I was diagnosed with Asperger's at the age of 3 according to my mother. At the age of 16 my grandmother told me that my father yelled at me and my half brother who is fully austistic,(he cannot speak and currently is about 24) when we were babies saying things like "I can't stand you!" My father has always had anger issues. Him and my mother seprated when I was 5 and I've lived with my mother and grandmother ever since.
Growing up, my grandmother and mother took good care of me, my grandmother was strict and my mother was more loose, a tug of war of attitudes. In elementary school, I was a top student, had virtually all A's, and was pretty much confident all around, didn't care at all what others thought of me. Although authoritative figures I have always been somewhat careful around in my interactions.
In the 5th grade, my mother told me about how during the parent teacher conference my teacher had said that the only thing I needed to work on was my speech. He said I would mumble often and it would be hard to understand me. After that day, it seemed like my speech got worse. I would consistently be told my mother to enunciate. It seemed like people had even more time understanding me. I was referred to a school speech therapist because they thought I wad nervous when I spoke but that was NOT the case. I felt fine.
My mother would point out often that a lot of things I said were odd or I shouldn't say it because it sounds weird(words like grody that my 10 year old self used). I remember one day at my local Target, I had talked to my mother and I was wondering if the people who we were walking past thought what I said was weird or unusual. This issue would grow over time.
A few months later, it happened: the birth of my social anxiety. I will never forget the day. I walked into the classroom one morning, and felt more self conscious than ever before up to that day. Everyone looked at me, I froze up and I started walking to my seat very stiffly. Someone pulled my chair out for me. I was anxious when I walked around in public. It only got worse through the years, anxiety over the way I talked, sat, looked around, looked at people, did things in front of others and other things. Anxiety makes me clumsy, forgetful, unfocused, and leads me to saying stupid or lackluster things out of desperateness so that I am not perceived ad the quiet one who will be rejected, treated unfairly, or singled out.I tried meditation a lot when I was 14 and 15. The increased self awareness of my quirks and social challenges only magnified my anxieties. There is constant pressure in social situations for me to perform well.
I have learned to mask my anxiety to a large extent in high school and college so far, but pretending to look serious and calm, or even mad when I'm really fighting it back so as to not look afraid.
Does anyone believe that my father's yelling at me as a baby and the discussion of my speech issues in the 5th grade, amongst the other early life factors during the 5th grade lead to my development of anxiety?
Perhaps my perceived need to hide my flaws and my low self worth from my father's verbal abuse was key. Masking my Asperger's so that people will be less likely to reject me. People thinking I'm quiet and shy, when in fact I have much I could say, but special interests, obsessive thinking make it hard to think much about other topics and thus conversation hard to maintain.
I am 22 now and I feel ashamed. I have tried introspection, supplements, meditation, tried starting up my own CBT a few times but felt it wasn't specific enough for my situation. A therapist is too risky. A lot of money for possible incompetence. Angry at people for berating me for my anxieties. My mother, grandmother, friends, scolding me for my nervousness. Aggravating, resentment. I know that I can't live like this.
My lack of assertiveness is probably linked to my issues early life as well. If I stopped hiding my symptoms so much, and learned skills for asserting myself, could it turn things around?
01 Aug 2018, 11:28 am
