Can't Move On

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Hello everyone, this will be my first post on this website, and admittedly it's a bit of a ramble. I am a diagnosed 20 year old Aspie woman (recently diagnosed 8 months ago while in a hospital's psych unit). Having dealt with loneliness, anxiety and depression for as long as I remember, I voluntarily walked into the hospital seeking help. I was worried it could be BPD, due to having an uDX BPD mother. I share some traits, but my actions and mind set don't correlate with the diagnosis, as well as my two half brothers (both related to me on y mother's side) being on the spectrum.

To start off, I've only had one relationship. I met him on craiglist when I was in my senior year of high school due to loneliness. I had recently moved into my own apartment to get away from my toxic mother, and my self esteem was rather low. Being an overweight African American who didn't fit into the negative stereotypes, I felt ostracized by a lot of people at my school. I did have acquaintances in band and anime club however. Well, the fellow sounded like someone who I had met in high school, and he was an outsider himself (being white in almost urban Hispanic school). In retrospect he also fits quite a few of the ASD traits as well, including obsessions with taking a part and putting together record players, cassette players and the like. I turned out to be right, it was the fellow from my high school. The first time we met in person and by the end of our date he asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course, I accepted (never being in a relationship before). He lied to me about having sexual role play accounts and ended up dumping me unceremoniously after almost a year of dating (blocking me on Facebook without much of an explanation) for a girl whom he had an infatuation for. I was so confused, and the lack of closure lead me to call him multiple times. he said he would call me back, but I later found out that he was never planning on doing so. He erased me from his life as if I had never existed, even after telling me he loved me. We only saw each other once a month and it was mainly hanging out in my apartment, making out and kissing. He kept trying to push farther and wanted sex, but I was too nervous to do so.

Two years later after that hurtful breakup and I still ruminate on it every day. I get angry at myself for being so naive to someone's true intentions toward me and I feel so much rage toward the fellow, who portrays himself as a misunderstood, "good guy" to the people around him. I have a decent full time job in an office, doing classes online to get my Masters in Library Science and English, as well as just having adopted my second cat, yet I can't stop feeling hurt. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you move on? And yes, I am in therapy, but suggestions are helpful in how to moving on.

Well, I know it doesn't serve a purpose to say this after the fact but I'm sure you can definitely see why meeting someone on craige's list is not the most ideal thing to do. More then likely because you were in high school communicating with this person your mom wasn't being "toxic" but was probably trying to tell you how it wasn't a good idea.

I don't know exactly how "moving on" actually works but what I do know is that with time you eventually move on. I've only had 3 boyfriends in my entire life and I'm currently dating the 3rd one right now. The first doesn't count since he was in my high school and the second one was the first I ever cared about and the way he dropped me like a hot potato left me to where I wasn't right for a year. It was only from then that I finally cut him loose and was able to "move on" properly but he blind sided me, never gave me real closure and was basically gonna cut me loose anyway. It took me 2 years after cutting him loose and then I finally met my boyfriend now.

I guess long story short, if you wanna move on, meet someone else

I'm sorry to read that you've gone through some terrible experiences. I can relate to the toxic, undiagnosed BPD mom (among other relatives). I've also found several of these individuals drawn to me in work and other avenues of life, as well as a couple relationships with them. It can be demoralizing, but it sounds like you're reflective and on the right path. I could offer some bitter advise, since at this point (about 15 years older than you) I feel opening myself up to almost anyone will only lead to a lot of betrayal and discovering a much darker persona I didn't see was there. I also question the reality of love.

Instead, I'll say this: focus on what you do have in your life. I've focused on what I didn't have (love, acceptance, partnership), and gave up some great things because I thought I was gaining more. Instead, I only keep losing, and watch a lot of what I've built waste away because the other person is afraid of being abandoned and seems to feel shame rather than guilt. Better relationships will come, but if you focus on not having one, or only focus on what this guy didn't give you, then you'll f**k up all the great things you do have. You seem to be doing well, unlike your crazy mom and ex. It may not feel that way, especially since these people can make us feel like we're doing something wrong when we're actually happy, and we're so used to placating them that we forget what happy feels like. But, from what you said, you're doing well for yourself. Give yourself some praise for it, and forget this a**hole.

To green0star

I was long out of the house and in my own apartment before meeting the guy on craigslist. I left after years of emotional abuse from my mother. She had no idea of my decision to date him because I don't talk to her.

Thank you HighLlama for that advice.

I've been trying to focus on not ruminating on that guy so much, but it can be so hard not to because he was my first boyfriend. I should focus on my cats, work, and interests instead of him.

And you don't have any friends to talk to about such things??? If you did I'm sure even they would tell you its not recommended to pick up with someone from craigslist. If guys can buy hookers on craigslist then that's the last place you wanna find a guy at. If you're still looking for someone, try the old fashioned way. Though I wouldn't recommend dating on the job because that can get pretty risky the higher up the professional latter you get but a community club, or a book store are places you can start with (: