Trying to be myself

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I have spoken before on here how I think I’d learnt to mask autism (self-diagnosed) so well that I lost my identity and ended up having long term counselling. I wasn’t happy and couldn’t understand why I’d lost my sense of self. I believe I lost it around puberty, I do desperately wanted to fit in but could never keep friends and have nothing in common with people. Counselling has made me assess myself, from being a young child and it all seems to make sense now. It’s a long story but now I’ve come to a bit of a problem. I’m being told by my partner and his friends and family that I’m changing and that people think I’m boring or they don’t like me anymore... well I’ve always done whatever everyone else wants to do to fit in and please them. I have suffered through anxiety and social issues all by myself with zero understanding. But I have always kept my cards close to my chest at my mum recently told me. I will socialise but have said I can’t do it for too long or it wipes me out. It’s hard to describe but after a while of chatting with people I get this frustrated/anxious type feeling that I want to escape but I can’t because I’ll look rude. Part of me doesn’t care what people think but it’s causing me and my partner big problems as most of our relationship has been based on me ‘masking’ all the time. The thing is he likes talking and learning and I like to listen and learn so we get on well until he needs to be around people and socialise. He gets energy from this, it does the total opposite to me! My counsellor says I need to meet more people like myself. But other people doubt my self diagnosed autism and it’s getting me down. I find it hard to describe how I feel at the best of times. I usually fall into pragmatism when it comes to situations like this.

Can anyone else relate? Feel like I’m on my own.

You're not alone in this. Masking for me was a tool for social acceptance and some sort of introverted cooperation between myself, which I now know was my ASD, and my mask. I had to run to the bathroom in my old school to jump up and down to release nervous tension from how tiring masking and socialising became in social situations. I begun to mask so consciously to hide my real self that it became my conscious self and so lost my real self within it. It was exhausting masking so supposedly in a tired moment, I let it take control over me and lost myself and became the mask, to this day I struggle to comprehend myself and find it even more difficult to socialise. If this makes sense? I can relate in my own terms supposedly.

Last edited by jordanalmokdad on 23 Apr 2019, 8:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Your partner is an extrovert and you are an introvert. Approximately 50 percent of the people in the world are introverts and the other 50% are extroverts. So you have a good chance of meeting other introverts. But realize introverts are not party people. You don't find them at social events. For example, I communicate better on a one to one basis. So you will need to figure out good approaches to successfully find other introverts.

Jordanalmokdad

Thank you for your response. I feel the same and I can’t find a happy medium where I’m still myself yet can socialise and be liked in general. Suppose I should accept that I’m not NT so I can never please everyone without losing myself. I’m now letting myself stay home and play computer games, read or watch a documentary when I want rather than forcing myself out but at the same time trying to spend some time socialising so I don’t become a total recluse. I never understood why I had to escape to the toilet when I went to the pub and felt overwhelmed. Or that loud people are really hard work. Apart from my partner, mum, dad, sister I don’t have anyone who I want to spend time with. I always thought there was something wrong with me, being a grown woman in her thirties that doesn’t want lots of friends, or children. But there is a part of me that doesn’t want to be totally alone.

Jimmy M

Yeh, you’re right. I’ve caused a rod for my back though because I’ve really tried hard to be like others around me that happen to be extroverted. It’s only in peeling that mask off that I’ve been honest to myself about what I like. Just that most things I like are solitary hobbies. My mum is more introverted and my sister seems like a weird balance of both (ambivert?) so I like to spend some time with them. Sometimes though even a few hours with them and I’m ready for some alone time

You are not alone in it.
I've been masking to the point of losing my identity, too. I'm third year in therapy, still a long way before me.
Does your partner accept the unmasked you? Maybe you need to organize part of your social lives separately so you can recharge alone.
Yes, unmasking leads to conflicts as a lot of masking is about pleasing others.
No wise advice for now but I wnated you to know you're definitely not alone with this issue.

Thank you Magz.

I don’t think he likes that I’m changing or that he thinks I’m right about my suspicions of Aspergers. He’s that used to me copying others and himself (in the past I admit I have to please people and feel included and normal AKA masking) that he says because he mentioned he thinks he’s on the spectrum or has ADHD a while back that I’m joining the bandwagon. It was actually him saying to me to take a look at myself instead of blaming other people for their faults that really made me think. And having my counsellor make me look at my childhood and to ask questions from family members of how I was growing up.

I find it so hard to talk to him about the things I talk to my counsellor about because he can be so defensive and asserts he knows me so well. He knows my mask well.

That reminds me of my relationship with my mother... not really a healthy one, to be honest. She is also extremely defensive over even insignificant issues like when I said I didn't have a talent for foreign languages - I have no idea why she felt urge to be defensive over this but she was. She is also totally uninterested in the real me, just the correct behavior to please her.
Well, it's not the best interpersonal relationship in my life.

What's wrong in blaming other people for their faults?

