Semi-diagnosed AKA Mis-diagnosed

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I've gone through the NHS assessment - I was "on the spectrum" but "not enough." for a formal diagnosis, that was in 2013 so I pushed it to the back of my mind for the nth time. I hide it VERY VERY well .....I've learned how to appear "normal" since I was 13 when the changes at secondary school - both socially and academically sent me into a tailspin. I would retreat to my room after school and write my soap opera, draw my comic strip, listen to music. I was a mute by the last year of school - apart from my small circle of friends.
Now it's come crashing back to the forefront of my mind - I'm CONVINCED - and my counsellor is of agreement. Do I return to the doctors - the last time I asked for a second assessment, he refused. Do I go private?
I'm 44, and feel a failure, still at home with the parents, I'm gay - never had a boyfriend or the inclination to get one. I never had that "I'm home" moment when I started going out on the gay scene. I feel as alienated there as I do with straight people.
I'm waffling - not really sure what I'm asking - just an outlet after a "Oh, you blame everything on Aspergers - they didn't diagnose you!!" conversation with my parents and auntie!
Exasperated!! !

What do you want to achieve with a diagnosis?

I don't know about where you live, but in many places it is hard to get assistance in your mid 40s even with a diagnosis. There just aren't any services to be had. Unless you/your parents are wealthy enough to go the private route.

I just feel a formal diagnosis would stop me beating myself up for my failings - I know but it's people's "oh, he's blaming Aspergers!" that make me doubt myself. The family have always had "he's so intelligent, he should have done better" attitude. I'm often told "Why can't you use your brain to get a good job instead of filling it with pointless knowledge"

How about being a "lab rat" at a teaching hospital or research setting? You may be able to get an extremely detailed analysis of your situation.

I'm semi-diagnosed, too. My therapist says I have Asperger's Syndrome and High Sensitivity. My psychiatrist is against diagnoses of neurological conditions of this kind, as they are not mental disorders to be cured. I was also misdiagnosed by some other psychiatrist earlier, so I don't really trust official diagnoses, too. Getting out of psychiatric misdiagnose was really hard but now I am functioning again, so I am sure they were wrong.

You said you talk to a counsellor. What is their opinion?
Official diagnosis may help or not. If you need it just for self-understanding, semi-diagnosis may be sufficient. If you hope for some additional services, it would be obviously required.