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neshamaruach
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11 Dec 2008, 2:48 pm

I'm wondering what happens to people's special interests when they become parents. It's not as though we have oodles of free time for much else besides carpooling, meals, sleep, cleaning, going to the bathroom, and having fun with and supporting our kids.

It makes me wonder whether I have special interests anymore. I spend the bulk of my time keeping my house together and doing parenting stuff. There are all kinds of things I'm interested in--knitting, languages, sacred texts, music, writing--but not a lot of time to do them. I find that I can have a special interest for, say, a few months, and then I begin to realize that I'm missing out on family stuff and not exactly being an equal partner, or I just get tired out from trying to do more than the basics.

I homeschooled for 8 years. Perhaps that was my special interest; I certainly spent most of my time and thought on it. And I wrote and published a book that took 2-3 years to write. Does that qualify?

I wonder whether this is a gender issue, too. Tony Attwood seems to think that girls manifest obsessive special interests more by organizing things (dolls, books, etc.) rather than by rattling off lots of facts. If that is the case, then organizing things is my all-time longest-running special interest in the world. I'm brilliant at it. You could write a "Women and AS" textbook just by observing me.



millie
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11 Dec 2008, 3:06 pm

I have a sepcial interest that is my painting. it is very difficult. But i am hell to live with if i do not create and do it. so my family understands that and are very supportive.
my son's father is also a teacher and an amazing father. so he carries the load a lot. and i am grateful for that. I bring what i can to my son's life. it is not the traditional stuff a mum brings to parenting. but i am learning to rejoice in what i contribute because it is weird and different and i teach my son all about tolerance, love of "the other" and about diversity in this world. that's special.

as for my art - i could do that all all all the time no problems.



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11 Dec 2008, 3:21 pm

I don't have a lot of time for them, that's for sure. I tend to focus more on the interests in the summer time. I fit it in. I try to make them work for me. I'm interested in WWI and F Scott Fitzgerald, so I do little excursions and take photos for my blog. Read what I can. Watch what I can.



demeus
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11 Dec 2008, 4:33 pm

I keep to my special interests although they have adapted so that I use them in a productive manner (and in some cases, getting paid).



garyww
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11 Dec 2008, 5:23 pm

Wow!! What a great thread. This is just wonderful to see somebody actually talking about a real life concept.
After I had children I did finally manage to 'delay' my personal interests and I did it by staying awake for long periods of time.
I quickly caught on to the fact that new organism have a 'natural' schedule so I did my stuff during those lulls.
Later in life I just stayed up very late at nights after the kid stuff was over with and went back to building time machines and the other type of stuff a lot of us do.
I always held on to the fact that it was all just temporary and that eventually I'd actually have 'helpers' in the lab so to speak.


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garyww
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11 Dec 2008, 5:29 pm

Forgot to mention that this also works on partners or spouses. There is some old enginerring thing about the conservation of energy or something like that so I use the 'wear them down during the day' process' where it takes a lot of my valuable time to get them all exhausted and then the evenings are easier.


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neshamaruach
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11 Dec 2008, 11:32 pm

Now I understand why I stay up late and tend to be more productive at night, even though I'm tired. I love the silence and space after everyone has gone to bed. I find it very hard to let go of that and get to sleep, even if I'm going to be up early in the morning.

I'm also realizing that part of the issue is that even though my daughter is a teenager, it's still encoded in me to be "on call" from her early years, when life really was a long series of interruptions. Now she's perfectly happy being in her room, or going around town with friends, or doing homework, and she doesn't need me in that labor-intensive way she once did. It's just that I'm not getting up to speed fast enough to realize I'm in a new phase of life. I keep feeling bad when I take hours for myself in the evening while she's doing homework. My husband, who has already raised three kids, tells me that I am giving her exactly what she needs right now: space. That realization is taking its time on the scenic route through my aspie brain.

I guess this is a time of transition for me and it's confusing. There really is time to pursue the things I love. I'm just not taking advantage of it when it presents itself. I'm holding onto her childhood like mad because it's ending.



millie
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12 Dec 2008, 1:24 am

as usual neshamaruach, you bring up interesting and realistic issues that some of us AS people face. I know i have an awfully difficult time moderating anything - from family issues, through to parenting through to emotional responses to things (i am either ON or OFF ) through to special interests.

