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complexsimple
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19 Oct 2018, 10:42 pm

I really need for my husband and I to make changes before it's too late.
He's very fussy about small details, how can I cope with this? He's always trying to 'educate me' on better ways of doing things.
How can I make him understand my needs?

I want him to do things I like without complaining about it. How can we compromise?

Can anyone give some advice on how to live harmoniously?

What can I do to help him understand when he's being insensitive and acting inappropriately.
I don't quite feel connected and feel quite lonely in the relationship.



traven
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20 Oct 2018, 2:30 am

as someone said:
don't expect anything
expectations kill relations

otoh i know what you mean, my father was too much like that, maybe you could learn both that being judgemental (having an opinion and making that law) isn't exactly a virtue, or a good position, it's more a defense reflex

maybe discus, help, setting good boundaries and how to work with them, is a way to get him to be more tolerant and less intrusive



Piobaire
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20 Oct 2018, 5:54 am

Y'all really need to talk. As in sit down, turn off the phones, in-depth talk. I would suggest literally setting up a meeting, as distraction-free as possible with plenty of time. I would preface your comments with your commitment to the relationship, and how everyone in a relationship needs to feel like they're heard and that their feelings are validated, and that you really need him to focus and hear you right now. I would try to focus in as non-judgmental a way as possible upon needs and feelings; I need to feel ______; when you __________, I feel _______. Encourage him to do the same. Some folk are very set in their ways; almost to the point of mild OCD. It might be one way he manages anxiety. However, relationships require a certain degree of flexibility and adaptation to meet the legitimate needs and aspirations of your partner. You may need to model some behavior, ask leading questions; ask reflective questions ("how does that make you feel?" "how do you think that makes me feel?" "If I did that to you, how would that make you feel?"), and repeatedly reassure him of your commitment to him and the relationship, but your legitimate need for commitment, too. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. You have a right to be heard, you have a right to have your feelings validated, you have a right to be treated with kindness, consideration, and respect in any relationship; and especially in a marital one, and the only person responsible for getting your needs met is yourself. Choose your battles wisely; prepare a short list of what's negotiable for you and what's not. A great deal of relationships is focusing on the positive and not sweating the small stuff, and it helps to maintain a certain generosity in determining what constitutes small stuff.
This is a process, and like any other negotiations will require further practice and repetition. Like any negotiation, it requires both parties to buy in to the process. You might try to sell a commitment to the process as a commitment to cultivating a deeper relationship with one another. Personally, I'd try to refrain from couching it in terms of preserving the relationship (unless of course that's actually what we're talking about. If that's the case, state it as clearly and unambiguously as possible. Make sure he fully comprehends the stakes on the table).
You might consider seeking out some professional help to facilitate these discussions, but these discussions clearly need to take place.
Best of luck to you both.



BTDT
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20 Oct 2018, 9:11 am

Aspies need clear communication. Hints and body language are typically useless, unless your aspie is unusually advanced socially. So don't bother.

How you do that is up to the both of you. Some aspies do work well with text and written lists, but every aspie is different.



Canadian Penguin
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20 Oct 2018, 10:25 pm

Tell him how you feel.

If you're trying to hint, it may not work. We suck at that.

If my wife tells me something she'd like me to do, I'll try and accommodate the wish the best I can.

If she wants me to go for a night of dancing, that's probably not going to happen. Fortunately, it's not something my wife likes either :)

A night visiting some of her friends. Won't be my favorite thing to do, but I'll try. Something defined will be easier than "y'know, we should see my friends". Saying "On Saturday night, I'd like us to go visit <name> and it would mean a lot to me if we could both go" is going to work better.

If he does it, let him know how much you appreciate it and future times should be easier.


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