Anxiety problems from becoming more aware of own behaviour.

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Hello, I would like to talk about some anxiety problems I have been suffering from and if any of you have the same problem.

I have always suffered from anxiety problems since I can remember but it never got in the way of my life on a daily basis and to the extent it does now. I have noticed it has gotten really bad since I have started getting older and becoming more aware of my behaviour and my differences compared to my NT friends.
I am 22 and became obsessed with researching about aspergers syndrome 2 years ago and this is when I began studying my own behaviour and comparing it with NT people and in doing this I have noticed how awkward I am in social interactions, how the way I interact which I thought was normal is actually a little unusual and since noticing and being told that I have a bit an awkward walk I have become extremely self conscious. Looking back on my childhood and realizing how unusual I was, I was completely oblivious to it all. I can no longer even leave the house, go to work, go to shops Or social events without feeling extremely anxious and very self conscious. Friends telling me how weird i act and interact hasn't helped either. As a child I had no problem going to the shop to get a PlayStation game or going into town or beach with friends while now I can't do a lot of that due to anxiety.

The only positive thing that becoming aware of my own behaviour has done for me is help me to correct my social mistakes by looking back on past embarrassing moments where I have humiliated myself in social situations and helping me to know what not to say or how not to act next time, as well as making me much better at acting normal but trying to act normal all the time also causes me anxiety problems after a long day.

Share with you the pain of awareness of social awkwardness. But it does change and has improved my current interactions. It's stressful, but I have learned how to communicate better and what situations to avoid completely. The most helpful idea is that ALL people have difficulties in life, so we Aspergians deal with our limitations and weirdness and do our best. Any connections we make with others are generally better than total isolation.

I was diagnosed at 47 and did not know anything about Autism until I was 45. When I was younger, I was not fully aware of how different I was and I did not really understand that I have no social awareness. I felt many of the consequences of my awkwardness but I did not understand what was actually happening until I learned about my lack of social awareness and began to recognize it. The other thing that has happened is that as we get older, and become adults, especially if we are "high functioning" and we physically closely resemble nts, there are a lot more and a lot higher social expectations put on us than when we were kids. When we were little, we could more easily get away with being socially inaccurate. As we become adults, people do not give us so much grace.

I have also found that even if I tell people that I am Autistic, because I look so much like an nt, people don't believe that I am actually Autistic. People will sometimes tell me, you are not Autistic, you must just have Asperger's. Well I was diagnosed in 2014 so I do not have a diagnosis of Asperger's. And even if I did, Asperger's is still Autism and if my diagnosis were Asperger's I would still have the social awareness problems that I have. But because I look so similar to an nt, people think that they can pick and choose what issues I should have according to whatever their understanding of Asperger's is. And whatever they decide it is, meaning that if they decide that someone like me should only have a few little barely noticeable quirks or maybe just a little shyness, they will demand that I meet whatever social expectations they have of me. And I become very insecure because I am fully aware that no matter what I do, I will never be able to meet those expectations.

So we have a double effect. You are more aware of your own deficits because now you have studied them and recognize them in yourself. I have also become much more aware of mine since just before my diagnosis and after my diagnosis because of the research I have done. Now just because I am aware, does not mean that I am worse. I have always had these issues. I just was not aware that I had them. But as I got older the social expectations put on my were higher and more strict which makes me even more aware of my social deficiencies. It will be interesting to see how social expectations change if I live to be very old. Little old biddies seem to get a lot of slack and are allowed to be eccentric. That would be refreshing.

There are a few things that I try to do when I am in a social situation. I have a list of small talk subjects that I can fall back on. I make sure that my face, eyes and body movement is appropriate. But, the most helpful skill comes from reading novels. Authors can allow you to see the world through another person's eyes. This gives me a few clues into the other person.

These things are difficult and exhausting. But, when they go right, it is such fun.

Keep practicing, you are young and have a full life in front of you.