What's wrong in blaming other people for their faults?[/quote]

I think the thing was I was too busy at looking at what everyone else’s faults were, and trying to interfere with other peoples issue (I was wanting to help) that I lost sight of the fact that I am no where near perfect. The thing is, in having this repeated argument over the years, it has helped me to find out a lot about myself and that I was being extremely unhealthy to myself. To the point of not even realising I have been wearing this mask all of my adult life. I admit I have kept a lot of my particularly negative aspects away from others so everyone would like me. Even to the point that I had a very poor memory of my younger childhood. I used to rock on the ground when a toddler but was made to feel ashamed of this act.

I’m grateful now that I’m 99.9% sure I’m not NT and I’m consciously analysing how I feel in situations to see if this all fits, which it does. I’ve lived with this constant uncomfortable anxiety in social situations and places that are busy. I’ve been made (unintentionally) to feel that I’ve got a lot wrong with me. From not having friends, enjoying being on my own, not having any exciting hobbies (I like computer games, reading, keeping pets and documentaries) etc etc...

I just wish I could explain myself properly to my partner. I fall apart verbally explaining things (especially feelings) but do a much better job in writing. I can understand his frustrations with me but he’s still judging me as the mask wearer and not the person that feels different underneath. Masking is the only way I can explain how I feel and my entire life.

A part of me feels guilty because it’s like I’ve lead everyone on in my life (I didn’t even know I was doing this!) and I initially went down this path of needing counselling because of identity loss before I’d even imagined Aspergers/Autism. I feel Ashamed that I wasn’t more educated about autism and neurodiversity because now my partner tells me if I think I’m on the spectrum then why did I bluntly deny his feelings of being different and possibly autistic/ADHD. This was before all of this that I discovered about myself.

Sorry that was a proper monologue!

Okay, it took me a while but I processed your whole post

I have very similar expirience to yours when you mention being shamed for things you did as a small child and learning not to show them. That's also my story. I burned out and, yes, lost my identity, a few years ago. Motherhood was more than I could bear. Since then, I'm doing hard work with my therapist to unmask and identify my real feelings and needs.

What worries me is your partner's reaction. He seems totally unsupportive when you need a lot of support.

I'm having the same problem. I think part of this issue is due to the fact that we tried to combine the mask with the real self, and it's stuck in the middle now. Part of us wants to be the mask, part wants to be the real self, part wants to be a fantasy self.

Our fears and emotions are colliding with our practicality, with what part of our brain thinks is better for us and our quality of life. One part of my brain tells me to behave a certain way, the other another way, and no one in society will accept the first, but everyone will accept the second save for me. It's a large dilemma.

Edit: I want to elaborate on the fantasy self. I created this concept to mean a third "persona". It is not us, it is not our mask, but it is what we want to be, and it is what the mask adopts. This is a sure way to end up depressed, by not living in reality, because the fantasy self cannot exist in reality as there are too many logical barriers to obtaining this. It pretends to be a long term goal, but it's actually a coping mechanism to seemingly unavoidable conflicts. Sometimes it can be used to push someone somewhere new, where even though it's not the goal, it is still a chance to start fresh.

Last edited by wrongcitizen on 25 Apr 2019, 2:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's not only an ASD thing, I like the Jungian concept of Persona - one's social self.
Shallow people can be almost identical to their Personas.
Deeper, more complex persons have the dynamics you described inside them.

Magz I agree with what your are saying that my partner isn’t being supportive... though he has his own struggles himself (don’t want to go into detail) so it’s hard for him to be supportive. I understand because when he’s having a hard time I can’t be as supportive as he’s want me to be. Only difference is I’m seeing a counsellor and am now aware of the constant masking... I think I’m helping him understand a bit more when for example we go out in a public place together and tell him, as I’m experiencing it, how I feel. The counsellor has said it will be a tough time for me because it extends lots of energy being finally conscious of my masking and starting not to care about other people’s judgements. For example, if I’m out in a bar I don’t want strangers coming up to me so I make it as obvious as I can that that is the case. For people I know I just try to explain to them why I’m being like I am. I always thought there was something wrong with me not wanting to socialise and I’d force myself to do things just to fit in and keep people happy.

I’m trying to balance basic social decorum with being myself.

My husband also has his own problems - overwork, anxiety, eating disorder - but the very basic support of honest interaction is still here. Both ways.
Unmasking is a time of vulnerability, you give up your old defenses but your new defenses need time to be constructed. A safe heaven is more than important for this time.

Thanks Mags, you understand and many other who have commented also. It’s amazing I’ve got to the age of 33 to final realise the struggles I have within myself and to see others are experiencing the same thing is comforting and that I’m not alone.

There is one person at work I have talked to about my self diagnosis and she has been really nice. My mum listens but I’m not sure she accepts it yet. But I can understand that because I think she is also the same. It’s hard enough to go through this yourself let alone try and get someone else to see they could be the same too. Other people that dont know me so well are judgemental about the change in my personality and to be honest if they don’t like it they can get lost!

Yeah, part of the unmasking expirience is, some people stop liking you - but that means they have always been superficial and never really liked you. Not worth bothering.
It's painful if you considered them close before - I have this with my Mum.