Please help me.....

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Hi all,
Two days ago, after calling and talking to a friend of mine about a huge argument I had with my husband, she told me she was 95% certain he had undiagnosed Aspergers. She urged me to read up about and that it was I have done. It was like a lightbulb being switched on...
We have been together for 14 years and have two children together (7 and 9). I also suspect our 9yr old son has Aspergers too.
My husband is very intelligent and has a very good job. He is a Devops Director and has been in computing all his life. His Dad was an Engineer and he also has a flair for engineering, like his Dad.
All these years, I thought there was something wrong with me...and that I was failing in my marriage. I have spoken many times over the years (to anyone who will listen) that I feel like I have lost myself, and I mourn for the bubbly, happy, vivacious woman I once was. You see, I put her in a box because my husband never seemed to like that side of me so I am a different person when he is not around. I thought I was going crazy....
Now I have to decide what I going to do and am considering leaving my husband and the father of my children. This kills me but I don't think I can stay, especially knowing now that he will never be able to change. I am terrified that us leaving will destroy him and I can't bear to imagine the effect this will have on our children but I can already see the effect it has on the children, especially my 7 yr old daughter, who doesn't understand why Daddy is so strict and hard on her all the time. I now understand why our children have to be so perfect all the time. He also crushes the fun and vivaciousness she displays, the same as me, but at least now I understand why he is like he is.
I know I need to tell him I think he has Aspergers and I am compiling a folder of links, articles and snippets of the things I have read, which explain the way I feel and things that he does but I am fearful of his reaction..He does not take criticism well and will think I am attacking him.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated... I am on my last straw...
Thanks

What traits specifically does he display that make you suspect autism? Many wives think their husbands have AS because autistics tend to have more "male brain" wiring, and so they conflate being autistic with being a man.

If you haven't done so already, I would recommend speaking to your 9-year-old's school about your concerns regarding autism; they should point you in the direction of a professional who can diagnose the child, and potentially your husband as well, if he decides that's what he wants. A diagnosis is the only way the school can provide assistance either in the form of a 504 or an IEP, and as someone who was denied the opportunity for diagnosis at age eight, by my mother who saw the signs and did nothing, I can confirm that getting your son diagnosed now and providing support will exponentially increase his chances of success as he grows up.

Regarding your husband, be aware that if he does decide to pursue a diagnosis and receives one, that may have an impact on his ability to gain any custody over the children. Courts tend to have a very poor understanding of neurological divergence, and assume that an autistic person cannot be an effective parent, subsequently granting primary or sole custody of the children to the neurotypical parent. (I am writing this of course in the hopes that you will use it to make an informed decision because you want your husband to see his children, and will not use the information to your advantage in an attempt to remove the children from his care.)

Lets see...
- Does not take criticism, takes it personally.
- Controlling personality.
- Leading position as a manager.
- His actions made you think there was something wrong with you
- Has killed your "bubbly" personality

He may have a diagnosis, but not necessarily Aspergers. My advice is to read up on Antisocial Personality Disorder (psychopathy) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

You should have made a different life choice over a decade ago. Honestly how he reacts if you break up isn't your problem. Prioritize yourself and your offspring and put law enforcement on speeddial.

First of all, welcome to WP. I am glad you came here. Secondly, the things you described about your husband are not really indicative or ASD on their own but that does not mean that he might not have it. I think it would be good for the both of you to hang out here on this site for awhile and get to know that type of people that we are. But you should also see if your husband would be willing to do some marriage counseling with you and even family counseling with you and the children. I think that would be a great place to start. Leaving a spouse and the father of your children is not a decision to take lightly and no one should ever do it in haste. It should be an option that is carefully weighed and all other options should be tried unless there is actual real abuse. Only you can know if there is or not. But if you have to leave him to protect yourself and your children, then that will be something that you will have to do. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and conviction to do it but you can and should if he is being abusive.

If you do suspect ASD, have him read some books about it but approach him about it from the angle of trying to understand if your daughter might be affected. Trying to help your daughter if you think she might be affected will allow him to learn about ASD without getting defensive. He won't feel that you are attacking or criticizing him. He loves his child and will want to help her. As he learns more about it, he may end up "diagnosing" himself as many of us have done. Then, as many of us have also done, if an official diagnosis is something that you both think would be in your benefit to pursue, you can try to do that as well. But I think that using your daughter's situation to address his will enable him to look into it in a way that he does not feel threatened.

He might also just be incredibly insecure and if he is willing to get counseling with you and/or with the entire family, he might be able to change and your marriage might be able to be saved.

You may be able to use logic to your advantage. If testing or experience tell him he is an outlier, he may be able to compensate by letting himself get outvoted on how to behave, or otherwise "let things go." There is no guarantee - he may think he is one of the few people who behave correctly, but logic will be far harder for him to ignore than other demands.
You might also try just joining an amateur theatre group or other volunteer situation where you can be yourself part time.

Pattern.