Identity problems

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I‘m not sure if this is the right section of the forum to post this, but let‘s give it a try.
Also in advance, I have to apologize for any grammar mistakes, english isn’t my native language.

Lately, alot of things happened in my life, many changes happened. In the last couple of weeks, I don‘t really know who I am anymore. I cannot really explain why I feel that way, but I have two theories in mind.

The first one is masking. When I‘m with different people, I always change my personality a bit. For example, I talk or dress differently. I also try to avoid saying wrong things. I have different views on different topics. When I‘m with a group of people, I try to avoid saying things that could upset them. But when I‘m with another group, I can talk freely about the stuff, that could upset the other group. I came to realize, that I don‘t really know anymore, which is the real me.

The second problem that probably evolved from the first one is my asperger diagnosis. I was very interested in autism as a whole in the last few months. I noticed, that I don‘t have all traits of my diagnosis. For example, I almost never use immediate echolalia, only the delayed variant. I also don‘t have what you call a special interest. Yes, I do have narrow interests, but they don‘t seem like special interests at all. And apart from very subtle cues or sarcasm, I can read facial expressions, or body language just fine. Lately, I‘m very anxious about not being autistic at all. For me it‘s like all that I have left. And without it, I have nothing left, no personality. I know it sounds a little bit strange.

Does someone have made similar experiences? Can I do something to „bring back“ my personality? Thank you alot for any advice!

Tldr: Due to drastic life changes, I have proplems to determine, who I am. I am very afraid of not being autistic, because it‘s the only thing I have left that is truly me.

I‘m sorry to bump this thread, but someone here already posted an answer, and then deleted it. Unfortunatly, I didn‘t had the the time to answer it yet, sorry! It‘s not like I didn‘t care about your answer. If you want, you can post it again

I feel like that from time to time. Mostly when i'm social and create appropriate "personas" that people would like. I also have the same fear of not being autistic and just faking it because i feel that if it's like that, i will be just an empty shell with no personality. I think that because of this disorder we spend so much time to mask and fit in with people we don't have enough time to develop a sense of self. I've also heard that people with too much empathy have this problem (which is kind of strange i guess) They try to please people so much that they forget about their sense of self. I think the best thing to do if i feel like this is to spend some time alone.

Yeah, I kinda have that problem too. I realized at some point that all the major actions I had taken in my life were in a large part influenced by what other people told me or what I thought society considers correct. That doesn't mean that it wasn't my own decision and opinion, but if it just happens to always coincide with what everyone else says, then it's hard to know if it was really me.

Of course, I only became aware that I was doing masking my whole life to a large extent once I got diagnosed, and that was only a couple years ago. But like you, when looking back, I'm unsure whether I ever actually wanted anything for myself, and although the diagnosis gave me a lot of relief initially, I am now pretty unsure what I am beyond it. I tried cutting myself off from all outside influence, but found that resulted in me just doing absolutely nothing for some years, now I am planning to once again go back to the super basic path to success (finish college,get job,etc.) that society sets out because I have no better ideas.

You are NOT alone in this. I didn't "mask" at all as a child. My Mom allowed me to be who I was. When I was in preschool the teacher took my Mom aside after the first day or two and said she was concerned because I had NO interest in playing with the other kids and was content to just play in the corner with blocks and toys the whole time. The teacher apparently tried to get me to join the group and I strongly protested. My Mom told the teacher to let me play by myself if that's what I wanted to do. That was back in the early seventies. Kudos to my Mom, God rest her soul. Forced play with peers? No thank you.

I lived out in the country and spent a huge amount of my childhood outdoors by myself. I loved it. I would talk to the birds and listen to them. I would call out to the wind trying to control it. I would lay, belly down on the ground and fill my nostrils with the smell of earth and climb trees, swaying in their branches. I didn't know how to "mask" and didn't have to. I was who I was. I was the king of my own world!

It wasn't until middle school when I started to see a need for masking to try to "fit in". Like most of us here I would guess, masking has been a big part of how I interact with NT people outside of my own immediate family. Trying to mimic others or trying to mimic the dynamic of different groups of people. I've had the dour feeling at times that I'm an empty shell of a person with no real personality of my own as a result of the mimicry. Worn out from it all and tired of "keeping up appearances"...

HOWEVER.......I take heart in remembering who I was and how much I loved life as a kid when I was king of my own private world. I'm still that same person who, at my core, loves life and the beauty of nature. I'm a kind person who doesn't hate anyone. While life and even each day can be a roller coaster of ups and downs, wonderful, great, good, bad, terrible and tragic, I wouldn't give up or give it up for anything. Periodic soul searching and remembering "who I am" based on my past experiences, likes, dislikes, etc helps me to connect with myself.

I hope that helps?

I also wonder how different we'd all be if we were able to hang out, coming together in our ND worlds away from the NT world. I've always got along with and felt more comfortable around people others consider "misfits". I'm a misfit and quite proud of it, thank you.

I had an older cousin who did not have Downs Syndrome, but was severely mentally challenged. I loved when we would visit or his family would visit ours. He was one of my favorite people to this day that I've ever known. Not a single mean bone in his body.

My point is, I would think if ND people hung out together in groups there would be less judgement and no need to mask and I would like to think our personalities we may often think aren't there would bloom beautifully even to our own surprise.

Wouldn't it be awesome if there was an international movement or organization of thousands of local groups of ND people who could get together on a regular basis in an environment where we could "be ourselves"? Play games, share interests, talk, share, help and support.

Late late late
diagnosis for me
(I hate late).

I don't think
I'll ever finish
trying to distinquish
mask from me.

WP helps.

Nobody has every single symptom, if you've been diagnosed then you can rest assured that you are most likely autistic. But even if you arent autistic, you are you.

It's natural to adapt to certain situations and among certain people. Everyone masks in some way.