Mild Asperger's and shutdowns

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all.
The purpose of this topic is mainly to ask other people with mild Asperger's about their experience when having shutdowns. Most of the experiences I've read about from other people involve being non-verbal, rocking requiring alone time and generally being non-functional. I do understand I am lucky on this regard, as mine aren't anywhere near that bad; but I find myself without information on how mild shutdowns look like, feel like, and it also brings its own set of problems.

I can remember three instances, perhaps now four, where I almost definitely had a shutdown. There are probably many others, but they fly under the radar (and that's what worries me, for reasons I will explain later) The worst ones feel like having a lot of thoughts that go nowhere circling around some issue that triggered them, some kind of headache only it's not a headache but a mindache, if that even makes any sense, and not wanting to do anything. Communication is difficult. But is there a way to differentiate between a shutdown and just being generally tired or depressed? About the flying under the radar thing, whenever I consider I am depressed or tired but have things to do I just go pull myself together and go ahead if my willpower is enough; until my willpower is not enough and I just stop fulfilling my duties as I should. So what if those times that happens I am actually shutting down but I don't recognize them for what they are and go ahead, and even though I am capable to go ahead it sort of builds up day after day? Some people have told me that after going though a shutdown they feel better, but if I don't know when I'm having one and don't let the steam go out then it could be as if I had a perpetual mini-shutdown that just creeps on day after day.

So can anybody relate to this? For those who are mild, what does a shutdown feel like? How do you recover from it? I just tried meditating with sound-blocking headphones playing relaxing music and a pair of shorts over my face to make it go dark and it worked surprisingly well, but in any case when you go through a shutdown, how do you know it's over and you're fully recovered until next one comes?
Thanks

I call it "running out of social" and it happens when everything is so loud and intense and there are too many people and I have to be by myself to recharge. I'm guessing that's what you're talking about. I could easily be wrong. Anyway, all I have to do is go sit in a quiet place alone for ten minutes or so, and then I'm alright.

I can relate. Sometimes I can just do the 10 minute break thing but sometimes I need more time if I am under a lot of stress from having to do a lot of processing.

It's different from depression because I know I am exhausted and overwhelmed. I usually also have the simultaneous feeling that I am about to explode or implode and yes I find it hard to communicate. Plus at times I can feel emotional but more overwhelmed and confused and frustrated all at once.

I just run from it because I can't handle it so I don't do it. It's either meltdown or shutdown. I didn't even know I had them until my mother told me so it's hard for me to describe mine. So I guess there are different levels of them and some are worse than others and the ones I had read on here were the severe cases so I took it literal thinking all shut downs are like that and thought I never had them.

It varies for me. There's always a sense of just being just mentally blasted out. There's nothing in my head and I'm just grasping from moment to moment, but I'll start humming a repetitive phrase of a song involuntarily a lot. I can't make eye contact. Sometimes I can't respond if I'm addressed, but there's at least a delay. I feel panicky, and disassociated at the same time.
It'll take me a couple hours to a day to snap out of it. At my worst, I'll curl up in bed and sleep, or just stare at the tv, and half watch half zone out. When I come out of it, it's like a fog has cleared and a weight has lifted.

I think it varies for me, depending on the circumstances.

If I spend too much time socializing or in an overstimulating environment, I get tired and need to withdraw for a while. I might "zone out" or feel a sudden surge of anxiety or panic. Depending on the stimulus or what triggered it, I might end up not wanting to speak for a while (though I am still verbal). Some time alone in a quiet place usually helps; how much down time I need may vary from a half an hour to an entire day.

I do occasionally have episodes that cause me to go nonverbal or nearly nonverbal, though. They are sometimes preceded by meltdowns, and they're usually only trigged by certain things. These usually last a few hours; I end up making people around me upset when I'm like this, though, because they think I'm mad with them or something.

Hope it's okay; I'm just going to C&P part of what I wrote on a previous thread. (with a couple of words changed)

I withdraw entirely. I shut down. It's hard to speak, and my speech doesn't really have any emotional affect. (I do mean "affect" there, not "effect" on a person.) My body feels numb, I curl up, head in hands. I don't stim, except maybe neck-picking, if I'm still trying to communicate. The world recedes, seems kind of glazed over, dulled, away. My hands might shake, but, usually, my body just freezes up and draws into itself. I usually have to fall to the floor to sit, if there is nowhere near for me to sit, or lay in bed, and it is very difficult to get myself to do anything. If I'm forced to act when I'm in a state like this, forced to speak, forced to do things, it has an effect on my functioning for a long, long time, because it feels like my body is just a marionette going through the stereotypes of what I should be doing, while my mind is elsewhere; it's a very unhealthy state, which I will feel later, probably with a reaction more like meltdown. Afterwards, I feel hung over, body full of pain, head in a fog, emotionally dulled, for days.


