Aspergers Friend

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I'm in grad school with a friend who has Aspergers. He does a good job at hiding the symptoms, but two symptoms -- while hidden from most -- have become a problem in our friendship: 1. Intense/obsessive focus on a small number of things 2. Rigid adherence to patterns.

He's a great person and has an interesting background. We hit it off and got close quickly. But it looks like he's obsessively moving through a checklist with the desire of become my best (or really second best) friend. We do share some common interests and he's taken an interest in some of the things I like. So I was happy to have him when I was working a summer job in a different city. Those were good times, but that didn't mean I was signing up to be one of his best friends. That's just not what I'm looking for. He would do pretty much anything for me, but I don't need that.

One of the problems is he's rude to anyone he sees as a competitor for my attention. Unless someone is on his list of pre-approved (which mostly consists of my college roommates and my family) people, he doesn't want them to join us. On the other hand, the people who are on the pre-approved list, he desperately wants to spend time with -- even though he's only met one of them (the rest he only knows of through stories). One time the one person on the pre-approved list this friend knows was visiting me for less than 2 days. We had plans with others and I told the friend with Aspergers he couldn't go. I later found out that he didn't get out of bed (or even from under the covers) for most of the weekend because of the anguish that resulted. I also learned that he sometimes has to do the stereotypical autistic rocking back and forth to get his mind of things when he's not progressing in our friendship at the rate he desires. I feel bad but I need to be able to lead my life.

He's inflexible in that 1. He declares doesn't want to spend time with people he hasn't even met yet; 2. He will get upset (sometimes he tells me right away and sometimes I don't find out for months) for small things like if he had it in his head that he wanted to press an elevator button but I got to it first or if we have a regular lunch appointment on a certain day and I need to skip a week.

I've recommended counseling for him but he'll reply that counseling can only do so much and it can't change the underlying facts ("a counselor can help with coping when you don't have anywhere to go on Christmas/Easter, but ultimately he can't and won't show up on your door on Easter to make you feel better").

He does have one family member, but they're not super close. I sympathize but I can't be the replacement for everything (I've told him this).

I want to be friends with him but I don't want to have the burden of being his main friend. I've tried scaling back -- and he's noticed which means the times we do hang out often turn into "why is this all we do - we're not making sufficient progress in my goal of becoming best friends." He wants to take trips out of town - but I'm not sure if or when we should do that again.

This cycle of his getting upset because I don't meet his irrational expectations about friendship like special access to my old college roommates when they visit or my never deviating from our standard lunch appointment or his being rude to my friends just because he hasn't pre-approved them based on his arbitrary perceptions of what they might be like -- is a toxic cycle. Yet we all have problems of some kind and I try to be understanding -- especially since there is so much good I see in him and I really enjoy our conversations.

Suggestions?

Be honest, direct and kind. Let him know that you like him and want to be friends, but that he's putting too much pressure on you. Tell him what you told us. The worst thing you can do is say nothing, suffer in silence, then one day blow up out of the blue, which will hurt both of you severely. I speak from experience when I say this, because it's exactly what my best friend did to me almost five years ago. She was fine one day, then the next she started making snarky remarks that hurt my feelings. This went on for two or three days before I finally asked her if something was wrong, and she went off on a rant about everything about me that drove her crazy. It hurt me deeply because I had no idea, and a lot of the things she said were very personal, and I still remember them to this day.

Reminds me of Sheldon on Big Bang Theory when he knocks on people’s doors and says the person’s name.

This person sounds quite controlling.

I know you know this—but getting too close to him will probably be detrimental to you.

Many Aspies tend to be clingy and in a friendship or relationship, this can be viewed very negatively. Some of the traits of Aspies are:

* shows a lack of empathy (difficulty understanding others’ feelings, difficulty communicating feelings)
* unaware of others’ thoughts, feelings, desires, intentions or perceptions resulting in inadvertently appearing rude or inconsiderate
* they are often direct, speak their mind and are honest.

So as StarTrekker has said - Be honest and direct and let him know what you feel. Don't beat around the bush but tell him directly. Set your own groundrules.

