Partner wont seek disagnosis for Aspergers

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Hi,
I have recently seperated from my partner (of 7 years & we have a 3 Y.O. son) whom I believe has Aspergers. We had been in couples counselling with a psychologist and about 6 months ago i raised the issue of my partner potentially having Aspergers which I believe was potential cause of our issues (differences in communication - things were "her way or the highway', lack of reciprocity and making me feel like i didnt have a voice in the relationship). I had done considerable reserarch on the subject before making this assertion.

Whilst she didnt take offence to the raising of this and initially said she was open to speaking with a counsellor that specialises in Aspergers, she later refused. Due to this and the ongoing difficulties I chose to leave the relationship. The problem is I love this woman dearly and really want us to be a family, but the pain and suffering I feel when within the relationship has caused me to now being treated for depression.

I love this woman immensely and am open to working with her to address the issues but without her at least being open to investigating whether she may have Aspergers I cant see a way forward for us. Can anyone suggest a way I could get her to be open to speaking with a counsellor that specialises in Aspergers?

Maybe emphasizing that it really isn't a bad thing would help. I know what prevented me from being diagnosed years earlier was the perception that it was somehow negative. Explain that 1) She might not even have it and 2) Even if she does, it's OK. It's not a disease; it's just a neurological difference which is totally fine.

I think nobody can tell much without knowing her but sorry it sounds to me that is it you who has the problem. Even if she has Aspergers you had to accept her the way she is then because there isn't a cure for this.
On the opposite some women do behave this way if you occure to much of a wimp to her. You have to become mentally stronger and more independent of her. So she makes you just for fun her pet because you do anything to please her instead having an independent opinion and goals and you don't even get it.
Here for you

Do you need a little bit of help with your mentally problems?

...Oh ...........

Watch this video about Aspergers in girls https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfOHnt4PMFo first and let her watch it. If it fits her she may want to consult a specialist.

Even if she admits she's still on the spectrum, she'll have to be open to trying to work on herself & change in order for you guys not to have the same problems you had before. Perhaps it would help if you could find a couples counselor who has experience dealing with autism assuming she's still willing to go. If she isn't, it may be too late to save the realtionship because she may of given up

Quote from the opening post:
Can anyone suggest a way I could get her to be open to speaking with a counsellor that specialises in Aspergers?

I wouldn't suggest that you attempt to do this at all. Your ideas are speculative, and trying to coerce a partner into counselling is a disastrous concept, which she will perceive as manipulative on your part and an attempt at side stepping on your part re your part in marital difficulties.

It would seem a much wiser course to seek qualified individual counselling for yourself, to discuss why you have these beliefs about her, and whether pressuring her into counselling on the basis of your belief is likely to be beneficial or create greater stress for her.

Worst case of "getting her to..." is that by manipulating her into an assessment because you want it, you could destroy any respect she has for you, an unwise step if you want to improve the relationship.

What differences in communication? I agree with B19, but I'm curious because what you wrote could apply to the partners I had who seemed undiagnosed borderline/narcissist. I have the ASD traits, but they were frequently non-reciprocal, only believed in their way, and didn't care at all what I said or felt once they thought they had me. What specifically makes you think ASD? And could she have pretended to be open to that to string you along?

I agree with B19. And...if she is an aspie many of the behaviors are not going to change. These behaviors are part and parcel of autism. It will be you who has to learn to accept her the way she is.

Yes, my partner went to therapy to help her deal with her issues and it wasn't covered by insurance.
Once it was figured out that I had autism she figured it wouldn't make any sense for me to go. The problem was her trying to change my ways, but it was inevitable that nothing would stick.

People with autism frequently are capable of adapting to their environment. They are not static beings who will never learn and never change.

Without you coming across as an egotistical jerk? No.

Chances are that you have already ruined the relationship far beyond any hope of recovery.

Best thing for you to do is accept the fact that it's over and move on.

I agree with you totally. I am quite a different person than when I was younger and have learned a lot of important skills. In this case, though, in a marriage relationship and with the OP's interest in changing her, I thought it better to focus on the likelihood of change being remote.

Both my husband and I agree that had we met when either of us were younger, we would not have even liked each other. And like another poster said, basically my husband sticks with me in spite of all my aspie things that irritate others. I have no idea why.

Wish that was said loud and clear everywhere as often as possible, until the message gets through, to the general populace, ambitious researchers, medical personnel, media, psychologists and even the AS community as a whole. I would also like some of those groups to know that AS adults don't exist in a perpetual state of childhood living in adult bodies. It's 2018 and these facts still haven't decisively penetrated the minds containing the myths, stigma and prejudice of the great mass out there.

Yeah the very idea is ridiculous. Personally, I've gone through enormous change since my diagnosis back in July. College and learning more about myself has really mad things better for me.

I can think of two possible reasons for her reluctance:

1. Given that you have a child, she might be afraid that you might eventually use the diagnosis against her in a child custody dispute.

2. She might feel generally on the defensive, perhaps feeling that you are blaming her for all the problems in the relationship.

Instead of continuing to push her to look into "Aspergers" (now known as just "Autism Spectrum Disorder"), perhaps you should consider looking for other possible ways forward. For example, if you and she have not done so already, you might suggest to her that BOTH you and she (NOT just she) work on improving all of the following sets of communication skills:

- "Active listening"
- "Assertiveness" (as opposed to both passivity and aggressiveness)
- Giving and receiving constructive criticism
- Conflict resolution

Googling any of the above will bring up a bunch of tutorials.

She might be willing to look into ASD later, after you've gotten on generally better terms.

In the meantime, if you and she are not already using techniques in the above-listed categories, they will likely help a lot. I believe I'm probably autistic (on waiting list for diagnosis), but I've been able to handle most problems in my relationships with the help of these kinds of techniques.