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Dear_one
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27 Dec 2018, 3:52 pm

A middle-aged friend of mine who lives on a family farm recently learned that he is still being treated badly over a dispute between his deceased father and his uncles that happened before he was born.



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02 Jan 2019, 12:08 pm

I guess it depends on the circumstances, reasons, length of time elapsed etc.

One of my daughters stopped talking to me 5 years ago, I've never really fully understood why despite talking it through with her at the time. At the time I was perplexed, sad, angry, and relieved (of the expectations of fatherhood). Now I'm 95% accepting, but still a little angry and sad. But I also admire her for acting on her own beliefs and values, and sometimes wish I had the courage to do the same.

As a child I was force-fed family family family (but only my mother's; I believe my dad is undiagnosed ASD and I didn't really notice that he had a family!). I struggled with that & now I really appreciate leading a very quiet life with the people whom *I* define as family.


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blazingstar
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02 Jan 2019, 9:51 pm

Dear_one wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I NEVER had a close relationship with anyone in my family including my parents when I lived with them. I only see my parents 3x a year since I moved across the country to be with my girlfriend. My parents make one trip up here & I go back down 2wice a year. I call my parents about ever 4 days cuz they want me to. We talk for maybe half an hour & they do most of the talking. I never call the rest of my family & I usually don't see anyone but my parents when I go down except for my grandparents, grandma now cuz my grandpa died about a year ago. I didn't make his funereal & I didn't make my aunt's when she died around this ThanxGiving. I think I'd be considered estranged from my extended family & I might even be considered estranged from my parents but not sure about that one. It doesn't really bother me for the most part & like I said I NEVER had a close realtionship with anyone in my family so it is what it is. I spend alot of my time with my girlfriend & that's what works for me.


Gosh, that sounds cozy. I stopped asking my parents for advice before I got to school. It was like living with assigned roommates one couldn't change. I didn't return from a summer job at 17, and lost track of my dad for a couple of years. I did look him up, but he was busy, and asked me to come back the next month, but died first. In my 40s, I discovered Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, and contacted my sister for the first time in 20 years. She said she knew, but hadn't told me. I wrote to mother four times a year, and on her deathbed, she asked why I had not gone back to school. She didn't know that dad had set impossible conditions for that. Her last words to me were "Don't call me, I'll call you."
My counsellor says I have an attachment disorder. I've had many relationships, but they don't last.


I disagree with your counselor. It isn't an attachment disorder when the people you are detaching from are so toxic. If I had to make a guess, you are too intelligent to last long in any relationship. There just aren't many people to choose from at your level. I could also be spitting in the wind.

I ran away to Canada when I was 15. I got assessed there by a Canadian psych-something whose conclusion was that leaving my family was SANE. May be the same for you.


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Dear_one
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02 Jan 2019, 10:25 pm

^^ That's a reasonable hypothesis, but I should add that I work well with shop helpers of average intelligence, as long as they are interested in learning. For a living partner, I would have been fine with common values, and a sensible use of our talents. It would be great to brainstorm with an equal intellect, but life isn't like a Heinlein novel - we have to deal with quite limited people most of the time.
My counsellor gave me the words "Attachment disorder" because I'd been saying "Romanian orphan syndrome." My older, NT sister had gotten some attention as a novelty, but AS mom decided that "baby talk" was stupid - she'd wait until I could speak English. Mother expected my sister to be my teacher so she wouldn't have to repeat herself, but sis was still missing being an only child. Mother was probably feeling overwhelmed by our noise, too. Whenever I was suffering from feelings, I'd just be quarantined until I got better. It is very unusual for me to turn to other people for comfort.
When I got the news that my father had died, weeks before we had planned a reunion, I got right back to what I'd been doing. When mother was dying, I had no urge to travel to see her, which my best-ever girlfriend found strange.



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02 Jan 2019, 10:28 pm

blazingstar wrote:
Dear_one wrote:
My counsellor says I have an attachment disorder. I've had many relationships, but they don't last.


I disagree with your counselor. It isn't an attachment disorder when the people you are detaching from are so toxic. If I had to make a guess, you are too intelligent to last long in any relationship. There just aren't many people to choose from at your level. I could also be spitting in the wind.

My guess would be, you're spitting in the wind. It is an attachment disorder when your immediate family, especially parents or caregivers, are toxic during your childhood, and what makes it a disorder is it repeats even when there are different people involved. "Too intelligent to last long in any relationship" is a red herring here - highly intelligent people are capable of lasting relationships, at least as much as more average people, and possibly more so.

Just my two cents worth.


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Dear_one
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02 Jan 2019, 10:39 pm

^^ I went to a lot of meetings for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, and heard about far more toxic parents. They were both poor teachers, but I'm not a typical student either, so I didn't pay a lot of attention at home, and they were content with happy to get on with their lives. They just set low standards, and didn't negotiate.



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02 Jan 2019, 11:54 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
blazingstar wrote:
Dear_one wrote:
My counsellor says I have an attachment disorder. I've had many relationships, but they don't last.


