How can I stand up to my uncle?

Post Reply New Topic

My uncle is very weird, and sometimes I don't always like to visit my mum because he's often there. It's not that I hate him, it's just that he has a habit of lecturing if he's in that sort of mood, and he always compares everything to children, even when children have got nothing to do with it. For example, last week there was a lot of us in the room, and there was about 3 conversations going on across the room at the same time. So then my uncle was like, "everybody's talking at once! They're like children in the playground!" But a room full of adults talking at once isn't 'like children in a playground'. We weren't shouting, squealing or giggling. I mean, if you go into a bar that would be full of adults all talking at once. But whatever the situation is, however adult it is, my uncle will always find a way to compare it to children if he doesn't like the situation. It's just annoying.

But anyway, that's beside the point. My uncle has a strange obsession with age. If he has a chance to correct or lecture someone about their age-related capabilities, he will - even if it means butting in. Like one time I was asking my mum what time we were going for a walk into town together (which we had planned to do), and my mum said, "about noon will be best". Then my uncle jumped right in and said to me, "you're a grown adult, why can't you just go by yourself?" I got annoyed because I wasn't even talking to him, I was asking my mum a question which wasn't his plan or his business. I felt like saying to him, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my mum." But I have read somewhere that there's no polite way of saying "I wasn't talking to you", and I didn't want to feel like I was giving my uncle "the lip" by answering back, as I couldn't imagine his sons doing that to my mum or dad. But I want him to know how his preaching upsets me. The next time he gives me an annoying lecture, like "why are you scared of spiders at your age?" or "why can't you do that on your own?" or "you're a working adult, you can afford that", how can I express to him that I don't like him keep lecturing without sounding like I'm answering back? I'm sure he also looks down on me because of my Asperger's/ADHD - which in his case, Asperger's and ADHD are "only for children".

And then he wonders why people don't visit him at his house. Maybe it's because people don't like being criticised all the time. He can't seem to see things from other people's perspectives, only his own, and if people don't think the same way he does, he'd lecture them. I don't find myself compatible with those types of people, and I try to avoid them the best I can. But my uncle is hard to avoid because whenever I go to visit my parents, he's always there.

I'd politely listen but not argue as a way of fulfilling my "family obligation."

He sounds like me; I too have a hard time with adults incapable of doing "grown up" things, though I would try not to abuse them over it. Maybe HE has AS; I know at least one other aspergian, in his fifties, who is exactly like this.

Maybe you could steer him to talking about the great things he has accomplished?

Obviously you and your aunt "walking together" into town is a social event. you're doing something together to be with each other. Its not that you need your aunt to chaperone you .

So if he said that then he misunderstood it, and thought that you... thought that you... need chaperoning or something to walk into town.

And...if that's what he thought then...he obviously is a total idiot. Socially inept even by aspie standards.

What can you do about it?

He wasn't being polite to you. It was a put down. So you certainly don't owe him any politeness in response.

Have no idea how a person "should" respond in that situation.

Maybe just get into his face, but then talk to him in a soft parental voice, .. that wide eyed addressing a baby tone, and then slowly explain to him that "when you grow up and become a BIG BOY you will learn certain things. Like about how us grown ups don't always speak literally. And when two ladies are talking about walking together to town it really means that they are walking together to socialize, and that it may not be about one needing adult supervision by the other." Educate him, and do it in THE MOST patronizing way possible.

How is your mother about this? Can you talk to her privately, like when you walk to town?
Will she defend you, or him when you would speak up?

I'd say talk to your mother privately, and take it this way:
Say you are not feeling good when your uncle is around. Really try to find a feeling, or two, that describes what witholds you from being yourself at that moment. Is it anxiety, fear, insecurity? Just uneasy?
She'll ask you why, and in response, try not, at any point, lay the blame by your uncle. With that I don't mean you should blame yourself. Not in any way. But put it in the right words.
You can tell your mother, that you visit less often because you don't feel well.
Don't bring that as a threat, like 'I won't visit so often if he is here'. More like 'I don't feel like visiting if I have the feeling I am not taken seriously... cannot have a good conversation without being interrupted...'.

