Do you have a bleak view of socialising?

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There are people who I care about but who I don't like that much. If you know what I mean? What I mean is I want them to be alright, I'm concerned for them but I really don't want to spend time with them and I only what to know them at a distance.

Sometimes I say or do things that are kind to these people, not often, but sometimes to show that I still maintain a relation of some kind with them; otherwise it would seem I have forgotten them. But some of these people then in their state of delusion or selfishiness; i'm not sure which; try to take advantage of my kindness by seeking my time and energy here, there and everywhere without due reason. Anyone else had this?

take advantage of your kindness by wanting to spend time with you?

Well stop acting as if you like them, then. You are sending them gestures of friendship or kinship when that's not what you feel.

So there's no halfway? Well, I guess I should have figured that out sooner.

There is a “halfway.”

They’re not your lover. As long as you treat people decently, you don’t have to pretend you have a high regard for them. All you have to do is treat them decently.

You can have them over for tea. You don’t have to confide in them totally.

It’s not smart to blatantly say you only want a superficial friendship.

Alright, well, I guess everything is fine then. I just have to accept that sometimes people get their wires crossed. People sometimes think someone is closer to them than they actually are. I just need to make sure I don't mislead people who would be too eager, by not overdoing it. Well, all's well that ends well!

If you want to hang out with someone just say you’re busy and say something vague about what you’re busy with.

You don’t have to tell them, in detail, why you are busy....unless you’re lovers.

I think what fifasy is getting at is more complicated than that. The social rules are so complex. I remember having a level of confusion over this type of issue when I was much younger. I wish I could think of how to explain it, but I haven't thought about it in decades.

Fifasy, part of it is being comfortable in your own skin and you seem to be having trouble with that now. I'd work on the primary issue now. Later some of the intricacies of social interactions will be more clear.

I can definitely relate to you. Often things I do in a situation are wildly misinterpreted by others, and usually with them feeling that we're connecting, when I'm really just expressing myself or trying to maintain a boundary. For example, I may joke in a situation when I feel angry or frustrated. People then take that as bonding, because that's what it would mean for them. For me it's stress relief and to see if I can come up with a good joke. I can't blame them, but it's hard, because if I express anger in a more obvious way it would be "inappropriate" or "immature."

Or, like you, I could express concern from a compassionate human standpoint, but then people see this as some attempt at alliance. Which is funny, because if a woman's being nice to a man and he thinks she's interested romantically, he's supposed to accept when he's wrong. But, if you or I are being nice to, say, a coworker, then we are supposed to accept the baggage of their misinterpretation. It makes you feel powerless and incredibly self-conscious, since your point of view doesn't seem to count.

When I'm in the situations you're describing, I often feel like others believe that they own me, because they have a hard time accepting that I am separate from them and may be doing things for my own reasons. I don't live in their head. I also find that most people are deeply insecure about enjoying what they like, so they often want to pressure you into joining them in certain vices or hobbies even when you've politely expressed disinterest. So that just adds more pressure. Then they wonder why you spend so much time avoiding social situations. They also tend to hear the word "no" as a signal toward negotiation, not, you know...a boundary.

Actually I feel the opposite than wanting superficial friendship.

I feel like most people only want superficial friendship. Maybe even only have superficial relationships with themselves. If not, they want to keep all conversation of substance to their own minds or to talking about with their lover.

I want to debate philosophy (not tribal politics but something where both sides are trying to puzzle the answer and don't know it and can see both sides) with people, talk about art, talk about history etc.

In other words, when is this boring small talk chit chat and gossip supposed to stop?

I have conversations like this with my stepdad who I suspect is aspie. But then he brings up things which really are boring to me, like the differences between fruit flies and their Latin names. I don't find any topic 100% boring but it's just the way he delivers it and sometimes he misses the interesting cruxes of conversations and veers off into boring tangents.

I don't want to be friends with anyone where the small talk is the main part of it, or where you have to wade through small talk before you get to actually have a conversation which is interesting. I think it's maybe because I don't have enough of a sense of self and myself in relation to the people around me for that.

This is why I'm better with books.

Yes the best case scenario is whooptie do. Both parties go holding hands skipping off into the sunset

The worst case scenario is subject to imagination


Some precious lil "people" at indulgent and loving and trustworthy.... Until you do the slightest thing they do not like

Then it's like, incite a riot