Have you ever been spoken to like this?

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I'm just trying to process what actually just happened...

I work in an industrial office, and from time to time I bump into a woman who works here, much older than me (perhaps 10-15 yrs difference) and she's always chatty, but I always also feel a hidden patronising tone from her. Like when I dyed my hair black (which i do from time to time) and she mentioned she'd thought i'd gone 'goth'. Which if anyone actually knew me they know I spent my teen years and early twenties in that scene anyway and I still listen to that genre of music. It just felt like she was talking to a little kid. Now today, it's friday, it's dress down day and I'm wearing a pair of boots (which i sometimes wear) that zip up the sides and I like to wear them half zipped with jeans. She enters the kitchen where I am making my cup of tea, the cleaner in tow. She see's me, turns to the cleaner and says: "He means business today, he's got his big boots on!"

I can't help but question exactly how people really see me? I've been spoken to and about on a similar level from other people before, some more polite than others, but never so blatantly. I have recently not been able to help but wonder just how other people see me, do they look at me and see 'simple'? Do i fit into what people see as 'special'? It's not really been something I've thought about much before until recently where I'm beginning to pick up on how I'm treat by other people and how I have been treat all my life. I don't see anyone else even remotely my age get spoken to (or about) like that. As if I am a child. I know I feel deep down like a child constantly and I do my best to be as adult as I can... But this is just one of the things that make me feel like I'm on an entirely different plain to everyone else around me.

No, I haven't been spoken to like that by other adults. Usually when my co-workers talked to or about me in a negative manner it was downright vicious.

Do you think perhaps you come across as appearing much younger than you are? It could be that the perceived age difference is greater than you think, and that the older lady simply thinks you're just a young whippersnapper and is being condescending. "Kids these days, I tell you."

OTOH it could very well be that others see something that they think is "not quite right" or "special." It's hard to guess without witnessing your interactions with the people in question.

Either way it sounds like she's trying to make nice conversation but is coming across as patronizing instead. I bet she's not even aware that she's doing it.

I suggest calling her out on it... politely, so as not to cause bad blood. Perhaps something like, "Do you know my age?" Maybe she doesn't, and would be surprised that she's been talking to a mature adult as if you were in your late teens (STILL not cool. Who talks about other people in the third person while standing right in front of them? She's got some social issues of her own there). Or if you suspect the second scenario, perhaps something like, "Mrs. So-and-So, I really appreciate that you go out of your way to make conversation with me. Do you realize that sometimes you address me as if I was a child? I'm sure it's not intentional and you mean well. It just comes across that way, and I would be very grateful if you could address me as an adult. Thank you for understanding. It means a lot to me."

And if she / they don't listen... screw 'em. Ignore them and carry on about your business.

I know, I know, easier said than done.

most of the time at work, to survive I just silently regarded many if not most of my fellow drones, as akin to upright-walking furless barking dogs. I kept my distance and did my best to hide in plain sight. whatever blather that came out of their gobs I filtered for keywords related to work requirements, the rest of it went into the cognitive circular file.

I went to a boot sale last month and one of the sellers got me to get them a cup of hot chocolate, which made me wonder.

Often when strangers get scared they make a beeline for me too, which is flattering.

The woman at work just sounds a bit boring , I wouldn't sweat it.

Oh, and to answer your question, it happens a lot, I feel like I've become public property somehow

When I was a teen in school other kids always talked to , and about me, like I was a ret*d.

But that's not been the case since the tenth grade. Don't get other grown ups doing that on the job now.

The first comment,"I thought you had gone goth!", just sounds like she was trying to make conversation. Don't see why you couldn't have just gone ahead and conversed with her, and done so by telling her what you told us about your goth tendencies.

The second thing, "she means business", is kinda weird. It does sound like something a grown up might say to another grown up about some cute little kid in front of them. But it could be that is just making another, and this time really klutzy, attempt to make small talk. Might be meant condescendingly, or it might not be. Hard to tell from text. But like others have said above, don't sweat it.

The two comments you quoted from the woman you work with, they really sounded like (slightly awkward) conversational openers to me. You could ignore them, parry them, deflect them or address them. For instance, by saying "Sheila, you just don't get me, do ya?" or "Thanks for the narration!" Or you could address them at root by telling Sheila, privately, "I know you're just trying to be friendly and inclusive, but could you stop commenting on my appearance?" (I just made up the name Sheila.)