Say what his behaviour does to you. How it makes you feel, and for how long.
Say that you find him unreasonable, don't say he is unreasonable.

If she confronts you, try to ask her how she feels about it, don't be tempted to say 'he is...' or 'he does...'.
Stick with the sentence 'It makes me feel...' and she'll be triggered to handle your feelings, out of love.

Consequently, your mother has to do something with it. If she loves you, she'll want to find a way to make it work.
If she doesn't, try again to let her know how it makes you feel. Let it sink in for a while.

She'll meanwhile hopefully talk with your uncle. He is her brother for a long time - they've known each other throughout childhood. Maybe she is so used to his way of talking, she ignores it and no longer finds it annoying. But you do! So she shouldn't talk you into ignoring it either. It's her brother, and she should stand up for you, her daughter.

Best case scenario, your uncle is your mum's brother, so you're equal in terms of relation to her, except you're her offspring rather than sibling. Try to get her on side.

Other than that, ignore him as best you can. He's an idiot. The most important thing is, don't internalise his bs.

Aspies do mature at a slower rate. No shame in that. Even if you did need a chaperone, so what? And it doesn't sound like you did anyway.

Some of these expressions are common, though. Like the kids in a playground one. I've heard that before, it just means it's noisy and people are maybe squabbling.

He sounds like he wants to be in charge. Don't let him be. Ignore his stupidity but be aware some of it will be a joke.

Mum would always stand up for me if my auntie was being mean, either intentionally or not. She's NT so she'd know whether it was intentional or not and handle accordingly.

I've always wondered if my uncle was on the spectrum, but mum reckons he isn't, and mum is often honest about what disorders (mental or physical) people could have. But, like a couple of the posters here said, she's known him from childhood and so I think she would know by now if he was on the spectrum, being so she's brought up a daughter on the spectrum. So she's not ignorant to ASD. Sometimes I wonder if my uncle has alexithymia. He's a rather intelligent person; he is very knowledgeable about science and technology and history. But when it comes to emotions, he does seem ignorant, not as in a bad person but as in somebody who cannot understand other people's perspectives. It's like his attitude is "once you're over 16 or 17, you are your own person" - and although that is true, he takes that very literally and thinks that just because you're an adult, you should be able to take on the world. But even adults get afraid of things, need support sometimes, need to learn new things, and have weaknesses. Even he does, although he wouldn't admit to it. When his wife left him, he almost had a breakdown. But we wouldn't sit back and say, "oh you're an adult, deal with it". We offered him support, comfort and empathy. Adult humans are not wild cats that can survive solo.

And, yes, I am not dependant, I was just planning to go for a walk and do some shopping with mum for company, like a mother and daughter activity. We have always been close, and taking a walk out to the shops together was a plan we had arranged between us. My uncle doesn't need to assume that just because two adults are doing something together it means one of them is incapable of doing it on their own. Even I know that. The other day I was at my aunt's, and it was dark but my aunt wanted a take-out from the Chinese food shop down the road, but she said she didn't fancy going on her own. So I said, "I'll go with you", without assuming that she's incapable of going on her own. I just know that it's nice to do things together.
Speaking of my aunt, I remember one time I was staying over at my aunt's, and my uncle came round to visit. I had just got out of the bath and was in my pyjamas and robe, and it was about 10.30 at night, and my aunt lives about 20 miles away from me. But my uncle stared at me and asked, "are you staying?" I said yes, and he looked confused and said, "here?" I said yes, and he asked, "you're stopping here the night?" I said yes (she has 2 spare bedrooms). My uncle is an intelligent man but he couldn't figure out that if I came into the lounge in my pyjamas, it was very unlikely that I was planning on catching the train all the way home in my pyjamas so late at night. But even if I was, he probably wouldn't ask if I would be all right or anything, because I'm a grown adult. I could just see him saying, "all right then, see you later."

My uncle has some very strange logic.

Wear stilettos.

Do you think maybe your uncle is jealous? I think that would be an immature attitude but it might explain it.

It sounds like he's always there when your mum's there. He needs to get on with his own life and spend time with his wife instead and any cousins you have. Leave you and your mum alone for a bit.