I am also either "ON" or "OFF" with family members, and yet i also relate to your issues regarding letting go of your daughter. I think if we have learned some of these parenting skills as AS people, then the shifts to a lower gear of parenting can be exceedinly difficult. I see it as a complex issue which has its roots in the notion of CHANGE. For me, my AS manifests in terms of routine, rigidity, exhaustion around people and the need to hide out in my special interests. Each time my son has another period of change (and as you know he is only 6) i am confronted with the need to make adjustments to my parenting. I find this exhausting and also overwhelming. I do not easily go with the flow unless tthe flow happens to be about my interests and my need for sameness.

FOr example, my son started school this year. It was scuh an important milestone for him and one that mothers and parents so often rejoice in. My son had already been in daycare for a number of years because i could not cope with being a fulltime mum as it took me away from my special interest (which was like losing a limb and i became suicidal.)
His first year at school though, because it was a period of intense change in our routine at home, was so difficult for me. Just terribly difficult and terribly upsetting. THese changes are often milestones in our kids' lives - points of new emergence and development, and i work hard to understand this cognitively whilst at the same time struggling to cope with the change it results in in my life, given my AS need for routine and stabilising sameness.

It certainly makes life challenging! I am yet to deal with the teen years, and i applaud you for getting this far as a parent and mother with AS.

thanks for a great thread :D

as usal excuse typo's - i am jsut too lazy to correc them these days (and i am attempting to let go of the perfectionism.)eek....



neshamaruach
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12 Dec 2008, 3:17 pm

millie wrote:
I think if we have learned some of these parenting skills as AS people, then the shifts to a lower gear of parenting can be exceedinly difficult. I see it as a complex issue which has its roots in the notion of CHANGE. For me, my AS manifests in terms of routine, rigidity, exhaustion around people and the need to hide out in my special interests. Each time my son has another period of change (and as you know he is only 6) i am confronted with the need to make adjustments to my parenting. I find this exhausting and also overwhelming. I do not easily go with the flow unless tthe flow happens to be about my interests and my need for sameness.

FOr example, my son started school this year. It was scuh an important milestone for him and one that mothers and parents so often rejoice in. My son had already been in daycare for a number of years because i could not cope with being a fulltime mum as it took me away from my special interest (which was like losing a limb and i became suicidal.)
His first year at school though, because it was a period of intense change in our routine at home, was so difficult for me. Just terribly difficult and terribly upsetting. THese changes are often milestones in our kids' lives - points of new emergence and development, and i work hard to understand this cognitively whilst at the same time struggling to cope with the change it results in in my life, given my AS need for routine and stabilising sameness.


Millie, I can really relate to the upheaval of having your kid start school. My daughter was homeschooled from K through 7 and started full-time at a small school in grade 8. It was a huge adjustment for me. She is an extremely adaptable person, and can adjust to change very easily. It amazes me. Anyway, when she started school, I just didn't know what to do with myself. All the rituals and routines were gone. Small things had gone the way of the wind, like when she was finished reading a library book, she'd leave it on my desk so i could write it down in the homeschooling journal. (We had to keep a journal for the school district.) I really missed that. To this day, if I'm in a store with educational materials, I go over to them and start looking at them and have to catch myself and realize that that period in our lives is over.

What made it even more difficult was that homeschooling became a compelling special interest, and I began to love reading her books, or finding her books on various subjects as she got older. I'd read the material before she did, and I began to realize how much I enjoyed children's books. They are still very interesting to me, especially the art. I've saved all of the ones I bought, and haven't quite been able to bring myself to look at them again, but I will. I have quite a collection.

Anyway, I think you are absolutely right about the Aspie resistance to change colliding with the fact that kids are changing constantly. Just as you get in the groove, something changes, and it can be difficult catching up. For some things, my daughter will just put her foot down and say, "Mom! You don't have to do this for me anymore. Times change! People change!" For other things, she's just off doing her growing up thing and I'm sort of lagging behind. But I'll get there. This forum helps tremendously, as does talking to parents like you, Millie.



millie
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12 Dec 2008, 4:30 pm

oh very good to hear of your experiences there. helps me too :wink:



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12 Dec 2008, 5:23 pm

Well, I don´t have kids...something which I am sort of sad about in one way, because I just love children. However, nowadays I sometimes wonder if I could have been a good parent anyway. I do think this is an interesting thread, that is why I´m putting in my "2 cents" (hope you don´t mind):

Long before I knew about AS, I recognized that it was just in my personality to become obsessed with things, and want to pursue them. I often wondered how it would be to have children; in that case, you would have no time for "special interests" (or, at least, little...I think this would have been very hard for me!!) Even though I am alone, I still have the problem that I go to bed too late, that I can´t tear myself away from doing certain things, I can´t stop myself if I have an obsession...I am quite sleep deprived, actually, it´s not good....So, I think having kids must be hard. Of course, it could work well if the child IS your "special interest". I suspect that that would have been the case with me, had it happened; however, how long would it last? I think the constant giving might have been hard for me....God, I realize how selfish that sounds...