Really I think she could have been a lot more patronizing, if that was what she was trying to do. I really think she didn't mean any harm by it - from the way you described it and from the quotes you used.

I would say simply: People "be talking just to be talking."

Some people want to be the "top dog." They go about achieving this through making condescending/patronizing remarks.

Like others have said, I would just deflect them, and maybe come up with your own witty retort.

When I was a lad, whenever I heard comments like that, I found myself suddenly angry, defensive and puzzled. "What does she mean? What does she want from me? What does she get from comments like that? Is she trying to offend me? Maybe she is attracted? WTH is that??! !!"

Most of the time, the remarks were actually harmless. People weren't trying to annoy me. They were just trying to talk to me, but since they never knew me well, they would make whatever random comments about my clothes or the hair or the music.

I suggest two different courses of action. I'll start with the most difficult, though probably most effective one.

I think you should make tea for two and start a simple conversation about the weather. I know chit-chat isn't exactly anyone's preferred route around here, but this is not the time to go into deep conversation and questioning. When you meet her in the kitchen next time, offer her some tea and engage into simple chat. You don't like being patronised, so show her that you are a grown up.

Keep your mind open. If at any time she starts patronising you, ask: "do you have little kids? sometimes you talk to people like that, I can't help but think that you have small toddlers at home or something". Don't be angry, don't be excessively shy, don't rush, just be polite and get to know her a bit. Do this patiently and you'll figure out how or what the woman sees in you.

If you don't like that suggestion - and I can see why you wouldn't - just wait until one day she will tell you. Anyway, don't get angry and confused about it. You don't have enough evidences as to whether she is an "enemy". Maybe she likes fashion, loves your clothes, likes goth music... or maybe she is fond of younger people that she can patronise. This would be bad but see, there's no real danger in that. There's no need to be rude or angry.

It's been interesting to read what other people have to say about this. If I had to take a guess I would say that she likes you and probably thinks that she is being friendly or funny.

I wouldn't confront her about it if I were you. She might just want to have a joke with you, not at your expense. Tell her you were in a goth band and that you had a couple of hits on the 90's.

Roll with it, don't over think it and see if it's just her sense of humour.

That's certainly what I meant, yeah. Perfect.

i get that schtick a lot... they usually don't mean any harm, they're just trying to connect, the only way they know how, to people they know little about, so open with a generic tease... as i say: satire is like a proof by contradiction; they don't classically mean the specific verbiage; it's essentially an icebreaker... often, i think, the paradigm (of oddball/inequality being valid) is so cemented in their heads, they think they're being welcoming, and probably feeling a little generous offering a little friendly sarcasm, but that may be the most satire they're capable of or familiar with... could be worse, we're not in dungeons anymore... i do indeed imagine it's but a fraction of what people of color go through every day, in empire occupied zones; we learn to take/accept it, not at face value, but the going exchange rate intended, if only for the time being... it's excruciating, but what is required is friendly reciprocation: anything less than standard acceptance (of them and their anything) will inspire a good old "well, i tried" (which might just be preferable for them, thus worth that much trouble) - they don't have to be (even that) nice, they're already normal/worthy - they already know we can't compete in that arena, they get the gold for most normal - and they can't help but judge, disparagingly - but this is where a relationship with them has to start: it's their foyer; (to extend the symbolism) while we may have helipads on our roofs, or teleportation chambers in our living rooms and offices, as appropriate: they're still working with the modus they've been issued, and it works for them - conformity may never be our strong suit, but it will always be their metric, to one degree or another, how much respect or not they're required by some unwritten but immutable law to observe - maybe it's a form of emotional/social maturity that drifts us away from such hollow edicts, allows more flexibility; but it's probably never come up for them, and they'll likely never imagine it ever has to... that would be a catharsis, and how cool are those? ...it's easier for me, my muggle is descending into dementia via the ravages o time; so it often presents that these restrictions are not really sane therefore nor binding, but i am weighed on the values of previous millennia, which informs me what else i have which shall remain unwelcome...