Talking to (NT) people about your autism

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Interested to know others experiences of talking to NT friends/family etc about autism.

How many people do you know who you can talk to in a serious way?
How difficult is it to find the opportunity to have serious discussions about your life/condition/feelings etc etc?
How do NT people typically react to these discussions? Do they care? Do they understand?

I'm guessing (based on my own limited experience) that its very hard to find people who have the time/inclination/intelligence to discuss these complex and difficult problems and issues with. (I'm referring here more to family/friends rather than healthcare professionals).

I've been able to have very little conversation about (my) autism except with other people who have autism. My brother-in-law is the only NT who has ever shown any interest at all. He asked me what it was. Unfortunately I was freshly-diagnosed and so didn't know much about it myself, so the conversation didn't convey much of any value and was soon over. All my sister ever said when I told her of my DX was "well, we're all a bit mad really aren't we?" She meant well. I think she'd figured that any diagnosis of the mind must be some kind of madness, and so she sought to reassure me that I wasn't any more insane than the next man, to make me feel better. I wish I'd set her straight, but the moment had soon gone, and she's not very academically-minded.

I think one of the biggest problems is, as you suggest, that autism is so complicated that ordinary people can hardly be blamed for not wanting to go to the trouble of finding out much about it. Where would they even start? Frankly its deeper mysteries still baffle me after studying it for a decade or so.

But I'm still disappointed that they so rarely even ask. I once knew of a lady who similarly observed that it was rare that anybody she disclosed her epilepsy to would have the wit or compassion to ask about it.....she was very surprised and relieved when somebody actually asked "what should I do to help if you have a seizure?" For some reason we don't seem to be living in a very caring community, on the whole. In spite of its ribbon rituals and charity fundraising antics, society still seems pretty ableist to me, as judged by its day-to-day behaviour.

I also have to admit that my more autistic friends have made me want to kick them when their traits have cut across my own well-being too radically. I've sometimes had to fight quite hard against my negative feelings in that respect. We can be very annoying. Without good social skills, human relationships can become very painful. It's very hard for anybody else to see how hard an autistic person has to try just to keep their head above the water. Even from my vantage point as an Aspie, I don't always find it easy to like Aspies, so I'm not surprised that for many NTs there's a stigma attached to the label.

My NT family members know as much as they need to and accommodate. I'm not sure if it helps or hinders that I very rarely say 'because I'm autistic' and usually when I do, I'm very specific and say 'because I have light sensitivity' for eg.

My NT family who aren't real family like the kids that my stepdad raised before I was born, don't get it but they're virtual strangers to me.

I find it rare that members of the public get it unless they happen to have worked with people with Asperger's in the past. And if they've worked with severely autistic people, they ablesplain to me about how I'm not autistic.

I tend to have aspiedar though. Even with undiagnosed people, I seek them out.

The only aspie I know who's annoying is my stepdad. He means well. And my dad had a phase of sending sexist and racist jokes and wouldn't take the hint. I had to give him a rule and unfortunately the rule is 'no jokes' cos he doesn't get what racism and sexism are

When anyone asks it's very hard for me to explain what autism is and how it affects me.
If I say it's a communication and social difficulty they say "but you can talk to people" "lots of people have social difficulties" or something along the lines of "well I'm an introvert too".
The autistic people I know don't seem much better.
I don't mention it to anyone now unless it's a healthcare professional and I need to explain why I've just had a huge meltdown.

Thanks for the replies folks. Good to hear your experiences - they are broadly similar to my own tbh. Like everything to do with autism its a complex matter. Of course, like many 'mental' issues, autism is basically invisible and complex and not exactly treatable or curable.

Most people seem to find it hard to sympathise with problems that dont have obvious solutions that they can suggest in a discussion. People always want to say something positive to help when tbh most of the time I just want them to show that they are interested and care by just trying to understand autism issues and how it affects one's life.

Like ToughDiamond said about his sister, often people try to downplay the problem thinking that that will somehow reduce the problem, but it just has the effect of trivialising it and giving the impression they dont really take it seriously.

You always hear in the media and stuff when people have mental issues like depression etc that it is really important to talk about the problem and blah blah, but the reality is that in the real world people (even close family/friends) simply DON'T want to talk about these things - presumably because of factors like lack of opportunity, lack of intelligence/insight/sympathy, and lots of other reasons.

