Last edited by Anonymous93 on 17 May 2018, 8:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

OK, so, if you suicide it's going to devastate your mom, more than you know. Tell her what's on your mind, and ask her to help you get help.

I could get help but then I think whats the point? My lifes probably about to get worse with all the physical issues I'm having deal with right now (hospitals and doctors), I'll probably never have a girlfriend (which destroys me by the way) due to embarrassing issues and health. Even how I'm attracted to girl is different aswel, I like them but not how normal people do if that makes sense. I'd like to do a few months on a course to gain some qualifications but I get overwhelmed by being away from home, being around people and will probably quit again (plus health complications). I can do it in the right frame of mind but its embarrassing with the halitosis aswel which doesn't help. I'm arkward enough as it is being quiet and overweight.. not to mention chronic bad breath. I could get help but I don't know.. is it worth it? I know it would hurt my mom and my dad, but staying alive just for them while I suffer and watch others succeed around me.. would be too painful. Plus I wouldn't have to let them down anymore. I could understand one or two problems, sure, I could deal with them.. but theres just so many (physically and mentally). I'd take pride in taking myself out of this situation to be honest.. I feel like its my destiny and my fate for being so different and having to suffer.. but we'll see. Thanks for commenting anyway.

Halitosis most likely has a physical (medical) cause. To get help for it, you'd have to bring the subject up with your doctor or dentist.

Most of your beliefs about yourself or your future are cognitive distortions. Therapy could definitely help with that.

I would not say employment and romance are out of the question for you. You'd have to change your outlook, but that too can happen with therapy.

My autistic daughter is in a stable, long-term relationship with an NT. He isn't what most people would consider a prize - for one thing, he's quite fat - but they "get" each other. I like to say they each rescued the other from self-destructive paths.

None of your rationalizations for ending it are convincing to me. Oh and by the way? Don't draw wrong inferences from other people's social media. Nobody has that many "friends" - it's a complete misnomer - and for many of us, observing other people's social media presence just depresses us.

good news is I've had my bloods done, so atleast thats one positive for today. I'll deal with whatever I have to deal with, apart from thing which I hopefully haven't got/unlikely. I do feel better to be honest. And I know, it has been an embarrassing issue with me for a long time to be honest. I've wrote down a list of health issues to deal with and thats definetly on my list.. but one step at a time. Chewing gum will have to do for the time been but I honestly can't wait to get rid of it.
What kind of things could I expect from therapy?
I feel I can do well with employment if I'm good at it and have the right support from an employer. I'm a slow learner and clumsy.. most the time they don't give me enough time to get to grips with the job. I'm also quiet and don't bond well with co-workers, I like my own space. I don't mind talking to likable people but I prefer being on my own at breaks and things like that. I come from a warehouse and production background but to be honest, I haven't been good or enjoy either of them. I'm still prepared to get grind them out for a few months though, if I'm given the time.. so I can set up my own business. Thats where I really want to be. And I'm pleased to hear your daughter was able to find love and happiness with a partner, despite her aspergers. I'd love a girl I would, when I'm confident I can talk to them (although abit arkward) I don't care.. like I said, its just being consistently at that level. Losing weight is definetly a priority when I'm not depressed too. Like I said before I also have a small man downstairs which is humiliating and off putting too.. which worries me that I'll never be able to please a girl, plus the aspergers and halitosis on top. But I know lol, I need to think positive. I think I'd just have to find the right girl who would be prepared to put up with me. And I know lol, I need to keep off there. It does depress me sometimes I can't lie. thank you for talking to me anyway, I appreciate it.

Well, first, it could help you challenge your own assumptions and irrational beliefs, such as, other people have happy, uncomplicated lives. A lot of those people have dark secret sides, such as bulimia or alcoholism, and are not coping well at all.

Second, it looks to me like you are overwhelmed with the enormity of problems you have, to the point where you can't even begin working on them. A therapist could help you make an action plan, like seeing a doctor for your health issues one step at a time, and getting involved with a vocational rehabilitation agency.

Finally, it may be the case that you need antidepressant meds. You didn't mention that, but you certainly have bad enough depression to make it worth looking into.

If you try to talk to people on your breaks, it's possible that you might make some friends. Making friends does involve some effort, and it might be uncomfortable, but could be worth it in the long run.