I disagree with your counselor. It isn't an attachment disorder when the people you are detaching from are so toxic. If I had to make a guess, you are too intelligent to last long in any relationship. There just aren't many people to choose from at your level. I could also be spitting in the wind.

My guess would be, you're spitting in the wind. It is an attachment disorder when your immediate family, especially parents or caregivers, are toxic during your childhood, and what makes it a disorder is it repeats even when there are different people involved. "Too intelligent to last long in any relationship" is a red herring here - highly intelligent people are capable of lasting relationships, at least as much as more average people, and possibly more so.

Just my two cents worth.


I think you misunderstood my statements. That said, you and I do come at psychiatry and psychology from very different perspectives. These statements were pertaining to Dear_One only and not everyone in general or attachment disorder in general. I think both points of view are valid.

In regards to relationships, again I may have been misinterpreting. In terms of relationships, I was referring to long lasting partnering relationships of whatever kind may apply to a individual person. It has been shown that in most long term successful relationships as above, partners are within 10 IQ points of each other. That does not mean it is always true, or it is a law that can't be broken. I do not have the "original" data because I read widely and make my own private determination on validity and you (and anyone else) can choose not to regard it. It was an observation that I thought, based on what I know about Dear_One after a year of reading posts. Not a clinical diagnosis or assessment.


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03 Jan 2019, 12:04 am

Dear_one wrote:
^^ I went to a lot of meetings for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, and heard about far more toxic parents. They were both poor teachers, but I'm not a typical student either, so I didn't pay a lot of attention at home, and they were content with happy to get on with their lives. They just set low standards, and didn't negotiate.


Like I said to Bea, it was only a thought to consider. OTOH, degree of dysfunction does not relate proportionally (necessarily) to the amount of damage done.

Relating to students or mentors, or patients or any role like that can be very rewarding, but are supposed to end. So that bit does not relate to your possible attachment disorder diagnosis.

I never meant to say that people of high intelligence will not be able to have relationships; obviously there are the ones just cited and many others. I meant to say that the field of available choices for partners for a long term stable relationship is far smaller the higher your IQ is (if you accept the 10 point spread.) If any or all of this was unhelpful, please disregard entirely. :D


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Dear_one
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03 Jan 2019, 12:31 am

When I was in those ACOA groups, I was puzzled at how much apparent damage I had from little abuse, just lack of nurture. Nobody there ever considered AS. In some ways, I still feel like a baby duck looking for a mama to follow. I put effort into making friends, but seldom really connect.
That's an interesting stat on marriage usually having a ten-point spread max on IQ. How about EQ? Mine are very lopsided, which I've only recently begun to fully appreciate.



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03 Jan 2019, 8:20 am

Dear_one wrote:
When I was in those ACOA groups, I was puzzled at how much apparent damage I had from little abuse, just lack of nurture. Nobody there ever considered AS. In some ways, I still feel like a baby duck looking for a mama to follow. I put effort into making friends, but seldom really connect.
That's an interesting stat on marriage usually having a ten-point spread max on IQ. How about EQ? Mine are very lopsided, which I've only recently begun to fully appreciate.


I don't know anything about EQ. I only heard of EQ after reading this forum. I think most people are lopsided, with variable skill levels for every human endeavor. Too often we let a perceived inadequacy dominate our assessments of others. Neglect is every bit as devastating as abuse. Abuse is at least attention. (Just generalizing here, not a comment to imply abuse is not ghastly and damaging)

I have few people that I truly connect with. I used to feel this as a sharp loss. I don't anymore. My connection to others is found in bits and pieces, spread over many situations. I get the sense of this connectedness like a glow of light or a warming in my heart when I realize a connection has been reached. Not explaining it very well. There may not be adequate words.


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03 Jan 2019, 8:50 am

Yeah, I think of people as being defined on something like a giant sound-mixing board. There are sliders for gender, and those usually affect many others, but they are all independent and not fully predictable. High empathy paired with low sympathy equals psychopathy. People can be wired for kinesthesia, or athletics, music, math, or ineptitude at them. We get an inclination for exploring vs hiding, giving vs hoarding, extroversion vs introversion and myriads of others. Then, the potentials have to be awoken at a suitable stage of development or they often stay dormant.

For most of my life, I thought that IQ and EQ were linked, but they are not. I can spend years just trying to put words to the most mundane habits, or understand a brief encounter. I thought that the smart kids were the ones who were socializing at the back of the bus, and that they were just kidding about having trouble with their lessons.

For me, a good wife would have been one who could handle the social affairs and coach me as required, while appreciating my technical abilities. If she were a genius in her own field, I think we could have found ways to have interesting conversations as well as intimate ones.



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03 Jan 2019, 1:08 pm

^^^^^ Agree with it all.


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04 Jan 2019, 12:39 am

I feel estranged from my family even though I visit my parents at least twice a month. I feel like the swastika below my British family name. I've felt that way since my mum tried to disown me, three years ago in February. My sister is the princess and I'm the swastika to the family name. It's okay. I'll get by. I always do. This is the year that I'll accept my German-ness.


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