If you have a broken arm or some kind of physical illness people will generally ask you how you are and show concern for your wellbeing. How often does happen to autistic people?! Basically never. But like Toughdiamond said, autistic people are generally harder to sympathise with than people with other life problems because they generally aren't conventionally 'nice' and 'likeable'.

Last edited by Bernie76 on 23 Dec 2018, 4:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I prefer not putting at risk my, already fragile, relationships in "real" life by speaking about it.


I prefer reading on WP, there you find some people going through the same things, and some listening ears.

Yes this is another aspect to the whole thing. Is it worth the hassle of going through the whole awkward, difficult, maybe embarrassing etc etc process of 'coming out' as autistic to an NT acquaintance with all the potential difficulties that could cause. There's a reason autistic people try to act 'normal'!

I have one family friend I talked to about possibly being on the spectrum. She accepts me for who I am and treats me like a normal, intelligent person. That means the world to me.

But there is a difference between 'accepting' and 'understanding'.

I was diagnosed late at 39, but my son was diagnosed before me and I learned everything I could about it and shared it all with my husband. We both knew I was autistic before I got the diagnosis. Same with my boyfriend at the time. They have both pointed out to me when my autism and black and white thinking are causing issues. My husband gets it pretty much completely. My ex got it, but not completely. He ended up making negative statements and doing things that he knew would cause meltdowns (last minute changes I was not informed of AT ALL and then chastising me for doing something I had actively been told to do and which was a routine!) which he then got upset about.

Most of my other friends know because I refuse to hide who I am anymore. People either care and try to understand or I most likely don't need them and their drama in my life. There are a few people who are no longer in my life for exactly that reason. If they can't accept I'm autistic and expect me to act and react like an NT in all situations and then get pissed when I don't? Yah... I do not need that stupidity and ableism in my universe, thank you very much. However I've also figured out a few friends might be on the spectrum somewhere themselves (or have other neuro differences) and we can be ourselves with one another which is really nice.

For the most part the response I have gotten is along the lines of, "Huh, well I wouldn't have guessed. You don't seem autistic." Hooray for masking, but then those people realize I don't keep eye contact and I get anxious at change and can't handle small group interactions. For the most part the people I've chosen to flat out tell have been very supportive and understanding, but I'm also very selective about the people I interact with.

I also make it a point to not hide the autism as a general rule. I feel that my son deserves to grow up in a world where he's accepted and understood. That means adults like me need to stand up and make autism accepted and understood. I flat out tell people when the issues with my son come up that I am autistic too. Then they see me, a functioning adult, and it automatically helps stave off some of the, "Well he can't do that because autism," comments. My son LOVES theater. He has a leading role this year even though AND because of his autism.

A family member was just nosing over my shoulder and asked who I was writing to ( last post ) and I said to my autistic friends. They said 'Why do you keep mentioning that you are autistic, you are just you'

Yes the easiest way for people to deal with someone who has a complex and invisible mental condition is just to pretend it doesn't exist. I suppose pretending a problem doesnt exist is often the average human's first attempt to solve anything - and occasionally it works (for them anyway!).

No it was just hypocrisy as this person harps on about past experiences that have shaped them.

Although I do have a mental condition due to autism , autism is not a mental condition.

Would you tell a blind person, "Lots of people have vision problems"?
Would you tell person in a wheelchair, "Sometimes I have trouble going up stairs, too"?

Good point. I think part of the problem is that people who aren't blind or don't need wheelchairs can see some of the differences between themselves and a blind person or wheelchair user, so it's easier to imagine themselves in the other person's place. But, someone can't really see light sensitivity, for example. When I go into a grocery store, my muscles will tighten a bit from the lights, but of course no one can see that. YouTube has some good videos simulating sensory sensitivity, and showing a few to my girlfriend helped her understand more what I experience. I think that's probably more effective, because just telling someone I'm sensitive to light or noise sounds like venting to them.

'That's because you spend most of your life stuck indoors' is a common reply to explain away light and noise sensitivities.

I think my biggest pet hate now is people saying we are all on the spectrum I've given up on explaining now and just agree sarcastically