Should I consult a professional?

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Hello...I've never been on forums like these as far as posting goes but I have lurked around this website for a few months now. I've come across some interesting articles that have made me much more self-aware than I was last year about the issues I am facing within myself. I would also like to apologize ahead of time if this post seems out of order, as I do have a few issues with organized writing. Feel free to ask questions to clear it up.

Back in November of 2017 I had an encounter with a few of my teachers about issues I was having in class. I know that I have lingering effects of PTSD from an event that happened in my childhood, as well as some hereditary anxiety (all of my siblings have it, as well as my mother). However back in November I recognized this as something else that I ended up just labeling as "anxiety."

Long story short, I talked with 4 of my teachers and opened up about the issues I had and different things I needed to avoid in class to prevent myself from becoming over-loaded and such. One teacher in particular chose to speak with me after school about it in a lengthy conversation that ended up forming a friendship between me and the teacher.

As the months went on I started to become more self-aware of myself, such as repetitive movements I would do, and pretty much that seemed out of the ordinary for a NT. I also reflected on myself and tried to think of some other things I did in the past or present that were odd. This is the list that I have compiled over the last few months:
- I'm ALWAYS moving some part of my body, be it tapping my foot, cracking my joints, biting my nails, facial movements, moving my legs in any way really, hard blinking, pacing, spinning in a desk chair or when standing, compulsive exercising to the point of muscle exhaustion.
- I used to have a few vocal oddities as well, like making grunting noises or if I felt the need to say a word or make a noise out loud I would do so, but this was generally restricted to a private setting such as that of my own room.
- These behaviors increase in tempo if I'm feeling more anxious or stressed than usual.
- I don't even notice I'm doing these movements at all. I could be hitting the wall repetitively (and lightly) and not notice.
- I developed obsessions at an early age, possibly around 3rd grade. I would become overly obsessed with a video game, topic, or even a person. These obsessions have only gotten worse over the years and now severely impact me. They do, however, sometimes force me to change the way I behave as to emulate one of my obsessions' demeanor or to impress other people. For instance, after my teacher and I became friends I started to compulsively wait outside of their classroom every morning or afternoon just to have a social interaction with them, even to say hi/bye or strike up a conversation. If I couldn't see the teacher I would become really anxious and only focus on the person until I could see them again.
- I have a REALLY hard time in social situations, which my PTSD doesn't help at all. Sometimes I find it physically impossible to respond to someone or speak up. I retain the ability and choice to speak, but its like if you're falling down and you catch yourself on a chair. That's how I feel in my mind: I'm about to speak yet my mind catches on something as to save me from a dangerous consequence, if that makes sense.
- I also find it difficult to maintain conversations. I tend to talk more about obsessions I have, which scares people off or bores them to death.
- I find the use of fidget toys very soothing, and my main tools of the trade are the bike chain fidgets you can find on Amazon for like $5. I have one for each hand to prevent the nail biting. If I don't have these both in my hand I tend to become anxious since I'm heavily attached to them.
- I find it difficult to concentrate or study. Though this is mostly when it is a subject other than my special interests. I also have vision problems as a result of a head injury to the back of my head, which also may have caused some dyslexia and dysgraphia to develop, so that doesn't help my situation at all. In fact, I used to be an amazing writer and avid reader until this happened. I guess that part isn't necessary.
- Though I have lost most of the facial movements and vocal oddities, I still find myself blinking hard purposely or blinking rapidly. I also find myself occasionally squinting one eye or both, usually it looks like a forced eye twitch. This is also usually limited to the comforts of my private dwelling.
- I have some sensitivities to light and sound. Certain colors trigger emotions from me, such as very dark blues and other very dark colors. Bright lights also physically hurt my eyes, like if I peek outside to let my dogs in the backyard the indirect sunlight makes my eyes feel like they're falling out. Certain sounds also make me shift uncomfortably and some make me have an anxiety attack. Very heavy bass makes me writhe in place.
