Why I Lived in Denial for so long

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Next week I will be meeting a support worker and also next week will be going to an Autistic support group for the first time. Something I personally think I should of done a long time ago.

There are reasons why I have not seeked over the years the main reason was I was living in denial and for a long time wanted to disassociate myself my diagnosis.

Things have been happening in my personal life recently that has made realise I can deny anymore I have been a lot of anxiety issues due to thinking about my future. Also my nephew has recently been diagnosed as being Autistic and ADHD as well and before he was diagnosed he did tell me that I was his role model and since his diagnosis I know I need to make changes as I don’t want him going into denial either.

I was diagnosed with AS in 1997 and was put into an Autistic Unit in a mainstream school. I found my diagnosis and the Education Departments recommendation for being in that class. Reasons were: I don’t always give eye-contact, I was very selective with who I spoke to, get anxious over changes, does not understand the different tones in people’s voices, and needs reminding what is fantasy and what is reality. They were some of the reasons I was put into a Communication Provision.

Whilst at school I got on well but I did sometimes hear the whispers from people outside with words like ‘those freaks’ ‘those weirdos’ in that class etc. I left that school due to relocation and when I moved I had to go through a diagnosis to be told I wasn’t Autistic at all it was a mistake. It wasn’t until I got to college that I realised I couldn’t relate to anyone I had trouble fitting in, I had days off due to anxiety. I would say things to my mum like ‘I am the only sane person in the world.’ To which her response was to sent me to the Doctor’s to get another diagnosis. Got diagnosed and it turns out the original one was correct.

By the time I had the diagnosis this time around I was working full time in retail and for certain reasons the bosses there needed to know under the recommendations of the psychologist. After the shops revelation about me. I was treated to verbal bullying by one of the bosses. That boss was really nice to me the day before the diagnosis but after changed towards. That it lead me to hand in my notice.

Since then I have only worked voluntarily as I have so much anxiety about working full time. Also for a long time I tried to pretend that I haven’t got a diagnosis all because of bullying.

But now I have decided not to live in denial and am now seeking help. Something, again I wished I’d done a long time ago.

Should I tell the support worker next week what I have said here.

I'm sorry to hear about the bullying at your job in retailing and you needing to leave it. When I was in school people whispered and bullied and I wasn't even in a special class - I guess my "difference" was rather obvious back then before I learned to mask it... I'm not familiar with support workers, but if their role is to help you, and if what you tell them is confidential, it seems to make sense to me to relate your story to them. I worked for about 40 years and I never told my bosses or coworkers that I'm autistic or that I have PTSD. I don't understand why the bosses at your full-time retail job needed to know about an autism diagnosis. Did the psychologist say why they recommended this? I worked in systems and software engineering and was a manager and there were times my job was very difficult and it must have puzzled my coworkers why certain things were so hard for me while I excelled at other aspects of my job. Like if a person gave me a quick verbal description of steps required to install a piece of software we were working on and to then use it, I would write it down as fast as I could because my verbal processing and short-term memory have big limitations. So I would do my very best and sometimes have to ask them to repeat the instructions or to have me go through the actions myself while they gave the instructions. I was afraid they would think I didn't appreciate their instructions or wasn't paying attention. But I don't think them knowing I was autistic would have helped in those regards anyway. One reason one of your former boss might have been really nice to you up until your diagnosis was revealed but then became verbally bullying is that they might have believed they were being compelled to provide special treatment or treat you in a way that they weren't comfortable with. Many folks are naturally supportive and kind, but unfortunately a large fraction of people don't understand autism or what it means to be tolerant and supportive of the special needs of autistics. My old psychologist never suggested I tell people at work about my autism - she encouraged me to be cautious. The counselor I see now has suggested I tell people at the church I'm active in about being autistic and I have and it has been totally no big deal, which is a huge relief. But at work it was a mixed bag because by not telling people, I had to "act normal" and really push myself very hard - much harder than others - but over time I adapted and even excelled. In my personal life though, I would like to be more authentic with people. The only reason I can imagine your psychologist suggesting informing your bosses is that the work was in retail and they thought autism might affect how you were interacting with customers.

I think as with retail. It could well have something to do how Interact with customers. Example of one incident. Where I worked there was a photo development counter and there was no one manning that station. a customer asked me if there was any service on that counter to which I replied abruptly ‘no!’ Went back to what I was doing then realised what I did and told the customer that I will call someone as I wasn’t trained for that area. There’d Be other instances when customers would if I worked there and I would look at the logo on the uniform and answer ‘yes.’

I am also active in a church and the people around me are aware also and respect me for who I am.