meltdowns and the feels to follow

Post Reply New Topic

today my brain fried itself out like it does sometimes, and i freaked out around people like i shouldn't have...

my mom actually gave me one of her famous lines, "you're not going to do this to me again"

which always makes me feel weird bc i really just want everything to stop doing things to me, and if i'm ever running around or scratching myself or tapping my head on stuff and things, i know it's not healthy, but how can i be hurting her? i honestly don't even feel pain when i get like that, and i can't tell how loud i'm being so i know i must be doing stuff that's not good for me...but why does she take it like i'm doing something to her when i just want everything to stop?

if anything, i really just am reaching out for help and trying to calm myself and it all comes out wrong and people think i'm escalating but it's just like i gotta let it get all out or it just lasts longer and i don't think anyone is going to understand this or reply, which is just gonna make me feel worse so idk why i'm writing this...

but words don't wanna come out of my mouth right now, and talking to people i know will just make me feel more guilty for always ruining people's lives the way i do in my moods.

and now i'm so physically drained that all i can do is think about the mess i've caused again...


i'm not crazy i promise, i just can't figure out why my head doesn't work right...i'm such a logical person who rarely gets overly emotional so why do i explode like a psycho? why can't i f*****g control myself?


and why do i even have hope that someone will see this and message me and tell me they get it? when i know that no one ever really will....


i'm just spinning in space...

If I was your grandfather, I'd have a lot to say to your mother. She should have said "Oh, no! It's happening to us again!" and tried to help. When I'm about to snap, what I need is permission to withdraw. Ideally, I'm curled up, but someone has a hand on my shoulder just resting, not pulling, so I know they will deal with anything I can't.
Sometimes a "snap" can be the amygdala taking control when nothing else makes sense. One tactic is to get used to "the limits to crazyness" - if others are not reacting strongly, maybe things are safer than they look. A good general strategy is to eliminate some stressers, and make up for the others. Packaged food in general is addictive, unhealthy, and bad for your attention span. Likewise for excess screen time.
Sleep time is when your brain flushes out the waste it generates. Getting plenty is the cheapest way to feel better, if you can. I learned to meditate around voting age, but I wondered why most people didn't seem to need it. Now, I see it as a supplement to sleep, to take care of the much greater stimulation of modern life.

Can a mod please help me delete this...