Rant

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, I'm gonna give this site one of its first real rants.

I am so fed up with my life right now. Tears are rolling down my face and I'm trying to be calm enough to write this, and hope my mom doesn't come over here because tears would make her angry. Which is just wrong, but is how it is.

I don't know. For the past 20 years (I'm 20) I've been more or less fine with doing my own thing, being alone, etc. That doesn't mean I didn't get very depressed over it at times but for the most part I could always find something to do myself that I'd really enjoy.

I woke up today, though, and was struck by an intense desire to do something. I can't drive. I'm stuck in this house all day. Well, I work 30 hours a week now so at least I do that. But other than that, it's up to me to entertain myself at the house. I have no friends. There are a couple people that are on and off friends that I can almost never get in touch with, but I get to even just talk to them only a few times a year.

Usually I'd be content with going on the computer all day, listening to the radio, taking walks, reading, TV...but I've been crying all day because I've been so jealous of my mom and brother who can go out and do stuff whenever they please.

I finally got to a point where I was feeling okay today, even good, and then they started arguing with me about who's going to take me to work and a therapist appt. next week. I feel like such a f*****g worthless piece of flesh when people argue about who's going to drive me somewhere! I can't tell you how worthless it makes me feel! I hate being a bother, I hate that they hate taking me places, and I hate that they don't even think it's worth taking me half the places I need to go, i.e. my mom doesn't think I should see my therapist anymore because she thinks it's not "working" even though I love her [the therapist] and she always makes me feel soo much better.
I hate that I get so overwhelmed over the tiniest things. I can barely handle the life I'm living and my mom and the world in general has me scared to death about life after college. I mean, yes, I should be scared about it, I should be thinking about it , planning for it, but at this point I'd rather die than have a life after college, I don't see how I'm going to survive in the real world. I can barely survive the much more sheltered life I'm living now.

My brother is taking me/is going to my dad's tomorrow, for example. He's bringing a friend. I'm already overwhelmed at the prospect of him playing music I hate - certain kinds of music have a terrible effect on me. I spend all my time worrying about the smallest of things, and I can't go five minutes without worrying about something that's going to happen in the future. I should know. I tried yesterday. Happens so subtly, one minute you're walking along, almost approaching calm, and then the thought pops into your head, "must remember to do...." or "i want to do...." I'm scared to death of forgetting things so I spend most of my time obsessing over that.

What's got me most upset at the moment though is I am so insanely jealous right now of my brother for being able to do things. He just left the house to go get ice cream with his friends. Ice cream is one of my favorite things in the world. If I wanted to do the same, I'd have to go bike or walk two or three miles to do so.

I don't know, as I said, usually I like hanging out by myself and doing stuff around the house. But for some reason, I've been crying all day about it. I don't know why. Nothing seems worth doing, and I can't stop crying. I wish I had friends... most of the time friends seem pointless, until you want someone to do something with..and other things that I don't have the energy to expand upon.

I wonder if it's because for the first time in my life I'm working thirty hours a week (this is the first time I've ever had a job), and it's really hard, and so perhaps I think that after the crappy week I've had I should at least have some fun on the weekend, and then my old ways of having fun don't cut it.

I could learn how to drive ... I've tried before...but the whole thing is just so overwhelming... and there's hardly any time for it...no one really has time to teach me...I don't know... it's the one thing that I want more than anything else in the world because it would actually make my life liveable!, but it's also one of the things I'm most scared about in the world.

Thanks for reading this... can anyone relate?
Kate

Last edited by vivreestesperer on 13 Jan 2006, 2:48 am, edited 4 times in total.

Do you live in a big city? Even if you don't, biking is a great way to travel. Sure, it takes you longer to get there, but you have more fun on the way there! If you live in the middle of the boondocks, well thats a problem, because it will take a long long time to get anywhere useful using a bike. Also, walking is good, because people approach you when you are walking. Its a good way to make friends. If you can find a dog to walk, you are A LOT MORE likely to be approached (especially by members of the opposite sex, its a great way to pick up potential girl/boyfriends [at least thats what i've heard, i have never had a dog or a girlfriend]) and even by people that might become friends. Oh, darn it! That reminds me i forgot to put my bike in the shed!! ! well i have to go do that its already dark .

I know how you feel. I'm pretty depressed most of the time...same situation...few friends...not a hell of a lot to do.

I talked with my therapist about this...he had some ideas of ways to get out of the house. I'm gonna go to libraries more often.

I'm 27. I still don't drive. I passed the written exams in my driver's ed class with a perfect score, and then failed that whole driving part miserably. It's not the car I fear, I can drive fine in deserted areas. It's the other people in other cars. Gah! I'm a crappy passenger too. I trust few people to drive me and I'm still a seatbelt clutcher if other drivers act squirrelly.
But I do understand the whole feeling not so great about asking people to take you places. I'm pretty much content to sit here most times but on occasion I need to go do stuff and I feel like a jerk asking. Especially if the place I need to go is somewhere no one else wants to go. I end up at the mall a lot since I don't feel comfortable asking to go anywhere specific. Man I hate the mall...

We aren't totally in the same boat, but I can sort of see what you are experiencing - I live alone, though, so I have to drive myself . . . but what I hate is when the people I like to be around want to do something with me and I can't because there are going to be too many people there (like the mall or an outdoor concert or something) or, if I decide I REALLY want to do it I have to have conditions (like we can't go on the weekend because there will be too many people there, and at the movie we have to have an isle and I have to sit on it and if it is too crowded I'm going to go out in the lobby, but don't worry, I won't leave without you - and then one time I went to a concert with a couple of people and we couldn't get an isle because it was sold out and so I sat between them and reminded myself that I had a xanax in my pocket the whole time!

