My kid is out of control at school & we need help.

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Background: I'm a late-diagnosed autistic woman. Classical profile of good behavior in school + no friends + "mental health" issues.

My son is 11 & also autistic. Generally we get along great, and it's awesome to have a kid whose brain works like mine. He has had some issues with anger & anxiety, but those are generally manageable at home. He is a smart, sensitive kid who doesn't know what to do with his anger when it gets out of control either - he throws things or yells or slams doors, then feels guilty & apologizes over and over.

He sees a counselor & takes meds that he is generally calmer & happier on.

But at school ... the teacher who was great with him is on medical leave. His current teacher & aides just don't "get" him and often screw up - talking to him in a way that triggers him (condescending or barking orders) etc. I've met with his teachers & aides a couple times. I laid down the law about NO restraint & seclusion. I got them to get rid of their behavior levels system that punished him for having meltdowns. And ... he's still doing worse and worse. I just sat there on the phone with him for 15 minutes while he screamed and panicked and begged to go home.

I don't know what to tell him. I sympathize with the issues he's had with teachers because I had the same ones, but I didn't have explosive anger and I don't know how to help him manage it. Any advice? Especially from people who used to be kids like this?

Would it be possible to homeschool him or do an online school program until the regular teacher returns? Or put him in another class? Or is there only one teacher for one grade/year? When I was in grade school, there were as many as five teachers for the same grade/year. But I understand it isn't like that in all schools. If that is the case, what are the teachers from other classrooms like? Maybe he would get along better with one of them?

If you are in the US, the school has to provide services to him. He should have a behavior plan that outlines what teachers are supposed to do to 1) avoid meltdowns, 2) when there is a meltdown. If he doesn't have behavior services, request an IEP meeting asap and learn your rights before that.

Please take your child's side on this. School is hell for children with autism. If they can't provide a decent behavior plan. Take him home. The problem with that, of course, is that he will then have tantrums so he can get to go home. OTOH, maybe home is a better place for him.

When I say "teacher" it is really the special ed case manager - he has an IEP and is not in regular classes all the time. Lately he's not in them at all because he's refusing to go. Today he threw chairs, kicked people, swore, and refused to take his homework home.

I ask him what's going on, what needs to be different, what would work better for him, and he just says things like "I don't know!" and "I just can't handle it!" His stress level is so high all the time. He's already taking risperidone and sertraline for that, plus Concerta for ADHD, and it's a delicate balance already with meds, so I'm not sure how to address that other than trying to make school a better place for him.

He has a quiet space that he's allowed to retreat to at school, they're not supposed to be pressuring him to do work all the time, but he gets bored and fidgety and easily upset.

I really wish I could homeschool him, but I work full-time and also share custody with my ex, so he's not with me every day.

Trust me, I have laid down the law with them & he's had an IEP since kindergarten. We just had a meeting two weeks ago with the IEP team. There's a huge list of of accommodations - he doesn't have to stay in class, he's not to be punished for meltdowns, he's allowed personal space, he has a list of calming activities he can do ... I thought it would be better after the last meeting, but it seems like nothing is working and I don't know how to help him handle the frustration levels he's feeling.

I work full-time and can't have him at home, or I totally would.

Can he be trusted to stay at home by himself? I was staying home alone at 9 and I knew a few kids who stayed home alone at 7 and 8.

What about putting him in another school? If you're in the US and the current school isn't obeying the IEP, I think they have to provide for him to go to an alternative school.

I couldn't legally let him do that (joint custody & his dad would never support it) and I'm not sure he's quite old enough for it.

My problem is that as far as I can tell, the school IS obeying the IEP. It's just not working. And I don't know what they need to change to make it work. They give him space & quiet time & options for activities, and he runs away or yells or throws things.

I don't mean to suggest he's doing these things randomly - it's an expression of extreme frustration & stress and I get that - but it seems to be triggered by being at school at all, and I don't know what to do about that.

The new teacher and the aides don't understand them? Isn't that what people with that occupation are supposed to understand? I know people on the spectrum have trouble with change, but dang.

Anyways, what you described about your son sounds just like me when I was his age. The kicking and screaming, throwing things, not going to class, getting sent home, etc. I have been there, done that Having said that, it's also interesting that you said that they punish him all the time because a major turning point in me becoming more mature was my entire 6th grade year, where I got detentions countless times and got in school suspension 3 times. The thing is, the middle school I went to that year was part of a somewhat small school district. After that year, my parents moved me to a bigger school and I have never had a school year that anywhere close to being as bad as it was in 6th grade since. Today, I'm a senior in high school, I go to all of my classes, I have a job, a car, and I'm thinking about what's next after I graduate.

Now, if your son goes to a school district that's not one of the more bigger districts in your area, I would obviously recommend having him go to a bigger school(more resources). If he already does, than it still wouldn't hurt to look at other options. Another thing I should warn you about is that at some point he may have a desire to make friends, and even a girlfriend in the next few years, so for that to happen, getting a fresh start would be essential because the students at his school probably view him as the crazy guy who throws temper tantrums.

The best you can do now is make sure a fine line is drawn between him being as happy as possible and getting the important stuff done, even if that's not done in class.

I wish you and him the best.

You get to choose which people come to an IEP. You need to make sure the behavior analyst is there. It is his/her responsibility to have a behavior plan who works. It isn't your job to tell them what he needs. It is their responsibility. Call IEPs over and over again, until you get what he needs.