In any case, I do try to be a good aunt, and I´m having fun with that.


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millie
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12 Dec 2008, 6:20 pm

hello morgana - nice to hear your input. all the things you mention are issues for me....and i had a child late in life at 40. I think if i had been younger, the AS would have played even more havoc with the parenting than it does now, as i have improved in some areas with age. (i live with someone, have a few friends who see me one on one for the most part etc.)

i believe i am still a good parent - and actually some AS people get on exceedingly well with kids - i certianly do. the arents are hard except on the phone and the kids are a breeze. i jsut do all this nutter stuff with them and make bizarre animal noises, induct them into my FANG CLUB (which had its origins in my childhood with my rather odd brother) which has a secret (no longer) crab pincer signal! all my son;t friends love it. My son has one autistic friend at school who is in marinstream and he is in fact THE BIGGEST FAN of the fang club! (funny that!! doesn;t surprise me.)


8O :D



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15 Dec 2008, 3:38 am

Getting married and having kids was definitely a bit of an unexpected turn for me. A *good* one but growing up, I had envisioned myself holed away writing somewhere. LOL!

I like to take things apart and so does my eldest. I like crafts and so does my youngest. We all like to read. And sometimes, they like to go on Adventures with me! Sometimes. LOL. We're in a new and pleasant phase: the boys are ages 8 and 6 (on Fri) and they are finally old enough to do things together instead of the age gap being way too wide. It's really nice.

We all struggle with transitions though.

I love night.



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15 Dec 2008, 3:53 am

I wish you could come to my house and help me organize. I get too detailed on it and set my goals too high for me to do. I want to go through all the boxes in storage and have them all in plastic bins labeled with what's in them (I'm supposed to attempt that in January when Christmas is over and all the spiders are dead). I also like my drawers to be labeled, and have a place for everything, but i get too detailed on it and never get to finish the project.

I don't have time for any interests anymore. I spend too much online in forums, but it's the only conversation I get right now. I like painting, but I have to be calm and awake, and by the time I get to do that, I'm ready to go to sleep or I'm just not inspired. Same with poetry. I also want to do more charity work, but same time problem. I hate cleaning, and since my kids are 1 and 2, I do that a lot, and the house still looks like a mess. My husband does zero cleaning, so I also clean up after him which makes it all the worse. Add diapers, baths, play time, flu, etc.. No, I don't have time to myself. Sometimes, the bathroom isn't even an option for me.

I figured it would get easier when the kids get older, but by judging the responses on here, I'm adoubtnit now. Wonderful. But it's worth it right?

I will say, I just hired a cleaning lady, and her first week she ended up taking two days off for flu (we are doing Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), so we'll see if I get more time as she's able to work more. I think it's worth the extra money so far. I need to explain to her more about how to do the dishes, but other than that, she does pretty good. That gives me the freedom to just do things I need to do for my sanity like disinfect the house periodically.



Tantybi
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15 Dec 2008, 4:05 am

I should also add that the reason I hired a cleaning lady is because my landlady threatened to evict me because my house wasn't spotless clean. She expects a Donna Reed clean 24/7. She even said her house was that clean when her kids were my kids' age (1 and 2 remind you). She might as well have told me she met Papa Smurf once in her bath tub because all that tells me is that either she's lying or she was on some good drugs. So, I just looked at it like my rent went up. No I can't really afford it, and I don't personally care.

Given, even with a cleaning lady, my house is still not Donna Reed clean, but at least it stays cleaner more often and makes life a little easier on me so when I do get the flu like I had, I can still have someone pick up my slack. If that's not good enough for the landlady, I know she's crazy, and she might be crazy enough to do it, but you don't make an Aspie angry cause we can get crazier.



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15 Dec 2008, 5:52 am

I do painting when my son is at school, sometimes with all the other things that need doing i find that there is no time for what i want to do.
My son has just been diagnosed with AS and likes sorting through cards and lining up figures for hours. I usually do alot of chores while hes doing that, that way im still around and can see hes ok.
We both like Doctor Who so we have it as a shared intrest for Fridays, we buy sweets and watch a Doctor Who dvd.