Now, to change the subject completely, what kind of job did you get?

I am 18, can drive, and have my very own car, but I do not drive often as it is not one of my favorite activities. I am attending community college this summer, and that is the primary destination I drive to. My parents decided to leave me at home for just over a week while they visited with some relatives, and will meet up with me for orientation at Georgia Tech next weekend. Since last Wedensday I have not gone anywhere accept for college, and I do not really have any friends to speak of that I could meet up with, as some of them have started college and moved out already. It gets boring at times since I have class only for only 16 hours a week, but it hasn't been terrible. I spend a lot of time on the computer, and I'll find things to do. I can understand how you feel, and I often times do crave meaningful contact with others. Unfortunately, most of the people that understand me the best live hundreds of miles away from me in Florida. I participated in a science oriented pre-college program at the University of Florida last summer, where I met some people that really looked up to and accepted me. In fact, I was voted most intellectual by a landslide vote at the end of the program.

Thanks for your replies.

I live in a suburb of a small city.

I used to like to bike but I've gotten out of practice and now don't like it that much anymore. Not a big fan of exerting myself physically too much. Also the problem w biking is finding a place to leave your bike when you get to your destination.

I do like to walk, and I do it a lot. But I wear my Walkman because I love listening to music while I walk... so not much chance of being approached by anyone. Although one time last week or so this guy saw me singing to some song on the radio and said something like "what are you listening to" and that was kinda cool I talked to him for a few minutes. When we had a dog I took him for a walk and you're right it's a great excuse to talk to people. I am however glad we no longer have a dog because well in terms of sensory issues they're a bit too much. (their smell, they're loud etc)

My job - it's working basically to update a computer database for a mapping company. A perfect Aspie job, I have to do very minimal communication with others and the supervisors are really nice and gentle. I can't complain about the working conditions one bit, I'm just not used to having a job I guess.

I got to go to my dad's this weekend where there is much more to do so I felt better then. Also this weekend I get to go too, tomorrow actually. He lives on a lake so lots of stuff to do there.

I tell myself to take it one day at a time because one tends to get completely overwhelmed if they think about too much at once, but there's something to be lost in living 'crisis to crisis' and trying to get thru. But if that's all you can that's all you can do I guess. There are still good times in my life, there's just a hell of a lot of worrying in between.

Sorry it took me so long to reply to this. Not much time in the evenings anymore.

oh - june, how do you get around if you don't drive?

my mom has pretty much had it with me not driving and so im going to take the drivers written test again and get my permit and then start driving with her we'll see how THAT goes *not looking forward to it*

Kate

Well, to be frank about it, I don't.
I live in a fairly large city, which is next to an even larger city, so if I really wanted to I could walk somewhere nearby to get whatever I needed, or take the bus if I felt adventurous, but I never do.
If I need to go anywhere, someone drives me. But I was left alone here for a week last month and I didn't leave the house once.
On the other hand, I wasn't bored or lonely once either. I make a pretty good hermit.

Greetings,

I know exactly how you feel. One of the ironies here is that I can drive but they would never trust me with the car in a million years and never insured me and I'm so out of practice now that I would have to start all over again. If I say I'm planning to go somewhere they automatically assume I want a lift or something and complain.

I dont have any friends to speak of either - or rather I suppose it depends on my definition of friend. The guy who called me his 'best friend' was someone I didnt trust, never invited me to anything because of my differences, only interested in my company when he is at home alone, claims he dosent have stuff I lent and generally not a nice person. Maybe NT friends are supposed to be like that - who knows.

I'm doing voluntary work at the moment (a forced placement through the employment service). I cant handle the office hours so I just come in whenever I want. They are laid back and understanding about my issues so thats good at least. I tend to go through periods of several days where I cant do any work though.

Anyway - you are most certainly not alone.

I know the feeling too. I can manage driving, and work, but the friendship thing is a whole 'nother story. I've had that feeling too where I wake and want so desprately to do something with someone, but having no one to do it with. about 2 years ago I feel into a deep depression because of it. I would get off work with 30 or so other people that I knew and I would see them all go off together, or their friends would be waiting for them after work, and I would go home all by myself. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.....

I *just (last week) started driving, and I am finding it a big problem.

I like being on my own quite a lot but sometimes, I'd love to do something like just hang out and listen to music with a friend or watch a DVD or go to the beach and take photos or go to church but I can't find somebody to do that with.

Sometimes, I even know who I'd like to be with me, but can't find the way of asking without it seeming to be strange. Being on the computer is good because it's a way of talking to other people.

I used to drive but hated it when anybody drove too closely behind me and haven't driven for several years.

All of the things I found depressing about not having a car were replaced by even bigger problems. I can finally go places and do things the way I've wanted to for 5 years, yet I feel like I'm at an all time low.

Kate, I can definatley relate to being jealous of your siblings for not having AS problems. Sometimes I think about the success my siblings have had and think that they are how I could have been without AS.

The thing is, I'm not entirely antisocial and would do more things outside the house if there was somebody to go with. I suppose I'm making a little bit of progress in making friends so maybe it's a matter of being patient, but other people just seem to take it for granted that we all have friends we can go places with.

I hate that. When it gets around to friday everyone asks each other 'any plans for the weekend?' and they're all going out, seeing boyfriends/girlfriends etc. I tend to ignore the question rather than saying 'well actually from when I leave the office on a friday afternoon I won't have a conversation with another human being until I get back to the office on monday morning'.