Self-harm, seeing my own blood. Nothing else causes the same or similar sensation in my mind, I can't find anything to use to replace it with or help me "step down" from it - it seems like I've tried everything there is. It just feels really good to me, and when my chronic depression is at its worst, sometimes it's the only thing I can feel that isn't numbed by the depression. And nope, the initial pain doesn't put me off - sometimes it too creates a pleasant sensation in my brain, kind of like ASMR (which I also experience), and never is it enough to deter me. I've been struggling with this to varying degrees over the past few years.
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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"