- Not that this may have anything to do with it, but growing up I had a bad habit of toe-walking. It was a difficult habit to break and my family wasn't very supportive of it. I tried breaking the habit by wearing casts ending below my knees to get into the habit of walking normally on 2 separate occasions but it didn't work. I did try to break this habit afterwards and to this day I still walk on my toes, though it isn't as often. I usually do it when I'm barefoot rather than when I'm wearing shoes.
- I tend to rock back-and-forth or from side-to-side when I'm stressed, or even when I'm sitting down and everything is fine. If I keep myself pre-occupied with other movements such as moving my foot or using my fidget tools I can distract myself from rocking.
- I recently noticed a development of something I saw called "raptor hands." I do this often in public, and when I portray this position with my arms I usually have my fidgets in my hands and it feels more comforting. I don't, however, flap my hands. Never did.
- When I'm in social situations my energy drains really quickly, and I often go into an overload. It causes irritability and isolation in my case. Sometimes it can last from until I'm out of the situation to several hours.
- When people speak to me I can't maintain interest either, usually I'm just having thoughts run through my mind that have nothing to do with the conversation. I also sometimes can't understand what someone is saying in terms of word meaning.
- I CANNOT stand eye contact. I am very, very picky with this, as I can have eye contact with maybe 2 people I am very close to and that's it. I find it very uncomfortable to maintain casual eye contact, even just to quickly look someone in the eyes. It makes it hard to conversate because the other person thinks I am uninterested or bored.
- I have difficulty dealing with and recognizing my feelings. I find it difficult to empathize with others in the effect of a tragic event or something similar. I feel cold and distant from others when it comes to emotions. I also find it uncomfortable to be in a setting in which someone is crying. I feel as if I am emotionally detached from everyone else.
- I had a speech impediment when I was little but its about 95% gone now. I do have a stutter however (even though that wasn't the impediment) and often mix up my words. I'll say I'm cold if I mean something else, I'll say yesterday if I meant tomorrow, or if I'm referring to my mom's friend I'll accidentally say something like friend, sister, or whatnot.
- Growing up I was a really smart kid, and I was originally scared to open up about the issues I was having because I felt like no one would take it seriously. I've always been at the top of my class without doing any extra work or studying, and in fact the first time I ever felt the need to study was in college believe it or not.
- I dislike having people close in proximity around me. I tend to give myself a good 6 feet 360 degrees bubble all around.
- Back to obsessions, ever since I was little I have had a very big obsession with astronomy. Every day I am reading an article or looking at photos of space, and its basically the only thing I ever talk about. Its the basis of all conversations I have and it steers a lot of people away.
- About the obsessions with people, these are usually non-romantic and non-sexual. At first I regarded them as such but as I tried to picture myself having those feelings for the people (exposure to help kill the obsessions figuratively) I realized I did not have those feelings. These obsessions are almost damaging to me depending on the lengths I go. Its gotten to the point of me actually looking up the obsessions' personal information online just to know personal things about them. I would never harm the people, its just like an itch I have to scratch. I have to know where they live, or I have to know what their car would look like. Those kinds of things. I usually develop these obsessions with people that show an appreciation for me. Such as my current counselor, the teacher I listed above, and a few other people my age though the latter has started to die out thankfully.
- If I email or text the subject of my obsession and I don't get a meaningful response or a response soon after I send a message, I become extremely uneasy and feel as if I did something wrong. I usually worry over this the rest of the day.
- One wrong emotional encounter can ruin my entire day. Its just by default if something bad happens I'm in a horrible mood and state of mind for the rest of the day.
- Not sure if this is related, but my obsessions have led me to more inner conflicts within myself. Before I was questioning whether or not my obsessions were based off of romantic or sexual feelings, I felt that I wasn't "straight." My obsessions range from men to women, so you can see where I would be questioning my sexuality. I was also having an inner conflict as far as my masculinity and femininity go. Sometimes I feel much more than the other.
- Sometimes I am over-sensitive to touch, though I think this is a rare occurrence for me. When it is happening its almost like every touch is painful.
- I absolutely hate it when people touch me. Hugs, taps on the shoulder, hand shaking, I HATE it. I don't even allow my own family to do any of that.