Ask about getting transferred to another school. Preferably one with an autism program and behavior specialists who understand autism.

Sometimes a teacher does not like a student and no matter what, that gets communicated to the student. That may be what is going on.

Could he go to a school near where the father lives?

For grins and giggles...

It might be worth taking him for a general physical, and see if there are any lurking issues your son isn't able to verbalize. Allergies? Headaches? Weird sensitivities? Eyes hurt? It's sort of a fishing expedition, but who knows? Something might pop up that can be fixed.

11 is a MISERABLE age NT or ASD. You aren't a little kid. You aren't a teen. Is he starting puberty yet? That can turn a little NT into a monster. I had NT 11 year olds explode into tears and rage over not getting a certain marker or seat. They would melt down like two year olds.

You got hormones+social skills that really take a huge leap during that age. A person can communicate a whole ton of information with a look. That information maybe be going over your son's head and frustrating him.

Another crap thing, is your son's medication may need to be totally revamped. My friend's ASD son had similar issues at age 10. Between a growth spurt and starting puberty his medications weren't helping anymore. It took a whole year of fine tuning to get it right.

I think it's being 11, on coming puberty, change of routine (that person isn't there), socials skills not caught up, maybe meds aren't working as well, and maybe some medical issue lurking around. (worth exploring)

That's enough to play, than to just say the school is s**t and keep him home. 11 year olds aren't stupid. Home>school. All 11 year olds want to go home when pissed off.

Instead of asking him what's wrong, have you tried, "If I gave you wizard powers, what would you change?" Kids seem to answer that question better, instead of "What's wrong?" with the answer being I don't know or nothing.

HTH <3

Here are a couple of links that might be helpful;

general Aspergers http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... e_2017.pdf

Asperger parenting http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... g%20v2.pdf

You may not always be able to count on having a capable teacher. We homeschooled our three Asperger kids and it was really worthwhile even though we lived less well off.

What if you tried targeted versions of that question? Some examples:

If you had wizard powers...

...what would you change about your classroom?
...what would you change about your teachers?
...what would you change about your thoughts and feelings?
...what would you change about your classmates?
...what would you change about your quiet space at school?

You could even make it kind of a game, where he asks you questions back, and you sprinkle the "serious" questions to him in with more fun ones like "what super power would you give yourself?" And "what would you turn this dinner into?"

I agree that it's potentially better than "what's wrong?" I am an adult, and still have a hard time answering that. I may start asking myself that question, haha.

Another thing that might help would be a heartrate monitor he could wear that would alert him by vibrating or something when his heartrate goes up. That may help him identify he is upset BEFORE a full-on meltdown, and he could go to his quiet space and calm down.

Does he really need to be on all those drugs? risperidone is an antipsychotic and zoloft is an anti-depressant for if you have depression caused by a chemical imbalance. Also some of the side effects for both can be unpleasant,

I mean does your child have major depressive disorder or psychosis disorder? If not they probably don't need to be taking an antidepressant that isn't really approved for kids and wont do anything about anxiety...or an anti-psychotic. There are probably safer drugs to address the anxiety. They have drugs like valium, that are actually for anxiety. I mean are you knowledgeable on the side effects of the drugs hes on and aware of what the signs would be if he isn't reacting well to them?

I understand the ADHD medicine, I know a lot of kids with that do really need that to function...but perhaps it would be worth considering if the others are necessary, or if maybe trying to switch him to just an anxiety medicine thats not an anti-psychotic or antidepressant being used off label in an attempt to treat it. Anti-psychotics also do have long term affects and not sure they have really done a lot of research on using them to treat childhood anxiety...

Not trying to be pushy but does seem a bit odd they've decided to put him on an off label anti-depressant and anti-psychotic to treat anxiety...did they try anxiety medications first and those didn't work? Either way maybe worth looking more into the meds he's on and if they really are the best for him.

To add to the last post about his current prescriptions, if they do decide to take him off any, you probably want to have them do it VERY gradually. The withdrawal symptoms if you don't gradually taper them off can be awful, and can lead people to think their condition(s) are worse than they are (the withdrawal can mimic psychological conditions).

Check out "The Withdrawal Project" (a website) for more info.

Risperdal is what is given to people who are physically lashing out and are in danger to themselves and others. It has a sedating effect without the habit forming tendencies of a benzo.

It also helps with sleep.

I think Zoloft is the only antidepressant okayed by the FDA for pediatric patients. It's also used for OCD in children.

My friend's Aspie son had to go from clonidine (a blood pressure medication) to Risperdal. The clonidine was not working anymore. He was already in a self contained classroom, but hit the teacher from behind with a chair. She filed a police report.

It was either 1) ship him off to a residential treatment center if nothing changed or 2) medication overhaul.

Risperdal let him function enough at home and school, so he wasn't shipped off 200 miles away.
If he was at the treatment center, minimum would have been Risperdal.

Antipsychotics sound horrible. No parent goes YAY drug my kid to shut him up. It's really an emergency break. Sort of like crutches. My friend's son calmed down enough to work on some new social skill, which really decreased the physical behaviors.

Now he's an old teen and not on it anymore.

Mom could be home schooling and her son could still need the Risperdal.

I know people hate psych drugs, but sometimes they are needed.