I totally agree with what previous posters have said - and it sounds like you've understood the situation very clearly and are already handling it pretty well.

When I was much younger, desperate to "fit in" somewhere and find friendship, I could be rather like your friend. I would latch onto anyone who showed me the slightest compassion; I'd follow them around social gatherings like a lost puppy, desperately trying to cement their approval by being sycophantic to them and whoever I thought were their "inner circle", and resentful whenever I was excluded from anything, no matter how reasonable the justification.

If you only have one person who you think of as a friend then, in a way, they are your "best" friend; because you don't have any better one. So it's easy to fall into the trap of putting them on a pedestal and seeing the friendship as more significant than it really is to the other person. When you lack experience with the different types and shades of friendship, you can't see that the other person's perception of the friendship would be any different than your own. If they are your "best" friend, then why wouldn't they make you their "best" friend in turn - "it's only fair!".

With time, experience, and practice, it is possible to learn a more nuanced understanding of friendship, as I have done to a degree. Social skills training or group therapy might be more appropriate kinds of formal support rather than one-on-one counselling. And if he doesn't use them already, I'd point him in the direction of forums like this one, where he can maybe gain some insight from people who have been through it themselves - I can vouch for the fact that it can often be far more beneficial than formal interventions. Otherwise, carry on as you are; compassionate, but enforcing your boundaries as politely as you can.

The advice already given isn't bad.

Also though you may want to make a point to very clearly let him know....he doesn't really have a right to tell you who you can and can't hang out with. What right does he have to pre-approve your interactions and be angry if you socialize with anyone he hasn't pre approved?

I mean I feel for your friend, but that is almost borderline abuse....and quite frankly if he's not willing to make efforts to stop that behavior then for your own wellbeing you may have to severe the friendship. Also not confronting him on that behavior might lead him to believe that its 'ok' so he could see it as encouragement towards more controlling behavior. I mean you're his friend not his possession.

At this point having a serious conversation with him about your friendship and these issues in it, as well as what your boundaries are...he may be receptive and willing to work on it. Unfortunately it's also possible he's not in a place he can be receptive about it and instead will come onto you about how bad of a friend you are and never want to speak to you again or whatever.

I mean I have aspergers, I know how it is not to have many friends and get a bit clingy when you do make them or think you made them...but at the same time you are a person to your own person, and you don't have to keep interacting with someone who won't respect that, regardless of what the reason is. So I really hope you can talk to him and maybe come to an understanding so he can keep his friendship with you...and you can remain friends with him without it taking such a toll on your life.

Valuable comments all around.

Sweetleaf, to clarify, he doesn't try to control who I hang out with. It's that he doesn't like to hang out with groups I'm in except for my college roommates, family or other pre-approved people (the list is completely arbitrary).

Trogluddite, I'd love especially to hear you expand on some of what you said. He had indeed placed me on a pedestal. And it's interesting that you use the word fair because I've had to tell him that just because he puts in more effort and cares more about the friendship than other friends doesn't mean he gets other privileges. I kind of understand in that when my actual best friend (old roommate) and I get together, we're very close (people jokingly call it a bromance). And this friend with AS fits right in as far as the interests my actual best friend and I have. He noticed that and started trying to earn a spot near the top of my friendship list as though it were a career
ladder. The problem is I just wasn't looking for a second best friend -- well that and his (small but increasingly frequent) meltdowns/yelling when small things don't go his way.

Oops! Sorry for missing your reply, and I'm glad you find my post useful. I'll try to get back to you on that, as it's getting a bit late, and I need to think a little bit about how to respond (Sweetleaf made some good points which I'd like to let sink in a bit, too.) Feel free to bump the thread if you don't hear back in the next day or two.

The relationship you've described makes me feel edgy, and I think that reflects discomfort with someone being too intense. To me, it predicts later becoming hostile or even aggressive. I'm sure that reflects my emotions more than yours, but I think I would have to cool it with this friend if it was me in the situation. I don't need that kind of intensity and potential negative energy.

I feel similarly.

I wouldn’t even want a romantic partner who is so intense.

I have a few here and there, mostly online though.