For a computer analogy, (forgive me, I am NOT a computer expert, but this does come to mind) shutdown feels like blue-screening. Say, there are too many negative stimuli (viruses...a barrage of insane pop-up ads, on your poor old Windows computer.) The computer freaks out, stops doing anything you want it to. It has two options--continue freaking out, while you try to wrestle it back to computer sanity, closing programs forcibly, ctr; alt; del'ing like a madman...or, it gives up the ghost and blue screens. While blue screening will give you a chance to "reset" the computer, and, when the computer is successfully reset and rebooted, it may seem to work correctly....truly, the "reset" doesn't solve the underlying issues that caused the "blue screen of death" in the first place. The viruses/lack of functionality/whatever else that caused the computer to freak out in the first place are still there, and if you don't take the post-reboot "healthy" computer time to fix those issues (getting rid of stressors) you'll end up with the same problem, and right back to "blue screen." (But, as we all know...or at least anyone old enough to have had an old Windows, ha! seeing that blue screen was an inevitable part of owning and running the computer. i.e., we'll all have a meltdown/shutdown now and then. It's just how we work. The symptoms may vary, but. then, so do our stressors and stress-relieving habits.)

I can only think of a few times where I've had a full fledged meltdown, and that was the worst. I don't actually remember what was happening exactly to cause it other than that it was another sleepless night during a week of insane stress. I got out of bed and the room was spinning. The rest of the night is a blur but I was hand flapping like crazy and pacing back and forth until my parents heard the racket I was making and they talked me back into bed.

That was a few years ago and luckily nothing that bad has happened since, but on a daily basis I get a lot of times where overload causes my mood to drop and it becomes harder than usual to convey thought. This usually happens when my family goes out to eat (restaurants are so loud).

in own view,its possible autistic shutdowns coud actualy be conversion disorder.
conversion disorder is anxiety/stress/mental issues which are sub conciously turned into symptoms,possibly so the issue can expressed, and also be witnessed by an outsider.
conversion disorder attacks can look like:

SteelBlu, I enjoyed your computer analogy.

During my shutdowns, I am still able to talk, but, like grahamguitarman, I am much less inclined to do so (when I do talk during a shutdown, my voice is considerably softer and flatter, and my speech may become a bit more garbled). My "visual snow" (seeing "static" in one's field of vision) becomes much worse; I find it more difficult to move to the point where it almost resembles catatonia (sometimes, I almost have to convince myself to move; I am able to function if I "have" to). The emotion driving the shutdown usually starts off as sadness or frustration, but it quickly fades to numbness. The world in general becomes "fuzzier," but sounds that usually only slightly annoy me (such as the air conditioner or water running) may become nearly intolerable. Sometimes, I will rock myself for comfort, but that is only when I am alone. At home, I often lay down during a shutdown, which results in a near-thoughtless stillness that often results in me falling asleep. Though I do sometimes shutdown myself to sleep at a friend or relative's house, the more common reaction is to aimlessly flip through Facebook (which only marginally helps) or pace around and seek solitude (I always gravitate towards solitude during a shutdown when solitude can be found). Sleep is usually the only true way to end my shutdowns, though food or water may help if I had not eaten or drunk much that day.


KingdomOfRats, thank you for sharing the correlation between conversion disorder and shutdowns.

I would have no clocks around me or be aware what day/time it is.What this does is create an illusion that i dont know much of apart from that i feel as if i live alone in the world and it happens frequently that i do it.I usually shutdown after every conversation i have with somebody regardless of how lon i had talked to someone.

No formal diagnosis, but I think I may have autism/AS.

I don't get a headache. I either begin to feel exhausted or anxious, depending on what is causing me to shut down. I get anxious with too many people around, loud sounds/bright lights, too many different sounds at once, difficulty explaining myself/understanding verbal speech, and getting stuck in unexpected social situations when I don't know how to act. I usually become tired with longer duration - for example, when I am with friends and the conversation carries on, eventually I start to withdraw and stare at something while I think.

When I am anxious, I start discharging my emotions if I can't get away. Usually, I start yelling and swearing, and sometimes I throw things. Rarely, I become self-inflicting. Sometimes, instead, I become depressed and apathetic. When I am tired, I usually withdraw into my own mind until somebody confronts me and asks if I am paying attention.

My Aspergers is mild.
Shutdown (tumultarious surroundings): I simply don´t react. I just stand there, thinking "I got to get out". Sometimes the surroundings go greyish.
Afterwards I feel like crying.

I might never have had a meltdown. I don´t remember.

(*Duplicate from another thread--also, with a few changes*)

The world seems to get too bright and loud, then start to fade out--hearing muffled, and not really noticing much around me. Then, my thinking seems to turn off completely and I'm operating on automatic pilot. Occasionally, my heart will start racing, like I'm having a panic attack at the same time.

Sometimes I want to cry or scream for no discernible reason at all. I can usually wait until I get someplace private.

Occasionally, I then will cry and scream, usually in my bathroom, ranting and raving about some random thing that made me angry and/or upset either that day, the previous day or even a week ago--things tend to "build up" until they explode.

They're usually brought on by stress, exhaustion and/or sensory overload. Most of the time, no one ever sees them (I'm a bit of a control freak ).

Addendum: "social overload" also makes sense (for example: after an 8-hour shift at Walmart). "Mindfog" is a perfect description; also, "migraine without the pain."