So, even though there are probably more that I have forgotten at the moment (it's currently midnight as I am writing this) I began to look up my problems on the internet while I spoke to my counselor about it. In my own research, while I know that the internet is NOT a credible source completely, I washed up on the topic of Autism and Asperger's Syndrome. That was also when I discovered this website, which as allowed me to put a name to so many of the issues I was having while growing up. Autism has popped up in my family before as well, as my cousin who is in his 30s was diagnosed as autistic. My counselor started to ask me about different behaviors I have noticed about myself around the time I started my researching, and it suspected me to believe that she may also be interested in what I listed above. I know she didn't outright say anything, but I know she also noticed a pattern.

In the end of my research I decided to take a few lingering AQ tests online that gauge whether or not I should consider speaking to a professional about it. One of which I encountered before registering on this website before I made this post. I took my time on this test, and it was definitely nerve-wracking. I ended up with this:

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 167 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 51 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

I also did a few other tests, such as a test for alexythmia and the empathy quotient. These were my results for those:

Test Results: 153 Points
Alexithymia: You show high alexithymic traits.

Your Empathy Quotient score was 10 out of a possible 80.
Scores of 30 or less indicate a lack of empathy common in people with Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome.

And lastly, the AQ test:
Results of your Autism / Asperger's Screening Quiz
You scored a total of 39

Of course I'm not saying outright that I am, but with the different things I have and had going on it made me think. From the information that I've provided, would you say that I should consult a professional about this? I would like to know if there is something about myself that would cause me to encounter these obstacles and have the thoughts I have. I don't consider any of it a defect or disability, rather a different wiring.

Sorry if this stuff seemed all over the place, if you have any further questions please ask!

What grade in school are you in now?

Or are you in college/university?

I would say, if you feel like you need accommodations in school, that you would go for the diagnosis. Especially if you're in a place where you can get the diagnosis for free.

If it would cost too much money, and you wouldn't be able to benefit from a diagnosis, then I would just join the ranks of the "self-diagnosed."

I sense, though, that you really want a professional diagnosis badly. So go for it.

Welcome to WP, Purpleclad.

From what you have said, I think there's a quite high likelihood that you have an autistic condition. Even some of the points that you are less sure about, such as toe-walking, are actually quite common and distinctive autistic traits (I don't walk about normally on my tip-toes unless doing my pacing stims, but it has led to a noticeably unusual walking gait.) By "raptor hands", I guess you mean with your arms tightly held to the sides of your ribcage, and hands in front of your chest, as if they were attached directly to your shoulders. If so, then that is surprisingly common too ("bunny paws" is my version); pressure around the torso is a common sensory comforter for many autistic people.

If you feel the need for, and have access to, a diagnosis, then I suggest that you go forward with it. You have a very clear idea of what traits concern you, and your test scores indicate a high likelihood too (note that the tests you took are often used for initial screening in a formal context; they are proven diagnostic aids, not just internet pop-psychology.) Both of those things will make a diagnosis easier to determine.

Doing so now would probably be a very opportune time; as you say, going to university is a big change, so being able to access to support could make a big difference to your life there. My university years were disastrous, but looking back, I can see that having no idea why I had the problems that I did made those years immeasurably more difficult than they could have been.

In the mean time, there is plenty you can learn here, as I'm sure you have already seen. Don't be afraid to ask anything, no matter how daft you think your questions might be - most people here understand that what is "obvious" to most people isn't always obvious to us, and plenty of us have been there before you.

Best wishes.

It sounds like a careful, professional diagnosis would be helpful to you. As for being self-diagnosed, the problem is a number of things that are not autism can have symptoms that overlap with autism. For instance, you could have a combination of attention deficit disorder and an anxiety disorder. There are medical treatments for those, but not for autism. I'm not here to push pills, but they can be quite helpful to some people.

I think you're going to be successful, as you ask a lot of the right questions and are not antagonistic to seeking help. Best of luck to you in your studies. Please share your experiences with us.

Since you want accommodations, I would definitely go for the diagnosis.

You should stop by the Disabilities Office of your school, and tell them of your desire.

Welcome to wrong planet.

I agree with pretty everything that has been said by the other members.