I am also a quiet person, and don't really have many friends; however, I have started to make some friends since I began making an effort to talk to people. This is very scary and uncomfortable for me, but has been getting less so over time. I still have to force myself to do it, though.

Good luck.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. Of course, I wish it were under better circumstances.

Have you sought professional help for the depression or an autism assessment? Besides therapies, they do have drugs that are effective for it. Once you are less depressed a lot of things will become not easy, but noticeably less difficult. With the suspected autism knowing what autism is, what you are dealing will help also. Once you have a better idea of what and why coping strategies can be developed.

I always advise against trying to solve everything at once. Thinking about every problem you have does feel daunting and can make you depressed. Working on one or two things at a time gives you focus and hope.

Well first of all hi Anonymous93, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling and I wish I had some advice to just take away all your pain I really do. I feel for you and understand how difficult depression is.
The most advice I can give is seek professional help please. I genuinely don't want to see somebody like you with so much potential feel this way. I hope you can come out of this and pursue your dream of starting a YouTube channel.
You seem like a very kind hearted person as well and somebody I'd like to be friends with so if you ever need somebody to talk to feel free to PM me. We're all here for you.

I understand other people have a few problems but I highly doubt they have as many as me (yes, I am very overwhelmed by it). I just feel so worthless right now .. I've actually got to stage with the date I've set, I'm probably going to go through it. It feels like its time you know.. I'm ready. I really can't shake it off at the moment. Its quite scary to be thinking like that isn't it, I know. If I do feel happy or positive.. it doesn't last long. But your right.. I understand nobody has perfect lifes. I also understand there's people worse off than me out there but when your depressed, you only think of your own problems. I don't mean to be selfish I just can't help it at the moment. I'm currently working on my physical heath by having tests to see if I have any issues, which I offered to do myself a few weeks (just waiting on results). And no, I'm not on anti depressants and will I look into it and therapy is something I'm going to think about as it seems quite important.

Last edited by Anonymous93 on 18 May 2018, 12:58 am, edited 2 times in total.

Good for you Fandom Connection, I'm glad to see you were rewarded for trying to overcome one of your insecurities. I also understand in order for us to grow, we have to put ourselves out of our comfort zone, in this case being sociable and making friends. I can make friends, it depends on where I work sometimes. I'm just so haunted by a past job 3 years ago, where 80 posent of the co-workers didn't like me and treated me like crap. They'd watch me struggle and make mistakes, gossip about me, they'd laugh, they'd make fun of me in front of me (shame on me for allowing it). I'd never in a million years pick on somebody for struggling and being quiet.. but thats just me. I know it sounds dramatic but if anyone's been bullied it can leave a lasting effect. I did have a job after that a few months later for a small company and it was great because I got on with everybody. Nobody cared about my quiet arkward personality and I could actually do the job correctly. It was good but I ended up quitting due to depression, a mistake I regret to this day because 1. I don't think I'll ever work with small group of nice people again and 2. I don't think I'll ever have an easier job in my life again. So yeh, I can make friends.. I've proved it. But I always look back on that terrible experience a few years ago. Thank you for commenting.

No, I haven't for either of the two. I understand that seeking help from a professional looks like the most sensible option for me and could help me. And yes, it definetly does and has. Your right, it is best to work on one thing at a time and thats what I was originally planning to do and I'm in the process of doing (particularly at the moment). I was reluctant to get my bloods done yesterday due to depression and feeling like what was the point, but I did and felt better for it. Thanks for the advice and comment.

Last edited by Anonymous93 on 18 May 2018, 1:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hello DocteurDEVO7, thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it A few of you have recommended seeing a professional and I'm going to strongly consider it. It would be nice if I could make something of myself and overcome all this bull****, its been a dream of mine for a long time but its complicated by aspergers, depression, anxiety, embarrassment etc. It seems like life can go either two ways, up (courses, job, youtube) or down (death).. no in between. And so do you my friend with your kind words, thank you for your support

Just tell your mom you have thinking a lot about suicide, and ask her to help you get to a professional in mental health.

I am quite impressed that you did have that one job that suited you and where you were accepted. Why? because if it happened once, it can happen again.

Please keep making one step, one tiny step, at a time.